Thursday, June 30, 2011

90s Rock: Blink-182

Admittedly, I'm not currently the biggest Blink fan in the world.  However, much of my freshman year of college was spent listening to these guys, so I can definitely come up with a respectable list.  Let's get it on:

"Dammit" - This song has to be on the list.  It's their first single and brought them from the underground to pop/punk mainstream radio.  Watching the video is crucial because it is hilarious to realize that Blink used to have a drummer not named Travis Barker.  Sorry no name drummer- the studio executives found a ringer and you're out of the band!



"Josie" - Obviously, Blink-182's sound would be completely different if they didn't have both Mark and Tom singing. They harmonize well together and trade off singing the main lines and/or songs. This song shows of Mark's underrated vocals (which I prefer to Tom's even though Tom has had more post-Blink success.) These guys definitely relate to teenagers and young adults in a way that few other bands do.



"Adam's Song" - I'll pick one single from "Enema of the State" to mention and this is the one. This actually shows off Blink's talent for writing serious songs. This song is serious on lyrical and musical levels and very well done. Again, this is another one where Mark takes the lead. Fantastic song.



"Dysentery Gary" - Any song that mentions diarrhea has to make this list. "He's a player, diarrhea giver, tries to grow his hair out 'cause his friends are listening to Slayer." Hilarious! This is actually a pretty well written song as well, including the hilarious lyrics.



"Anthem" - "Home show, Mom won't know!" Awesome. Let me tell you from experience, Mom will likely find out about such shenanigans! However, it's still a fun premise for this song. Great use of bass and guitar together- inverted chords are the fucking best! Great song!



"Mutt" - My personal favorite song by Blink. Whether this reminds you of getting laid in college or of Jason Biggs running through the neighborhood to get back to Shannon Elizabeth in time to prematurely nut twice on neighborhood interweb camera, this song rocks. Here's a live version with funny commentary on the song by the band:



BONUS: A non-90s tune - "Online Songs"

This song calls out Josie for being a cheating whore! It's a great pop/punk jam. In fact, Blink mostly stays true to their roots while occasionally throwing in touching and serious songs for good measure.



After doing this post, I actually have somewhat rekindled my enjoyment of Blink-182! It reminded me of the good old times in college when I was coming into my own. Blink does a great job of representing the naive or ignorant times of growing up, and that is their greatest appeal. Fuckin' great stuff Tom, Mark, Travis, and the drummer that was kicked out so no one will ever know his name off the top of their head.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Dirty 30

So today's the day.  I'm finally in my 30's.  I'm not sure if I feared this day or not.  Probably not.  I think there was a time where I felt like this was old, but I really don't feel that way anymore.  I would like to get my ass in gear and find an actual career path that leads to growth and more money, but everything else is pretty damn great.  There's not too much I actually want for my birthday (plus my friends and family have done a great job with gifts this year) but here are some other things I would definitely like on the 30th anniversary of my birth:

1) NFL LABOR AGREEMENT - Sign it!!!  I want the lockout ended so we all can be sure that we'll be able to spend Sundays watching NFL Red Zone and betting on the Detroit Lions to cover.  Not to mention how terrible it would be if Fantasy Football was affected.  This cannot happen.  For my birthday, I want NFL labor peace.  Make this happen. 

2) Transformers 3 - It is nice that Summer blockbuster movies have a tendency to release around my birthday.  Regardless of the quality of the plot in the Transformers movies (not great), these movies do offer phenomenal special effects and a level of nostalgia that is unmatched for me, personally.  I grew up a huge Transformers fan and I will continue to be one until I die- much like my love for the Cubs.

(I have tickets for tomorrow at 8:45pm- let's do this.) 

3) Speaking of the Cubs... Let's get them a win against the San Francisco Giants today!  After losing both games in their double header yesterday, the Cubs may have reached a low point in their season.  Give me a ray of happiness on my actual birthday and then you can go back to competing with the Astros for next year's #1 draft pick. 

4) Adele - I would prefer to not hear "Rolling In The Deep" once today.  I've stated before that it is a great song, but it is SO overplayed that I'm sick of it and never want to hear it again.  I know that's impossible, so how about just for today, give it a rest.

Fuck- it was already on the radio this morning.

5) Stone Temple Pilots, July 8, at the Peppermill Reno -  I'm officially going.  They better bring it with some "Army Ants," "Piece of Pie," and "Meatplow."  It's going to be fucking awesome. 

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And that's pretty much it.  Not too much to ask for right?  If you're already 30, feel free to leave me advice on which arthritis creams work the best or what type of fiber products you eat to keep yourself regular.  I need all the advice I can get. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

THE Top 5

My wife and I often joke and talk about the question "who, in your opinion, do you think are the five hottest celebrities?"  My Top 5 changes from time to time, so I figured I'd write it up in a post.  To be honest, I don't have the Top 5 set before writing this, so we'll see what the results are.  Even I'm curious!  I'm also fairly sure I'll forget someone, so please remind me in the comments who I have forgotten. 

Honorable Mention (Up and Coming?) - Rosie Huntington

I have my tickets for the 8:45pm showing of Tranformers 3 on Thursday.  I'm interested to see if this former (?) Victoria's Secret model comes off as smoking hot on screen or like a disappointing wet blanket (Megan Fox in TF2.) 
















So far so good.

One quick highly overrated chick that is just NOT hot.  She was the worst thing about the recent X-Men movie.  I wanted to gag every time they showed her in skimpy Emma Frost garb.  I'm talking of January Jones, of course.











By comparison- here is the comic book character:
















Call me crazy, but the comic book character is definitely hotter.  They did not do the character justice with JJ's casting. 

5) Olivia Wilde - I didn't know exactly who Olivia Wilde was until I saw "TRON: Legacy" but now she's more well known and rising up my own personal AP Top 5 Rankings.  I'm more of a "girl next door" kind of guy, so her features are probably as "exotic" as I go for my personal favorite ladies. 










4) Blake Lively - I'm not a fan of really any of her work, unless her breasts are enhanced- then I'm a fan of her "work."  She's smoking hot, there is no denying that.  It's too bad "Green Lantern" sounds like such a train-wreck, otherwise I would like to see what she's got in that flick. 
















3) Kate Beckinsale - What I've learned about myself today is that I'm a sucker for chicks in comic book movies.  I'm also a sucker for chicks in movies where they wear tight black suits.  I can never forget Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld" killing werewolves and looking hot.  She is getting older and could be replaceable on a future Top 5, but for now, she makes the cut easily.
















2) Elisha Cuthbert - Speaking of "The Girl Next Door," Jack Bauer's daughter has always been smoking hot in my eyes.  She deserves more acting gigs!  I want to petition to get her more screen time!  Is she too busy chasing after more hockey guys (she's married to one if I'm not mistaken)?  She's ridiculous.












1) Kelly Kapowski - My #1 crush of all time and she continues to stay on top of this list.  You may ask yourself, "Doesn't he mean, Tiffany Thiessen?"  No, I don't.  I mean Kelly Kapowski.  We could also go with Valerie from "90210," but I like Kelly K. better. 
















Early 90s jeans and suspenders never looked so good! 

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So there you go.  My personal list is pretty decent, but it is constantly updating.  If you have any great suggestions that I missed, then throw them out there.  Don't you dare say ScarJo- now that she's getting plowed by Sean Penn, it's just not the same. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Peppermill, Poker, and Jackpots

What a birthday weekend trip!  It had its highs, it had its lows, and everything in between.  I'll try to recap this quickly while still giving a descriptive account of the magic that goes on at the Peppermill Reno.

First- code names for the members of our group involved in this trip:

- My wife = Mrs. Prime or Mrs. P
- My male friend = The Detective
- My female friend and wife of The Detective = Mrs. D
- Commenter Dread
- My female friend who came up on Saturday night = Flower32

Ok, now that we have the lame anonymous code names out of the way, let's get to business.  Mrs. P, Mrs. D, The Detective and I drove to Reno in my car and got there around 4pm.  We listened to a fucking awesome mix of 90s music that I personally made for the trip on the way up.  It was great.  I'm not sure the girls feel the same way, but whatever.  We were finally at the Peppermill and that was the important thing. 

Side note: Can the powers that be please put a ban on the song "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter from ever playing at any casino ever?  We parked in the parking structure and that goddamn song was playing right when we stepped out of the car.  Fuck that.  It makes me want to get back in the car and drive home.  I'm totally kidding, obviously, but it just feels like a bad omen.  I've tweeted this request to the Peppermill.  I hope they follow up with deleting this dumb song. 

We were able to get our rooms on the same floor just across the hall from one another.  Clutch.  Our room was immediately ready, so Mrs. D and the Detective came up to our room with us.  Upon entering, there was a custom spa robe hanging by the closet.  It took a second for me to realize that Mrs. P had set this up and it was a birthday gift for me!  So awesome!  The Peppermill's spa robes are second to none and I had gotten Mrs. P one for Christmas.  I kept talking about how I would buy one for me if I won some money (and as it turns out, they don't regularly have my size so Mrs. P worked with the spa director to get my size and have the robe placed in our room- what a great wife!) 

The Detective and Mrs. D had gifts for me as well.  A Chicago Bears beach towel and a bottle of Jack Daniels?!  Yes please!  Even Mrs. P's mom and step dad got in on the action with a box brought up by Mrs. P.  It contained $75 in Peppermill chips.  Excellent gift giving from everyone involved!!! Thank you all!

We drank a bit in the room- I had brought up a bottle of Gentleman Jack and a bottle of Single Barrel Jack (yes, quite classy- I know.)  The Detective and I got a nice buzz on before their room key was delivered to our room (it was being cleaned when we checked in.)  Then, it was off to the casino floor.  We picked up our free play at the member services desk, met up with Dread who had arrived and checked into his room.  If I'm not mistaken, we then went to the Craps table for an uneventful session of dice rolling (read as: we lost some money.) 

At 8:30 we met up with the ladies at Romanza for an Italian feast.  The Peppermill really has a great variety of food choices.  I went with the Tuscany Trio which included Chicken Parmesan, Lasagna, and Fettucini.  It was ridiculously delicious.  The server found out it was my birthday and she gave me a free birthday dessert and made a crown out of aluminum foil.  It was funny looking, but I attempted to get the group to call me "Your Grace" for the remainder of dinner.  I was unsuccessful.

After dinner, we went back to the Craps table because it is officially gambling heroin.  The game is great.  If you don't play, sack up and learn because it is the most fun table game in the casino.  Side note: don't play Blackjack unless you can count cards effectively.  If you can do that- don't get caught, either.  You really can't win when it comes to Blackjack.

After another unsuccessful session of Craps (still addicted, though) we went to play video poker and get drinks at the Terrace Lounge.  I was playing the Progressive Jackpot Double Double Poker game.  I had lost about $65 of my $100 before I was dealt three Aces and two 7's.  Now, normally one would just take the full house and win $22.50.  However, in Double Double there is an extra bonus for 4 Aces and that bonus gets even bigger if you have a 2, 3, or 4 as your kicker.  I asked Dread what to do and he said, "Take the full house."  Very sound advice.  I asked the Detective what to do, and he said, "We're here to gamble aren't we?  Go for the big pay out!"  I debated this for a few minutes, leaned back in my chair and eventually just hit the button to release the two 7's.  In their place came Ace, 2.  BOOM.  $1000 just like that.  Amazing stuff.  I've never gotten paid out like that on Video Poker before and it feels fucking fantastic. 

Saturday morning, I woke up earlier than everyone else (as I have a tendency to do) so I decided to go down and play some poker in the Peppermill's brand new poker room.  This place is unreal.  Brand new everything.  TV's, lounge area, drink station, food station, high stakes poker area, automated check in- it is just phenomenal.  They did such a great job with this place- I am beyond impressed. 

After playing a few hours with terrible cards, I hung in there and was down $30.  It was time for breakfast at the re-designed Cafe Milano.  As you can tell, the Peppermill has been upgrading and re-modeling an number of things inside and so far, everything they have done has been 1000% positive.  I thought it was great before and now it's even better! 

After brunch we played some afternoon Craps- this time, it was successful!  Up $200+ which made us all feel better.  I obviously won a big jackpot the night before, but it feels great to win and of course I want the rest of the group to win money back as well.  Everything was positive.  We were complimented by the dealers for knowing what we were doing and maximizing our bets (i.e. playing the game correctly.)  It is nice to be validated by dealers, though it's probably not necessary after seeing some of the morons that play the center of the table WAY too often.  Stupid suckers. 

Speaking of suckers, I placed some sports bets.  Betting on baseball sucks.  Don't do it.  I put money on the Tigers, Brewers, Cubs (it was against the fucking Royals!) and later put some money on the US Soccer team.  The Tigers and Brewers won easily to get some money back, but the Cubs wasted a great start by Big Z against some Royals pitcher with a 5+ ERA.  I should know better.  The US Soccer team got up 2-0 and blew the lead to lose 4-2.  What assholes!  Overall, though, the bets weren't big so I'm still up substantially for the weekend ($1000 goes a long way!)  

In the mid-day, we went over to the Spa because we had day passes.  This place is magical.  It pretty much cures any hangover you might have.  Sauna, Steam Room, hot tub, cold tub, TV with baseball on it in the lockroom by the hot tub, and the Caldarium is fantastic.  This will be a more regular occurrence on our trips up there.  I can't talk this up high enough. 

We went to Chi for dinner which is the Pmill's delectable Chinese restaurant.  We hit this place almost every time we go to the Peppermill.  The General Chicken is great!

After dinner, we headed to Craps again for the annihilation portion of the weekend.  This table was as cold as possible.  It went around the table and I don't think one shooter rolled a point on any roll.  It was awful.  We were still sickeningly full from dinner and now depressed from dice rolling.  We went back to the Terrace Lounge for Video Poker and drinks (a great way to clear our heads.)  VP was not successful for me, but I was still up for the weekend by a lot, so it was all good.  We eventually headed to bed and watched Chappelle's Show- probably the highlight of the evening to be honest.  Mrs. P, Mrs. D, and the recently arrived Flower32 were escorted by our friend and Director of Player Development (great title!) to Club EDGE for dancing.  It sounds like they had fun, but since we were separated, I don't know all the details.  It sounded like fun (for girls- us old guys don't care for the clubby environment anymore!)

In the morning, I went back and played poker, this time winning $25- then it was on to breakfast.  The Detective wanted to stay and play more instead of immediately check out and leave at 1pm.  I was on board (of course) and so was Dread.  It was back to Craps for one final try...

AND THIS WAS WHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR!!!

This table was the exact opposite of the night before.  It wasn't a question of if each shooter was going to roll a point- it was HOW MANY POINTS they would roll.  Absolutely phenomenal.  The best roll was a female first time roller that absolutely crushed the table.  She rolled for probably 30 minutes or more and made at least 7 passes (that's not including all the Come Bets we had- we cleaned up on her roll.)  After a few hours, we walked away up $400+ each (obviously, we probably aren't up exactly the same amounts depending on various actions taken during the game by each player.)  It was a fantastic way to end the trip.  I had $1000 left and we felt like winners- which is quite important. 

As far as birthday weekends go, this was pretty great.  It makes turning 30 on Wednesday that much easier.  I can't wait to go back up... (I may just be going up for STP in two weeks... and by "may" I mean, I am going for sure!)  The Peppermill could be my favorite place in the world.  I don't think I'm exaggerating. 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Going, Going, Back, Back To Reno, Reno

Since my birthday is on Wednesday, I get to call my shot and bring the Mrs. and a few of our friends up to the Peppermill in Reno- quite possibly my favorite place on Earth.  Why do I love this place so?  Well, I'll tell with you with a few succinct points:

- It's a freaking casino!  Not like the pseudo-casinos of California Indian Gaming ilk.  It is a real Craps, real Sports Betting, fully loaded Nevada casino.

- The comps are fantastic!  I'm not sure how we got in to the "free room" club so quickly a few years ago, but boy do I love getting free rooms.  We've now also been able to build comp levels to sustain at least a free room and a free meal.  I have to be honest, I doubt Harrah's is hooking things up so quickly for our level of play.

- It's just been named a 4 star resort!  That's just a fun fact.

- It's a green energy resort!  This affects me zero, but it is another fun fact.  They are the only casino resort to use geothermal energy to power their resort.  They parlayed a multi-million dollar drilling project into efficient and green power.

- The dealers are friendly.  I can name a number of dealers who I personally love being around.  At Craps, Don, Phillip and Erik are pretty cool dudes.  At Poker, Anthony, Tyler, and pit boss Jeremy are always fun to joke with.  I'm glad I get to know respectable folks while gambling away my rent (kidding, of course.)

- GREAT Sports Book.  I've been at plenty of shitty sports books.  Harvey's in Tahoe comes to mind.  The Peppermill's Sports Book is comfortable and perfect for NFL Sundays.  It is highly recommended.

So Highway 80 awaits and we're ready to roll out.  I can't wait- if nothing else, I know we have Spa/Caldarium passes for Saturday to sweat out the top shelf booze we'll be drinking.  As Bart Scott would say- "CAN'T WAIT!"

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Crazy Baby Names

I know G$ has posted about this in the past, but with Jennie Finch and Casey Daigle naming their newly born son "Diesel Dean Daigle" (3D!) this week- it must be noted how dumb people can be when naming their offspring.  First, let's look at celebrities that have idiotically named their kids.

1) The aforementioned "Diesel."  I don't care if this kid was born of mild celebrities (your welcome, Casey for me kind of calling you a celebrity)- he will be made fun of for his dumb name.  That is, unless he is actually as tough in reality as the characters that Vin Diesel plays in movies.  Either that, or he becomes an honorary member of The Dudley Boyz because of his nickname 3D.  His first words had better be, "D-Von... get the table!!!"  Otherwise, this is a horrible selection of a child's name.

2) Chris Martin and Gweneth Paltrow named their kids Apple and Moses.  Really?  Are you two that artsy that you're going to name your kid Apple?  Apple Martin?  Do you even realize how close that is to "Apple Martini?"  Was it your favorite drink or something?  It better not be.  Chris, you're a rockstar- you can only drink Appletini's if they are laced with heroin!  And Moses?  Moses Martin.  It's not as bad as Apple, but it's still an odd choice.  I guess in the end, it would be fucked up to give their first kid a weird name and correct their mistake with the second kid.  Moses does remind me of Mel Brooks in "The History of the World Part 1" when he comes out as Moses: "I give you these 15 [drops one of three tablets]- 10 Commandments!"

3) Frank Zappa's kids are named Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet, and Diva Muffin.  I don't even know where to start with these.  Moon Unit makes me giggle like I'm Beavis and Butthead.  Dweezil sound like he's the son of Satan.  Ahmet sounds like he should be a bad guy on "24."  And Diva Muffin sounds like she should've been involved in a "Mango" SNL sketch.  Just awful name choices.

4) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes named their daughter Suri.  Suri Cruise.  I'm not a fan.  In what universe does Joey from "Dawson's Creek" end up with Maverick and they name their child a name of Persian origin?  I'm all for being creative and I don't care about the specific origin, per se, but it just feels quite pretentious.  At least if anyone makes fun of Suri later in life, she is allowed to infect them with "misplaced thetans."  She will be a high priestess in Scientology after all.

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Far be it from me to actually tell people how to name their kids.  It's about being creative without being weird.  Sometimes, the obvious choice is the best.  Carrying on a family name can be special.  Honoring a great friend can be a way to go as well.  Naming your kids any of the above celebrity choices is awful.  Some names have bad juju because of people that have personally annoyed you in your life.  It's tough to find the right groove to successfully name a child, that is certain.

I will leave you with this scenario.  I have a friend with the last name "Bonin."  He has joked about the many possibilities he could go with when he decides to become a father (scary thought!)

Tank Bonin - He claims there is no way the kid could be anything but the toughest motherfucker on the block.  I'm guessing he would end up being gay and hate his father for such a ridiculous name.

Doggy Bonin - This was clearly a joke and it is clearly funny.  Possibly still less ridiculous than "Diesel." Eat your heart out Casey Daigle. 

Anita B. Bonin - No chance this daughter is able to stay off the pole.

Amanda B. Bonin - I also see a pole and sleezy hotel rooms in this girl's future. 

One can hope that any of his sons grow up to become a "Missionary" some day.  I'm unsure how many recruits Missionary Bonin could convert, but it would be fun to see him try!

What names do you hate?  What names do you like?  What names could my friend name his children?

No, my wife is not pregnant!  We're still a year or two away from that life changing event!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

90s Rock: Matchbox 20

This might be a debatable inclusion to my 90s Rock posts.  However, before Rob Thomas began practicing pop voodoo with Santana, he was in a band called Matchbox 20 (they prefer to be called "Matchbox Twenty" these days, but when they started out they used the digits.)  You all are familiar whether or not you admit it publicly- you probably like a few of their songs.  Their first album especially is a well put together, cohesive record.  Let's look at some of the favorite tunes from their 90s years (first two albums.)

"Push" - The first single that started their career going down the multi-platinum path.  It's catchy, but very rock oriented and almost angry.  Maroon 5 should just cut MB20 a check for 5% of all their royalties.



"Long Day" - My personal favorite Matchbox 20 song. I seem to love songs that start out acoustic and build to rock hard. It's hard to argue that this song isn't fantastic.



"3AM" - Including this one because it's a decent song and because Rob Thomas' old band Tabitha's Secret sued MB20 for releasing the song. Thomas co-wrote it with members of his former band and had even previously released the song. I had to go to Wikipedia to get the dirt:

Matchbox Twenty's first album, Yourself or Someone Like You contained the song "3 A.M." This song was written and performed as Tabitha's Secret, and was released on the band's self-titled/self-published cassette EP. Stanley and Goff sued Matchbox Twenty claiming fiduciary breach of contract and sued Serletic and his attorney for tortious interference. This lawsuit lasted five years and was settled out of court in 2000.



"Argue" - I really like this non-single from "Yourself Or Someone Like You." The muted electric guitar in the verse with another guitar layering over the top is gorgeously done.



"Bent" - The first single off of their 2nd album "Mad Season" is one dirty little number. The soaring guitars and minor key verse build toward a poppy chorus. It's like they are holding the masses' ears hostage.



"Last Beautiful Girl" - Breaking away from their habit of using one or two word titles, this song puts on a clinic for pop music songwriters. Breaking ankles and dropping dimes the whole way through this song and adding a rocking bridge. What more do you want?



"Disease" - What's that? I broke my 90s-ish rule? Deal with it, asshole! This song is kick-ass! Something about it reminds me of the Rolling Stones, which is confusing because at face value it's nothing like the Stones at all. I really can't explain why I feel that way, but I will say that I am not ashamed to enjoy this song.



In some respect, I shouldn't glorify this band. They probably gave an assist to guiding grunge era out to pasture, but if you're looking for pop/rock- they definitely have some quality tunes to listen to.

90s Rock: Stone Temple Pilots

Archived post from my previous blog:

Stone Temple Pilots "Purple" was the first CD I ever owned.  I got it in 7th grade and listened to it over and over and over... To this day, it is still a phenomenal album that I love to queuing up from time to time.  STP is still going in between Scott Weiland's drug episodes and while their music is definitely not as strong these days, their old hits from the 90s crush most of today's rock music.  Let's examine their 90's collection (focusing on their first 3 albums.)  As always, I may include the singles or I may not- I'll do what I want!

"Wicked Garden" - This song just straight up rocks.  I know it was a single, but it probably doesn't have the same notoriety as "Plush" or "Creep."  The build up to get to "Burn, burn, burn- burn your wicked garden down" is candy to my trick or treating ears.  This song has serious balls.



"Plush" - One of my favorite songs to play myself, this is such a well written song. The acoustic version I'm posting is so sweet (with an intro by Riki Rachtman!) It really shows how versatile this song actually is.



"Piece of Pie" - Picking a non-single is tough, but this song is so dirty that I had to go with it. It's as if this song should've come from Alice In Chains. Here's a live performance from 2000.



"Meatplow" - And we're at the "Purple" album. I love the singles off this record, but you will find none on this list. There are three songs that need mention that were never released as singles. This is the first. I actually played this song for the Craigslist buyer of my old guitar amp. He immediately recognized it and bought the amp. He probably got good value too, but the point is that this song has magical powers.



"Still Remains" - This is one twisted love song. One of my favorite songs of all time. I always find this line funny: "Take a bath I'll drink the water that you leave." Nothing says love like drinking someone's used bathwater. At least, that's what STP taught me.



"Army Ants" - The drum solo around 3:20 is one of my favorites ever. "Fall in those single file lines, like army ants." So awesome.



"Big Bang Baby" - This album is where the choice of guitar distortion gets a little weaker, in my opinion. However, this song is a lot of fun and it's definitely worth a listen.



"Lady Picture Show" - It was between this one and "Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart." I chose this one because it's a little softer and the use of 7th chords is agreeable to the ears. Check out this performance from '97.



"Down" - No. 4 made it out at the tail end of 1999, so it barely makes the cut. This was the first single off the album and it brings back the dirtier guitar distortion. This song keeps it real.



I know there are plenty of other great songs from this great band. What say you? Was STP one of your first CDs too? Ever shoot heroin with Scott Weiland? Feel free to leave your favorite STP songs or memories in the comments.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Fantasy Baseball Tuesday

My team- "The Perfect Storm" (named after how many shitty injuries and/or slumps almost all of my players have had this year)- is still struggling.  They lost 283.17 to 312.83 to my fantasy baseball arch-nemesis and best man from my wedding.  Dammit.













Well said, George.

Anyway, before going deeper into my recent team decisions, let's look at commenter G$'s trade he mentioned in the comment section of yesterday's post.

I dealt: Hosmer, Pedroia, Jason Heyward, and Garza

I received: A-Rod, Sam Fuld, Juan OOOOOOOOOribe, and Verlander.


So I went ahead and looked up point totals on these players in my league.  I'd bet that G$ is in a categories league (correct me if I'm wrong) as most people play Fantasy Baseball that way.  I think I've mentioned previously that we rock a total points league much like Fantasy Football.  Why?  Because it is more fun and better.  We also are allowed to keep six guys at the end of the year.  I'm going to look at the trade from the perspective of our league.

Hosmer: 93 points (upside)
Pedroia: 209 points (former MVP and brother is a sex offender)
Heyward: 97 points (UPSIDE)
Garza: 137.3 points (taking advantage of a Cub fan)

A-Rod: 195 points (strained shoulder?)
Fuld: 130 points (which almost all of them came in the first 4 weeks of the season- he sucks now)
UUUUUUU-Ree-Bay: 64 points (just awful- nice contract Dodgers)
Verlander: 370.8 (one of, if not the best pitcher going right now)

As commenter Dread mentioned, Verlander and A-Rod are the two best players in the trade no matter what the stats currently say.  G$ dropped Fuld and Uribe immediately, so they don't really need to be factored into the trade.  Their stats are statistically insignificant anyway.

In our league, I would have to believe that G$ received 2 keepers and gave up 1 certain keeper (Pedroia) and 1 potential keeper (Heyward.)  Hosmer could be a keeper, but he hasn't shown he is worthy just yet.  Heyward is worthy when not hurt and playing up to his potential.  Garza is not even close.  I think the Cubs over-valued him when they traded for him.

So going by the cliche "always get the best player(s) in a fantasy trade"- G$ wins.  I can see reasons for trading the best player in a deal for other high level players to help stock a roster, but it rarely is a good idea.  Especially in a keeper league.

I don't actually think this trade is possible in our league.  For one, giving up Verlander AND A-Rod had better get you back a better haul.  I learned this lesson HARD in my early fantasy years when I had A-Rod and he struggled out of the gate as a Yankee.  I got sick of him immediately and traded A-Rod and Flash Gordon (a throw in) for Scott Rolen (4 more points than A-Rod the previous year) and Octavio Dotel (savage closer at the time for the A's.)  Dotel had elbow surgery that year and Rolen regressed.  A-Rod went on to dominate.  It was a horrible trade and it gave me perspective on exactly what level of premium players one needs to get back when trading a superstar.

Verlander is the gem in this deal.  If a Cubs fan is such a homer that they think trading Verlander in any deal to get Matt Garza as a replacement, then they deserve to suck at fantasy.  I myself, being a Cubs fan, have taken my knowledge of my favorite team and made sure I don't have any Cubs on my fantasy team.  Though, my team is currently 3-8 so I guess that hasn't helped either.  But I digress- I declare G$ the clear winner of this trade.

---

Let's talk about a deal that commenter Dread offered me last week.

Kevin Youkilis (199) and Bud Norris (207) FOR Shin-Soo Choo (129) and Anibal Sanchez (276.7)

This is not a bad trade.  Choo has struggled, but I have to believe he is going to come out of his DUI haze at some point.  Sanchez clearly has the most total points and has really come into his own as a stud pitcher in this league.  He or Daniel Hudson are more than likely getting kept this year.  I'm leaning toward Sanchez.

Youk would give me a huge upgrade at 3B as Ty Wiggington is currently filling in for me.  Bud Norris is essentially an over-achieving throw-in in my opinion.  I worry that Youklis is getting older and could get hurt at any moment.  It's tough to give up a stud pitcher like Sanchez for Youkilis.  I may have a hole at 3B that will get outscored by an opposing 3B more times than not, but my current rotation consists of Daniel Hudson, Jered Weaver and Anibal Sanchez.  Throw in whatever two-start pitcher I can find and add Jon Papelbon and Jose Valverde as relievers and that is a solid staff.  I'm actually pretty upset that this season has not gone better because I felt like my strategy was sound, but like I said- it has been a "Perfect Storm" of awfulness that has tanked my team.

So what do you think?  It's called the comment section for a reason- use it.  Any trades that you've made recently?  Break it down, suckas!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Cubs/Coronas/Carne Asada/Craps

Hmm... what choices do I have to talk about today?  Probably a lot- let the rambling begin. 

- The Cubs did about what they could be expected to do over the weekend.  They won Friday against the Yankees behind a "dominant" performance by Doug Davis.  Game 2 was a tight one, but the Evil Empire prevailed in the end after throwing out a slower than paint drying Carlos Pena at the plate.  The wheels just came off of the Cubs late in Game 3 and they lost 10-4.  That sucked because the Cubs actually led 4-1 after an impressive bomb by ex-Yankee Alfonso Soriano. 

In the end, we while I mentioned slight rays of sunshine poking through the dark cloud of the Cubs franchise on Friday, they are still a pretty awful team.  Hopefully getting some of these young guys up will help them develop, but at the moment, I'm still on the "fire Jim Hendry" bandwagon.

- As a side job, I play music at various establishments in Northern California.  This weekend I played 3 shows in 2 days.  It was TOUGH.  My last show occurred in Danville at a restaurant were Robert Gallery of the Oakland Raiders was hanging out.  He seemed decently nice making his grimy beard and tat covered body tolerable.  He drilled about 37 Coronas during the time I saw him and he was there before I showed up.  Overall though, he really kept to himself and his group of friends but was gracious when anyone recognized him. 

Now, one would think he was definitely the biggest star of the night at this location.  WRONG.  Some dude took on the restaurant's burrito challenge to eat a 3.5 lb. burrito in 50 minutes.  I took a break and found the guy sitting at a table by himself almost finished with the damn thing.  As it turns out, he had over 20 minutes left.  I went to the bar to refill my Dos Equis and by the time I returned he had finished with 19 minutes to spare.  Very impressive.  He got the burrito with Carne Asada so the $23 he would've paid for it was free.  It seems like this guy is trying to get into professional eating as he said he finished a prime rib rack challenge earlier in the day.  I think even Robert Gallery was impressed. 

- My wife bargained with Comcast earlier this month and now we have HBO for 6 months.  I decided to catch up on "Game Of Thrones" and it was a fantastic decision.  That show is phenomenal.  I'm a cool Sci-Fi/Fantasy guy (not over the edge geeky, Baby Bear Porridge "just right" level) so this is right up my alley.  I'm bummed I got into this late because I would've considered live blogging the show, but we'll see what happens next year (and whether or not we have HBO or if I have to get creative to watch it.) 

Does anyone reading watch this show or am I wasting digital ink by mentioning it?  Sound off in the comments.

- Last, I'm getting ready to go to the Peppermill Reno this Friday.  I feel like a kid waiting for Santa Claus!  The time cannot go fast enough until this trip gets here.  The P-Mill could be my favorite place in the world.  That is really no exaggeration.  I can't think of a better place.  Even USA Today thinks it's a great location!  Here's to hoping they have the Craps table warmed up and ready to go.  Also, I haven't played Poker in awhile, but I hear their new Poker Room is off the hook!  I may have to go check it out...

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It was a fairly successful, if not tiring weekend.  Smooth sailing until my birthday weekend vacation this weekend.  Oh, I didn't mention my birthday is next week?  I also forgot to tell you it is a milestone number that rhymes with "dirty?"  Those omissions were probably intentional. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Diary of a Distraught Cubs Fan

June 17, 2011.  And th-th-the Yankees come to town. 

Let's keep it real.  I can't be that distraught at the moment.  The Cubs just took 3 of 4 from the Milwaukee Brewers.  Lighting up Zack Greinke yesterday was a fantastic treat.  Watching Carlos Pena and Alfonso Soriano go yard was quite helpful to my morale. 

However, we now have the Bronx Bombers coming to town and I see no reason to slow down.  Amazingly, the Cubs do actually have the 3rd highest team batting average in the National League.  The problem is they don't string the hits together to produce runs.  This would be like constantly covering a Craps table only to seven-out and never get paid.  Just awful. 

With the Yanks coming to Wrigley, I don't fear their pitching.  I have a feeling the Cubs will score runs.  But will they score enough runs to win a ball game or two?  Fuck if I know.  But the only two pitchers I worry about on their staff are CC and Mariano Rivera.  Unless they trade for Kevin Correia some time soon, their overall staff is not intimidating. 

That being said, their offense IS intimidating.  A-Rod is inconsistent but still worthy of superstar status.  Mark Teixeira is retarded- as in Black Eyed Peas "Let's Get Retarded In Here."  Robinson Cano could be the best hitter in baseball. 

But am I writing this to slob the Yankees' knobs?  Absolutely not.  After watching the Cubs so far this week, I actually think the Cubs may cause the Yankees trouble- and I'm sure that won't make G$ a very happy child molester (he is a massive fan of the Evil Empire.) 

Really, they have nothing to lose.  The Cubs have lowered the expectations to "Deep Impact" asteroid crater levels.  If they get swept this weekend- oh well.  They probably should.  And if they happen to win 2 of 3 and actually take advantage of the DH-less New York squad, then that would be quite an accomplishment. 

The point is, while I'm not leading the charge of stating that the Cubs are about to make the biggest turnaround in MLB history, the world is a little less dreary looking through Cubs fan beer goggles.  Do I still want them to unload payroll?  Yes.  If they can, that is.  Do I still think Jim Hendry should be fired.  Yep- immediately.  He even received the accursed "vote of confidence" from Tom Ricketts this week.  It's time to build a system and stop hampering their MLB club with long contracts that players can't realistically live up to.  If nothing else though, I actually enjoyed watching the Cubs the last few games which makes this week the peak of my baseball season. 

I'm looking forward to the games this weekend.  I'm looking for competitive games and growth from the horde of young'uns that the Cubs have on the roster at the moment.  Go Cubs!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Prime PSAs













Admit it.  You loved NBC's "The More You Know" commercials.  You probably also loved drug use PSAs, closing episode "...and knowing is half the battle!" G.I. Joe clips, and more than likely you love also snuff films.  This is the attempt to combine all of those glorious forms of media into a blog post.  The premise will more than likely be as thin as the front of LeBron's hairline.

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Boston Sports Fans: The next time you see a group of middle aged Caucasian guys looking like slobs and wearing any combination of Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics and Bruins gear, just turn and find another way to get to your destination.    Having at least one championship from each of these team in the last decade has made Boston sports fans braggadocios douche bags.*

*And ugly as well- but I don't think that has anything to do with the championships.

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Brian Wilson's Beard: B-Weezy's beard is now officially out of control.  If you were to meet him, he would also have to introduce you to his beard because it is a separate entity.  It's only a matter of time before it takes over his brain and controls his every action.  It's either that, or it walks away, takes its talents to Souf Beach and closes for the Marlins.*

*Thanks Leo Nunez for blowing the win for Anibal "The Cannibal" last night.  You are a piece of shit and I bet the Weez's beard could've closed it out.  
















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Anthony Weiner: Don't ever elect a politician with the last name Weiner.  Politicians don't have the most stellar reputation when it comes to sexual scandals- they fall just below the women in LeBron James' life and the 2005 Minnesota Vikings on the scale of promiscuity.  You pretty much have to know what you're getting when you elect someone named Weiner.*

*The Governator would like to send Weiner a thank you card and a gift basket full of lube and Barely Legal mags to terminating Arnold's name from the front page.

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Rolling In The Deep: Really cool song, but I now have to change the channel every time it comes on the radio to prevent the overexposure from taking over and making me hate that fucking Adele song.*  See?  It's already started!  Don't let it happen to you as well!

*It's unavoidable.  Radio will destroy cool songs that happen to appeal to the masses.  I can still barely listen to "Glycerine" by Bush.

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Ryan Reynolds: C'mon Ryan!  You're better than this.  This PSA is directly addressing your shitty movie choices lately.  With "Green Lantern" getting torn apart by even geeky movie reviewers, there is zero chance I'm going to see it.  Get your shit together and make the "Dead Pool" movie* that comic nerds deserve.  It's either that, or another Van Wilder- your choice mofo.

*A mouthy mercenary?  Seems right up Reynolds' alley.  And by alley, I mean poop shoot.

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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

90s Rock: Weezer

At first, I really wasn't into the geek rock that Weezer brought to the table in the 90s.  However, it grew on me and now I can say I'm a fan.  Rivers Cuomo is an underrated guitar player and a fantastic songwriter.  Here are some of my favorite songs of theirs from the 90s. 

"Undone (The Sweater Song)" - This got it started for Weezer.  Their first true single/hit off of their self-titled "blue" album.  The dissonant 7th chords used give this song a trippy feel- in a good way.



"My Name Is Jonas" - The opening track to the "blue" album that is so much fun to listen to.  This has to be one of my favorite Weezer songs due to all the different phases this song has- phases that are perfectly strung together. 



"Only In Dreams" - A soft song that builds up in a way that demands attention. The subtle harmonies go largely unnoticed but add so much to the song. Definitely a great Weezer track.



"Pink Triangle" - A song about a lesbian that isn't responsive to a hetero guy's advances?! Sign me up! This song shows off Weezer's sense of humor. Then again, I think Rivers might be serious in this song and speaking from experience. Either way, though.



"Across The Sea" - From lesbians to Japanese girls- Rivers has quite the issues with girls- which is fine because it leads to songs like this.



"The Good Life" - I think this was a single that didn't necessarily catch on. Very catchy tune though. Really great tune from "Pinkerton." That record was late to be appreciated to the level it should have been.



Weezer is a solid band from the 90s. I'm well aware I left off "Say It Ain't So" and "Buddy Holly" but you didn't need me to give those songs props. They're both solid (though possibly still overplayed- I heard "Buddy Holly" on the radio yesterday.) Rock on your nerdy assholes!

Quick add- "Susanne" from the "Mallrats" soundtrack- great tune!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Fantasy Baseball: Week... Um... Who Gives A Shit?

My fantasy baseball year has been much less successful than this past year in fantasy football (can you say "championship?")  I would love to hang my team by a rope like it is an old man who was released from prison and can't deal with the fast pace of modern life (that's right bitches- you get Shawshank references at my site!)















So as I listen to the new Beastie Boys and contemplate exactly how these old guys can still release dirty beats with catchy hooks, I'm also trying to figure out what in holy hell I can do to help my 3-7 fantasy team.

I suppose we should go over the rules in my league before going any further.  It is a keeper league where you keep 6 guys.  No more, no less.  There are no restrictions on which positions you can keep.  If you want to keep 6 pitchers, you are probably retarded, but you can do that.  If you want to keep 6 offensive players, you are not retarded, but your team probably lacks balance.  Once the keepers are decided upon, there is a regular snake draft in our 12 team league. 

My keepers this year were the worst keepers in the history of humankind.  I thought I was making good decisions all around, but apparently not.

C Joe Mauer (so far- he's been hurt)
1B Justin Morneau (scrambled brains, injury problems)
2B Chase Utley (hurt at the beginning, but has been great since coming back)
OF Carl Crawford (just terrible for the first two months of the season)
SP Roy Oswalt (old and showing it)
RP Jonathan Papelbon (stupid face)

Recently, I made a trade to switch things up:

Carl Crawford, Roy Oswalt, and Elvis Andrus FOR Jose Reyes and Jered Weaver

I feel like this was a good move, but it has not paid dividends just yet as I played a high scoring team this past week.  Our league is a head-to-head league that works like a fantasy football league in the sense that each good thing your players do has a point value assigned to it and the highest point total wins the match up.  It is not a roto league or a league that breaks down categories.  If your team scores 300 points in a week, there is a great chance you will win, but obviously, it depends on what team you go up against.

So let's do a current roster check to see exactly how my team is:

Starting this week for me:

C Chris Iannetta, 1B Paul Konerko, 2B Utley, 3B Justin Turner, SS Jose Reyes, OF Shin-Soo Choo, OF Alex Gordon, OF Drew Stubbs, U Howie Kendrick

On the bench (offense):

Morneau, Alberto Callaspo, Mauer

Starting pitchers:

Zach Duke (spotted 4 runs in the first and couldn't get out of the 5th for a win- damn you Duke!!! I've dropped him already for next week- did I mention it is weekly line up changes?)
Daniel Hudson (I like this guy, good young pitcher with potential)
Jonathon Niese (Ohio boy, gotta like that)
Anibal "The Cannibal" Sanchez (keeper potential)
Jered Weaver (keeper for sure)
Jonathan Papelbon (still has a stupid face)
Jose Valverde (one of the best pot bellies in baseball- no one beats Todd Coffey in that regard, though)

Bench pitchers:
Bartolo Colon (someone get that man some stem cells, stat!)
Fausto Carmona (bust so far)
Edison Volquez (welcome back from the minors)
Zach Britton (lots of potential)
Adam Wainwright (on the DL but keeping him around just in case)

So there you go.  That's my train wreck of a team.  Today, I was ready to start a new week and bounce back.  However, Zach F-ing Duke blew a massive lead and couldn't get through the 5th inning.  The Tigers blew an 8th inning lead so Valverde pitched in a non-save situation.  Meanwhile, my opponent has AJ Burnett who pitched great but didn't get the win for the Yankees.  And of course, he also has Chris Perez who, in that same Yankees/Indians game, got a three strikeout save without giving up a hit.  He also picked up a Francisco Cordero save.  Needless to say, I'm already losing 54-7.  Damn. 

Was there a point to this post besides ranting?  Not really.  Feel free to rant about your awful fantasy team in the comments.  If your team is great, you can mention that as well- just know that I will put a voodoo curse on all your players and you will risk injuries by bragging.

Monday, June 13, 2011

LeBron: The Implosion

I'm not claiming to have watched every second of the NBA Finals.  Nor am I an expert in what it's like to be a global icon (not yet, anyway.)  But LeBron James can definitely be harshly judged on the back of the Miami Heat failing to win a championship.

I'm not disputing the fact that James is a fantastic basketball player.  I've heard some pundits talk about the fact that he doesn't have a "signature moment."  That is pure bullshit.  How are these for "signature moments:

1) LeBron completely taking over the game and annihilating the Detroit Pistons in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals in 2007.  He scored 48 points including the team's final 25 points. 

2) LeBron's game winning shot in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals in 2009.  That shot was off the hook.



3) The entire playoff series against the Bulls this year. As a Bulls fan, I watched in horror as the Eastern Conference Finals tilted the Heat's direction in large part because of the self-titled King.

So LeBron already has "signature moments."  He is not lacking those.  What he IS lacking is a ring.  ANYONE in the world that wants to say LeBron is better than Michael Jordan (or even Kobe Bryant) should break their own back, have a friend (because they'd be theoretically paralyzed after a breaking their back) grasp their head, bend them backwards, and stick their own head into their own asshole.  LeBron is a great player, but using superlatives like "Best ever" when referring to LeBron should earn the offender a grundle stabbing with a jagged tree branch.  Are you listening, Scottie Pippen? 

So while Jason Kidd, Dirk Nowitzki, and the rest of the Dallas Mavericks deserve to be praised for winning a championship, most of the media and rinky-dink blogs (like this one) would rather hate on LeBron.  And why shouldn't we?  LeBron did this to himself.  The well documented "Decision" and the WWE-esque party that followed set up this group of assholes for only the highest of expectations.  They failed.  So what does LeBron do now?  Here are some hints for this assclown:

- Take classes - Look, LeBron didn't have to go to college.  I get it.  He was primed to make millions of dollars.  But he learned nothing about how to handle himself in public.  I would encourage him take some media relations classes or something academic to grow the intellectual portion of his brain. 

- Be sincere - LeBron feeds the public canned lines over and over and over.  It's old.  To be honest, Tiger Woods owns this same flaw.  Listening to LeBron give lines that he thinks are going to go over well is maddening.  Shaq may have gotten in trouble from time to time by being outlandish, but people can relate to him as a person.  In fact, people feel like they know who Shaq is (even if they don't.)  LeBron should call up Shaq and get some pointers- after all, they were teammates in Cleveland, right?

- Fucking win - No one gives a shit about what LeBron might say or what off court antics he might get into if he wins championships.  Winning cures all.  It is best to fly under the radar until actually accomplishing tangible great things.  LeBron has blown any chance at a low profile and has probably made tons of money off of it.  However, the double edged sword of that self-inflated fame is that criticism is coming his way in tsunami sized waves.  He deserves it all.

- Make a difference in the 4th quarter - LeBron has to have the absolute worst ratio of any basketball player in the history of the world in this:

4th Quarter Performance/Overall Talent 

That is not a distinction any player would want as their legacy.  LeBron absolutely needs to work his ass off to become a clutch player who wants the ball when the game is in question.  Work with D. Wade and Chris Bosh to understand each others' roles.  I literally don't think they know what their personal roles are during the entire game let alone in crunch time.

King James is quite the interesting case study.  For someone who thinks so highly of himself, he is more insecure than a teenage girl.  I think we saw the "real" LeBron in the 4th Quarter of the last 5 games- and that adds up to an insignificant 11 points.  I know I and a whole hell of a lot of others are cheering against him.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Diary of a Distraught Cubs Fan

















 
 June 10, 2011. Still dark.

Being born into Cubs fandom- I had no idea what I was in for when I was young. Blindly following the likes of Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson, Mark Grace, Greg Maddux, and a theoretically sober Rick Sutcliffe was easy as a youngster. They were relatively likeable fellas and I was able to visit Wrigley Field often making it easy to love the Cubs.

Hell, even the 2003 version of the Cubs was a fun bunch. Healthy and starting versions of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior easily won over my enthusiasm. However, this current bunch of twats on the Cubs are hard to watch, let alone cheer for.

Mike Quade managed to not match his former employer (the Oakland A's) in current losing streaks by beating the Reds on Wednesday. Fucking fantastic. I'm not saying that I wish he was fired at the same time the A's fired inept manager Bob Geren, but firing GM Jim Hendry may not be the worst idea the Cubs organization have ever had.

So what is the problem with the National League's highest payroll? Ugh- where to start? The Cubs have 99 Problems and bitches are all of them:

Bitch #1 - Carlos Zambrano

Oh, so you're cured motherfucker? OF COURSE YOU ARE! 5 sessions of anger management seems like a rock solid plan for a guy with more misplaced, pussy anger than Anakin Skywalker. You have to go- one way or another. I'm just not sure what team would take ya.

Bitch #2 - Ryan Dempster

You do a Harry Caray impression that is basically a second rate impression of Will Ferrell's impression. Your pitching has been even worse than that. Thank you for pitching well enough to get a big contract and then being average for the remainder of the contract. Perfect. Don't tell me that you don't get run support. You'll have plenty of time to complain about that when you're living in a VAN down by the RIVER! (Yes, Dempster also imitates Chris Farley.)

Bitch #3 - Alfonso Soriano

Paying you $18 million a year for an eternity to strikeout and get hurt seems like a rational decision. There is little that can be done to change my opinion that you are fucking trash.

Bitch #4 - Aramis Ramirez

Oh- so you're not going to wave your no trade clause? Really? Well, don't worry about it. It's fairly impossible for the Cubs to unload your contact anyway you whiny queef. Maybe if you were actually the superstar the Cubs are paying for, they wouldn't have to consider trading you because they'd be... uh... what's the word? Winning? Error-Miss Ramirez will be gone after this year and I can't wait.

Bitch #5 - Jim Hendry

You should be Bitch #1. Speaking of NO TRADE CLAUSES- HOW THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE ON THE CUBS HAVE A NO TRADE CLAUSE? You sign all of these bungling underachievers and give all of them leverage over trading their albatross contracts? Are you insane? If any of these guys ask for no trade clauses, tell them to stick the contract up their ass until they let it go. Tell them to pick between getting paid ungodly amounts of money and having a pussy no trade clause. You should be fired three years ago.

I could go on. Rain clouds follow me every damn day when I watch the Cubs, but I continue to tune in. I'm a loyal fan. It's almost amazing I'm able to stay interested since the other Chicago teams that I love have been very respectable recently (Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks) and this franchise looks like chunky diarrhea clogging up an ivy fill toilet, but such is the life of a Cubs fan I suppose.

I have nothing positive to say about this team. If I'm really reaching... the Cubs drafted not only Shawon Duston's son (get the Shawon-O-Meter warmed up!) AND Wayne Gretzky's son. That's it. I'm hoping Starlin Castro and Darwin Barney provide stability up the middle, but who knows? The Cubs will probably fuck those guys up as well.

There is little joy in Wrigleyville these days. It makes me miss Sammy Sosa's juiced up, corked bat, pre-bleached skin ass. And that is the sad state of affairs with my favorite baseball team. I wish I could vaporize them like the Death Star extinguished the planet of Alderaan. At least then the Cubs could start fresh. A house cleaning is probably step 1 toward respectability.

But don't listen to me- I'm just an uncured fan with massive rage building inside of me. And I haven't been to anger management yet, so I'm probably likely to destroy a Gatorade cooler or fight Michael Barret in the very near future.

All that being said, I'm still in this for the long haul, so let's get on the right track Cubs.  Fire Hendry, build up through the draft (with the great picks you'll certainly retain over the next few years), and DO NOT trade away promising prospects for band-aids to cover up outer skull fractures (cough- Matt Garza- cough.)  I'm hoping they learn from past mistakes because the Cubs do have the potential to be a big market powerhouse.  They just need the right people running the show.  I'm depressed, but hopeful.

Go Cubbies!
Prime 99

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Prime PSAs














Admit it.  You loved NBC's "The More You Know" commercials.  You probably also loved drug use PSAs, closing episode "...and knowing is half the battle!" G.I. Joe clips, and more than likely you love also snuff films.  This is the attempt to combine all of those glorious forms of media into a blog post.  The premise will more than likely be as thin as the front of LeBron's hairline.

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Guns: If you find your parents' gun in the house and you think it would be fun to play with, well- you're probably right.  It would be hilarious fun!  However, playing with guns without proper training is dangerous and will only be tolerated after the "real" Rapture... now occurring in October.*

*The Rapture may be reschedule to 2012 to coincide with Mayan predictions or some later date depending on Family Radio's financial needs at any given time.

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Solar Flares: Sure, solar flares might look cool through NASA powered cameras, but they could legitimately knock out the world's communication networks sending society into an upheaval.  Riots and confusion would follow.  Free merchandise and no work?!  Sign me up!*

*I clearly don't have the survival skills to make it through this chaos.  Much like a game of PE dodgeball back in 3rd grade- I'd be the first one out.

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Celebrities: There's really no reason to be nervous around celebrities.  They are people just like you and me.  Normal, successful, rich people who are perfectly well adjusted to life in the public eye.














Or not? 

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Ke$ha: To my future hypothetical daughter- I'm just hoping Ke$ha is not around by the time you are old enough to understand and listen to music because it will make that much easier to not have to ban you from listening/dancing to/imitating her.  She is a dirty, dirty skank.*

*Parents: Keep your daughters off the pole.  

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Cheating: High school is high school.  College is college.  But Spanish class will always be Spanish class no matter when you take it.*

*That's right- it's ALWAYS ok to cheat in foreign language class!

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Excessive Lifestyle: Moderation is the key to a healthy life.  Everything is ok when done in moderation.  Well, maybe not everything.  Rape, robbery, murder and rape* are all things that probably aren't good to partake in at any level. 

*"Did you say "rape" twice?"  Yes, I did.  I like rape.**

**"Did you just steal a joke from 'Blazing Saddles?'"  Yes, I did.  I don't actually like rape of any kind.  I wish my personal opinion would have been shared by Kobe and Ben Roethlisberger!

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I hope these PSAs were educational and helpful.  The more you know...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

90s Rock: Nine Inch Nails

Wednesdays will be reserved for 90s rock nostalgia. This week, we'll start with Nine Inch Nails- enjoy:

Trent Reznor is one angry dude- or at least he definitely was angry in the 1990s.  This was one band that my Mom was none to pleased to find in my music collection.  Whether Reznor was talking about fucking or finding happiness in slavery, these tunes were intense lyrically and sonically.  If I'm not mistaken, "Pretty Hate Machine" came out in 1989, but we're counting it as 90s because it is so damn good. Onward with a list of my favorite songs by NIN:

"Head Like A Hole" - One of the classic NIN songs from their catalog, this song combines metal with synthesizers to perfectly define "Industrial" music.  Not to mention that this song appeared on "Beavis and Butthead."



"Something I Can Never Have" - I'm putting this song on there as a great example of the range that NIN bring to the table. This is actually a dysfunctional ballad that showed the potential Reznor possessed (potential that was fully realized a few years later, but we'll get to that...)



"Wish" - These fuckers won a Grammy for this song! A Grammy! Best Metal Performance- look it up! This is the type of music I will request should I some day get confined in a "Jigsaw" trap.



"Happiness In Slavery" - This is essentially torture rock. You will never find this song on any jukebox not in a dominatrix den. Yes, the double negative was extremely intentional. Also, I'm posting their performance from Woodstock '94 when the full band came out covered in mud and rocked the fuck out of the crowd and the viewers at home (did anyone get this on PPV or watch tidbits on MTV back in the day?)



"Mr. Self Destruct" - This still is one of my favorite songs to put on while working out. The driving beat is motivational and helps me get through particularly difficult sessions at the gym. This is such a sick opening song for a record- well played, indeed.



"March Of The Pigs" - Another up tempo song that gets the blood pumping. Need to lift up a car while participating in a riot? Need to rip a radiator out of a wall? Need to survive a LA Dodgers game? This would be a great soundtrack to help you accomplish any of those feats.



"Hurt" - Yes, I admit, I skipped over a few essential tracks by NIN. Let me hear about it in the comments. A few songs ago, I mentioned Trent Reznor realizing his potential as a twisted ballad writer. Well, this is the song that gets it done. Perfectly laid out and extremely emotional. Johnny Cash's acoustic cover also demonstrates just how great this song is.  It has more layers than your average citizen of Minneapolis wears outside during a bitter winter's evening.



"The Big Come Down" - "The Fragile" barely makes the 90s cut, but this could be my favorite NIN tune. I once had the good fortune to see NIN sound-check this song to an almost empty venue. Trent Reznor turned to the rest of the band and said, "Let's rock the fuck out of this!" And they did exactly that. This song crushes everything in its path.



Nine Inch Nails are an important band to 90s rock. While they may not have "invented" Industrial music, they certainly gave it a defined style and identity. When you need to get in touch with your savage side or have ridiculously violent sex, just put on NIN and they'll show you the way.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Post #1

Fuck. 

Phew.  That felt excellent.  I may have become a robot in a similar fashion as "The Becoming" by Nine Inch Nails, but before my current state I was once a regular dude scared shitless to say anything remotely offensive (even if it wasn't actually offensive) on my former blog.  I'm hoping this format allows the freedom to be sarcastic, entertaining, and opinionated without worrying about consequences.  I'm not guaranteeing "Grade A" content all the time- hell no.  Far be it from me to promise that type of quality.  We're just going to have a good time and see what happens. 

So what will this blog be about?  Well, let me break it down:

- Sports: I love sports.  I'm a Chicago sports fan who does not live in Chicago.  I love all the teams except for the douche bags on the South Side.  I would say that Ozzie Guillen could lick my nutsack, but given his history of making out with guys... 




















... I should definitely not offer that up.  He just might take me up on it.

- Fantasy Sports: Of course we'll talk fantasy baseball and fantasy football.  I stopped playing fantasy basketball because it sucks and have yet to get into fantasy hockey.  I may try it next year and recap the results here.  It will probably suck. 

- Music: I love 90s Alternative Rock.  We can talk about other types of music, but I will consistently guide the conversation back to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Oasis, and other bands from that era.  90s Alt Rock kicks ass and if you don't like it, then you can probably just exit this blog right now and never come back. 

- Random Stories: You're still here?  Excellent.  Then I will recount random stories from my past.  Dumb activities from high school, Al Bundy-esque athletic tales, or just tales about motherfuckers I was unfortunate enough to meet at the grocery store.  You'll find them here with only one rule- DO NOT USE REAL NAMES.  That's it.  If you want to comment, you're obviously welcome to use your own real name, but don't use mine and respect the privacy of other commenters and jackasses that are involved in my stories. 

Truth be told, the format of the blog has yet to be fully formed.  As it takes shape, make suggestions or pass along ideas.  Just know that I'm the king of this castle and will rule this blog like Stalin.  I'm hoping to create fun atmosphere where folks waste a bit of their time every weekday.  We'll see how it goes...

Fuck.