I know G$ has posted about this in the past, but with Jennie Finch and Casey Daigle naming their newly born son "Diesel Dean Daigle" (3D!) this week- it must be noted how dumb people can be when naming their offspring. First, let's look at celebrities that have idiotically named their kids.
1) The aforementioned "Diesel." I don't care if this kid was born of mild celebrities (your welcome, Casey for me kind of calling you a celebrity)- he will be made fun of for his dumb name. That is, unless he is actually as tough in reality as the characters that Vin Diesel plays in movies. Either that, or he becomes an honorary member of The Dudley Boyz because of his nickname 3D. His first words had better be, "D-Von... get the table!!!" Otherwise, this is a horrible selection of a child's name.
2) Chris Martin and Gweneth Paltrow named their kids Apple and Moses. Really? Are you two that artsy that you're going to name your kid Apple? Apple Martin? Do you even realize how close that is to "Apple Martini?" Was it your favorite drink or something? It better not be. Chris, you're a rockstar- you can only drink Appletini's if they are laced with heroin! And Moses? Moses Martin. It's not as bad as Apple, but it's still an odd choice. I guess in the end, it would be fucked up to give their first kid a weird name and correct their mistake with the second kid. Moses does remind me of Mel Brooks in "The History of the World Part 1" when he comes out as Moses: "I give you these 15 [drops one of three tablets]- 10 Commandments!"
3) Frank Zappa's kids are named Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet, and Diva Muffin. I don't even know where to start with these. Moon Unit makes me giggle like I'm Beavis and Butthead. Dweezil sound like he's the son of Satan. Ahmet sounds like he should be a bad guy on "24." And Diva Muffin sounds like she should've been involved in a "Mango" SNL sketch. Just awful name choices.
4) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes named their daughter Suri. Suri Cruise. I'm not a fan. In what universe does Joey from "Dawson's Creek" end up with Maverick and they name their child a name of Persian origin? I'm all for being creative and I don't care about the specific origin, per se, but it just feels quite pretentious. At least if anyone makes fun of Suri later in life, she is allowed to infect them with "misplaced thetans." She will be a high priestess in Scientology after all.
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Far be it from me to actually tell people how to name their kids. It's about being creative without being weird. Sometimes, the obvious choice is the best. Carrying on a family name can be special. Honoring a great friend can be a way to go as well. Naming your kids any of the above celebrity choices is awful. Some names have bad juju because of people that have personally annoyed you in your life. It's tough to find the right groove to successfully name a child, that is certain.
I will leave you with this scenario. I have a friend with the last name "Bonin." He has joked about the many possibilities he could go with when he decides to become a father (scary thought!)
Tank Bonin - He claims there is no way the kid could be anything but the toughest motherfucker on the block. I'm guessing he would end up being gay and hate his father for such a ridiculous name.
Doggy Bonin - This was clearly a joke and it is clearly funny. Possibly still less ridiculous than "Diesel." Eat your heart out Casey Daigle.
Anita B. Bonin - No chance this daughter is able to stay off the pole.
Amanda B. Bonin - I also see a pole and sleezy hotel rooms in this girl's future.
One can hope that any of his sons grow up to become a "Missionary" some day. I'm unsure how many recruits Missionary Bonin could convert, but it would be fun to see him try!
What names do you hate? What names do you like? What names could my friend name his children?
No, my wife is not pregnant! We're still a year or two away from that life changing event!
3 comments:
I don't hate the name Diesel. I think of it as an homage to Kevin Nash. You could do way worse than having a son whose nickname is "Big Daddy Cool" and hangs out with Shawn Michaels.
Too many people are naming their kid Jack these days. I don't like it.
Zero chance that Casey Daigle's kid hangs with the Heart Break Kid.
Watch your tone on Jack- the Mrs. and I have definitely discussed that name. Though, if it is too played out by the time we have kids, we would probably re-evaluate that discussion. Since my Mom had 4 boys, I'm probably destined to have daughters any way.
How about Summer Bonin or Autumn Bonin? Either could be hilarious for my friend's hypothetical daughters.
I'm planning on naming my kids after historical and mythological figures they can't possibly live up to. Can you imagine a bespectacled, asthmatic kid named Odin? Or Xerxes? Hell yes. Or maybe a pudgy, socially awkward daughter named Aphrodite? No one is going to put that on a pole. Mission accomplished. If I have a retarded kid (god forbid) you know I'm naming him Einstein. Maybe I'll name a kid Ed Hardy just to see what happens. Or maybe I'll make up a name, like "Firfday," so when he's blowing out the candles people will sing "Happy Birthday dear Firfday..." and laugh.
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