LeBron: The Implosion

I'm not claiming to have watched every second of the NBA Finals.  Nor am I an expert in what it's like to be a global icon (not yet, anyway.)  But LeBron James can definitely be harshly judged on the back of the Miami Heat failing to win a championship.

I'm not disputing the fact that James is a fantastic basketball player.  I've heard some pundits talk about the fact that he doesn't have a "signature moment."  That is pure bullshit.  How are these for "signature moments:

1) LeBron completely taking over the game and annihilating the Detroit Pistons in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals in 2007.  He scored 48 points including the team's final 25 points. 

2) LeBron's game winning shot in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals in 2009.  That shot was off the hook.



3) The entire playoff series against the Bulls this year. As a Bulls fan, I watched in horror as the Eastern Conference Finals tilted the Heat's direction in large part because of the self-titled King.

So LeBron already has "signature moments."  He is not lacking those.  What he IS lacking is a ring.  ANYONE in the world that wants to say LeBron is better than Michael Jordan (or even Kobe Bryant) should break their own back, have a friend (because they'd be theoretically paralyzed after a breaking their back) grasp their head, bend them backwards, and stick their own head into their own asshole.  LeBron is a great player, but using superlatives like "Best ever" when referring to LeBron should earn the offender a grundle stabbing with a jagged tree branch.  Are you listening, Scottie Pippen? 

So while Jason Kidd, Dirk Nowitzki, and the rest of the Dallas Mavericks deserve to be praised for winning a championship, most of the media and rinky-dink blogs (like this one) would rather hate on LeBron.  And why shouldn't we?  LeBron did this to himself.  The well documented "Decision" and the WWE-esque party that followed set up this group of assholes for only the highest of expectations.  They failed.  So what does LeBron do now?  Here are some hints for this assclown:

- Take classes - Look, LeBron didn't have to go to college.  I get it.  He was primed to make millions of dollars.  But he learned nothing about how to handle himself in public.  I would encourage him take some media relations classes or something academic to grow the intellectual portion of his brain. 

- Be sincere - LeBron feeds the public canned lines over and over and over.  It's old.  To be honest, Tiger Woods owns this same flaw.  Listening to LeBron give lines that he thinks are going to go over well is maddening.  Shaq may have gotten in trouble from time to time by being outlandish, but people can relate to him as a person.  In fact, people feel like they know who Shaq is (even if they don't.)  LeBron should call up Shaq and get some pointers- after all, they were teammates in Cleveland, right?

- Fucking win - No one gives a shit about what LeBron might say or what off court antics he might get into if he wins championships.  Winning cures all.  It is best to fly under the radar until actually accomplishing tangible great things.  LeBron has blown any chance at a low profile and has probably made tons of money off of it.  However, the double edged sword of that self-inflated fame is that criticism is coming his way in tsunami sized waves.  He deserves it all.

- Make a difference in the 4th quarter - LeBron has to have the absolute worst ratio of any basketball player in the history of the world in this:

4th Quarter Performance/Overall Talent 

That is not a distinction any player would want as their legacy.  LeBron absolutely needs to work his ass off to become a clutch player who wants the ball when the game is in question.  Work with D. Wade and Chris Bosh to understand each others' roles.  I literally don't think they know what their personal roles are during the entire game let alone in crunch time.

King James is quite the interesting case study.  For someone who thinks so highly of himself, he is more insecure than a teenage girl.  I think we saw the "real" LeBron in the 4th Quarter of the last 5 games- and that adds up to an insignificant 11 points.  I know I and a whole hell of a lot of others are cheering against him.