THE Top 5

My wife and I often joke and talk about the question "who, in your opinion, do you think are the five hottest celebrities?"  My Top 5 changes from time to time, so I figured I'd write it up in a post.  To be honest, I don't have the Top 5 set before writing this, so we'll see what the results are.  Even I'm curious!  I'm also fairly sure I'll forget someone, so please remind me in the comments who I have forgotten. 

Honorable Mention (Up and Coming?) - Rosie Huntington

I have my tickets for the 8:45pm showing of Tranformers 3 on Thursday.  I'm interested to see if this former (?) Victoria's Secret model comes off as smoking hot on screen or like a disappointing wet blanket (Megan Fox in TF2.) 

So far so good.

One quick highly overrated chick that is just NOT hot.  She was the worst thing about the recent X-Men movie.  I wanted to gag every time they showed her in skimpy Emma Frost garb.  I'm talking of January Jones, of course.

By comparison- here is the comic book character:
















Call me crazy, but the comic book character is definitely hotter.  They did not do the character justice with JJ's casting. 

5) Olivia Wilde - I didn't know exactly who Olivia Wilde was until I saw "TRON: Legacy" but now she's more well known and rising up my own personal AP Top 5 Rankings.  I'm more of a "girl next door" kind of guy, so her features are probably as "exotic" as I go for my personal favorite ladies. 

4) Blake Lively - I'm not a fan of really any of her work, unless her breasts are enhanced- then I'm a fan of her "work."  She's smoking hot, there is no denying that.  It's too bad "Green Lantern" sounds like such a train-wreck, otherwise I would like to see what she's got in that flick. 

3) Kate Beckinsale - What I've learned about myself today is that I'm a sucker for chicks in comic book movies.  I'm also a sucker for chicks in movies where they wear tight black suits.  I can never forget Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld" killing werewolves and looking hot.  She is getting older and could be replaceable on a future Top 5, but for now, she makes the cut easily.

2) Elisha Cuthbert - Speaking of "The Girl Next Door," Jack Bauer's daughter has always been smoking hot in my eyes.  She deserves more acting gigs!  I want to petition to get her more screen time!  Is she too busy chasing after more hockey guys (she's married to one if I'm not mistaken)?  She's ridiculous.

1) Kelly Kapowski - My #1 crush of all time and she continues to stay on top of this list.  You may ask yourself, "Doesn't he mean, Tiffany Thiessen?"  No, I don't.  I mean Kelly Kapowski.  We could also go with Valerie from "90210," but I like Kelly K. better. 

Early 90s jeans and suspenders never looked so good! 

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So there you go.  My personal list is pretty decent, but it is constantly updating.  If you have any great suggestions that I missed, then throw them out there.  Don't you dare say ScarJo- now that she's getting plowed by Sean Penn, it's just not the same. 

Crazy Baby Names

I know G$ has posted about this in the past, but with Jennie Finch and Casey Daigle naming their newly born son "Diesel Dean Daigle" (3D!) this week- it must be noted how dumb people can be when naming their offspring.  First, let's look at celebrities that have idiotically named their kids.

1) The aforementioned "Diesel."  I don't care if this kid was born of mild celebrities (your welcome, Casey for me kind of calling you a celebrity)- he will be made fun of for his dumb name.  That is, unless he is actually as tough in reality as the characters that Vin Diesel plays in movies.  Either that, or he becomes an honorary member of The Dudley Boyz because of his nickname 3D.  His first words had better be, "D-Von... get the table!!!"  Otherwise, this is a horrible selection of a child's name.

2) Chris Martin and Gweneth Paltrow named their kids Apple and Moses.  Really?  Are you two that artsy that you're going to name your kid Apple?  Apple Martin?  Do you even realize how close that is to "Apple Martini?"  Was it your favorite drink or something?  It better not be.  Chris, you're a rockstar- you can only drink Appletini's if they are laced with heroin!  And Moses?  Moses Martin.  It's not as bad as Apple, but it's still an odd choice.  I guess in the end, it would be fucked up to give their first kid a weird name and correct their mistake with the second kid.  Moses does remind me of Mel Brooks in "The History of the World Part 1" when he comes out as Moses: "I give you these 15 [drops one of three tablets]- 10 Commandments!"

3) Frank Zappa's kids are named Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet, and Diva Muffin.  I don't even know where to start with these.  Moon Unit makes me giggle like I'm Beavis and Butthead.  Dweezil sound like he's the son of Satan.  Ahmet sounds like he should be a bad guy on "24."  And Diva Muffin sounds like she should've been involved in a "Mango" SNL sketch.  Just awful name choices.

4) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes named their daughter Suri.  Suri Cruise.  I'm not a fan.  In what universe does Joey from "Dawson's Creek" end up with Maverick and they name their child a name of Persian origin?  I'm all for being creative and I don't care about the specific origin, per se, but it just feels quite pretentious.  At least if anyone makes fun of Suri later in life, she is allowed to infect them with "misplaced thetans."  She will be a high priestess in Scientology after all.

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Far be it from me to actually tell people how to name their kids.  It's about being creative without being weird.  Sometimes, the obvious choice is the best.  Carrying on a family name can be special.  Honoring a great friend can be a way to go as well.  Naming your kids any of the above celebrity choices is awful.  Some names have bad juju because of people that have personally annoyed you in your life.  It's tough to find the right groove to successfully name a child, that is certain.

I will leave you with this scenario.  I have a friend with the last name "Bonin."  He has joked about the many possibilities he could go with when he decides to become a father (scary thought!)

Tank Bonin - He claims there is no way the kid could be anything but the toughest motherfucker on the block.  I'm guessing he would end up being gay and hate his father for such a ridiculous name.

Doggy Bonin - This was clearly a joke and it is clearly funny.  Possibly still less ridiculous than "Diesel." Eat your heart out Casey Daigle. 

Anita B. Bonin - No chance this daughter is able to stay off the pole.

Amanda B. Bonin - I also see a pole and sleezy hotel rooms in this girl's future. 

One can hope that any of his sons grow up to become a "Missionary" some day.  I'm unsure how many recruits Missionary Bonin could convert, but it would be fun to see him try!

What names do you hate?  What names do you like?  What names could my friend name his children?

No, my wife is not pregnant!  We're still a year or two away from that life changing event!

Prime PSAs

Admit it.  You loved NBC's "The More You Know" commercials.  You probably also loved drug use PSAs, closing episode "...and knowing is half the battle!" G.I. Joe clips, and more than likely you love also snuff films.  This is the attempt to combine all of those glorious forms of media into a blog post.  The premise will more than likely be as thin as the front of LeBron's hairline.

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Guns: If you find your parents' gun in the house and you think it would be fun to play with, well- you're probably right.  It would be hilarious fun!  However, playing with guns without proper training is dangerous and will only be tolerated after the "real" Rapture... now occurring in October.*

*The Rapture may be reschedule to 2012 to coincide with Mayan predictions or some later date depending on Family Radio's financial needs at any given time.

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Solar Flares: Sure, solar flares might look cool through NASA powered cameras, but they could legitimately knock out the world's communication networks sending society into an upheaval.  Riots and confusion would follow.  Free merchandise and no work?!  Sign me up!*

*I clearly don't have the survival skills to make it through this chaos.  Much like a game of PE dodgeball back in 3rd grade- I'd be the first one out.

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Celebrities: There's really no reason to be nervous around celebrities.  They are people just like you and me.  Normal, successful, rich people who are perfectly well adjusted to life in the public eye.

Or not? 

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Ke$ha: To my future hypothetical daughter- I'm just hoping Ke$ha is not around by the time you are old enough to understand and listen to music because it will make that much easier to not have to ban you from listening/dancing to/imitating her.  She is a dirty, dirty skank.*

*Parents: Keep your daughters off the pole.  

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Cheating: High school is high school.  College is college.  But Spanish class will always be Spanish class no matter when you take it.*

*That's right- it's ALWAYS ok to cheat in foreign language class!

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Excessive Lifestyle: Moderation is the key to a healthy life.  Everything is ok when done in moderation.  Well, maybe not everything.  Rape, robbery, murder and rape* are all things that probably aren't good to partake in at any level. 

*"Did you say "rape" twice?"  Yes, I did.  I like rape.**

**"Did you just steal a joke from 'Blazing Saddles?'"  Yes, I did.  I don't actually like rape of any kind.  I wish my personal opinion would have been shared by Kobe and Ben Roethlisberger!

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I hope these PSAs were educational and helpful.  The more you know...