June 10, 2011. Still dark.
Being born into Cubs fandom- I had no idea what I was in for when I was young. Blindly following the likes of Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson, Mark Grace, Greg Maddux, and a theoretically sober Rick Sutcliffe was easy as a youngster. They were relatively likeable fellas and I was able to visit Wrigley Field often making it easy to love the Cubs.
Hell, even the 2003 version of the Cubs was a fun bunch. Healthy and starting versions of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior easily won over my enthusiasm. However, this current bunch of twats on the Cubs are hard to watch, let alone cheer for.
Mike Quade managed to not match his former employer (the Oakland A's) in current losing streaks by beating the Reds on Wednesday. Fucking fantastic. I'm not saying that I wish he was fired at the same time the A's fired inept manager Bob Geren, but firing GM Jim Hendry may not be the worst idea the Cubs organization have ever had.
So what is the problem with the National League's highest payroll? Ugh- where to start? The Cubs have 99 Problems and bitches are all of them:
Bitch #1 - Carlos Zambrano
Oh, so you're cured motherfucker? OF COURSE YOU ARE! 5 sessions of anger management seems like a rock solid plan for a guy with more misplaced, pussy anger than Anakin Skywalker. You have to go- one way or another. I'm just not sure what team would take ya.
Bitch #2 - Ryan Dempster
You do a Harry Caray impression that is basically a second rate impression of Will Ferrell's impression. Your pitching has been even worse than that. Thank you for pitching well enough to get a big contract and then being average for the remainder of the contract. Perfect. Don't tell me that you don't get run support. You'll have plenty of time to complain about that when you're living in a VAN down by the RIVER! (Yes, Dempster also imitates Chris Farley.)
Bitch #3 - Alfonso Soriano
Paying you $18 million a year for an eternity to strikeout and get hurt seems like a rational decision. There is little that can be done to change my opinion that you are fucking trash.
Bitch #4 - Aramis Ramirez
Oh- so you're not going to wave your no trade clause? Really? Well, don't worry about it. It's fairly impossible for the Cubs to unload your contact anyway you whiny queef. Maybe if you were actually the superstar the Cubs are paying for, they wouldn't have to consider trading you because they'd be... uh... what's the word? Winning? Error-Miss Ramirez will be gone after this year and I can't wait.
Bitch #5 - Jim Hendry
You should be Bitch #1. Speaking of NO TRADE CLAUSES- HOW THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE ON THE CUBS HAVE A NO TRADE CLAUSE? You sign all of these bungling underachievers and give all of them leverage over trading their albatross contracts? Are you insane? If any of these guys ask for no trade clauses, tell them to stick the contract up their ass until they let it go. Tell them to pick between getting paid ungodly amounts of money and having a pussy no trade clause. You should be fired three years ago.
I could go on. Rain clouds follow me every damn day when I watch the Cubs, but I continue to tune in. I'm a loyal fan. It's almost amazing I'm able to stay interested since the other Chicago teams that I love have been very respectable recently (Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks) and this franchise looks like chunky diarrhea clogging up an ivy fill toilet, but such is the life of a Cubs fan I suppose.
I have nothing positive to say about this team. If I'm really reaching... the Cubs drafted not only Shawon Duston's son (get the Shawon-O-Meter warmed up!) AND Wayne Gretzky's son. That's it. I'm hoping Starlin Castro and Darwin Barney provide stability up the middle, but who knows? The Cubs will probably fuck those guys up as well.
There is little joy in Wrigleyville these days. It makes me miss Sammy Sosa's juiced up, corked bat, pre-bleached skin ass. And that is the sad state of affairs with my favorite baseball team. I wish I could vaporize them like the Death Star extinguished the planet of Alderaan. At least then the Cubs could start fresh. A house cleaning is probably step 1 toward respectability.
But don't listen to me- I'm just an uncured fan with massive rage building inside of me. And I haven't been to anger management yet, so I'm probably likely to destroy a Gatorade cooler or fight Michael Barret in the very near future.
All that being said, I'm still in this for the long haul, so let's get on the right track Cubs. Fire Hendry, build up through the draft (with the great picks you'll certainly retain over the next few years), and DO NOT trade away promising prospects for band-aids to cover up outer skull fractures (cough- Matt Garza- cough.) I'm hoping they learn from past mistakes because the Cubs do have the potential to be a big market powerhouse. They just need the right people running the show. I'm depressed, but hopeful.
Go Cubbies!
Prime 99
