Tastes Great! Less Filling!

Anyone else remember when John Madden used to promote Miller Lite with the slogan, "Tastes Great! Less Filling!"  Do you?  I know I do.  Here's a crappy picture to jog your memory:

Neither?

At least we can safely say it was an effective ad.  I was probably 5 years old at the time I watched this and I still remember Madden solving patron arguments by saying Miller Lite has both great taste and less filling.  Unfortunately, as a five-year-old, I wasn't their target market (or was I?)  This commercial was Madden's second greatest commercial just behind "Tough-Actin'-Tinactin." 

Let's talk about the "Big 3" of nationally marketed light beers.  Which brand stands tall against the rest?  We are limiting this battle between the aforementioned Miller Lite, Bud Light, and "The Silver Bullet" Coors Light. 

First, two quick tidbits about Coors Light (or as the hillbillies call it- "Crrs Light.")  My freshman year in college, my roommate and I had an older (read as: able to buy alcohol) friend come up to visit.  He bought a case of Coors Light for us to drink.  We loaded up large plastic cups with two beers at a time and got obliterated.  We had invited over some friends (both girls and guys) and someone suggested I play guitar.  This was the first and last time I ever remember attempting to play the guitar and not being able to complete the task.  My fingers felt like rickety tree branches that wouldn't move. I looked at everyone and said, "Sorry, this will have to wait until later."  Eventually, I ended up throwing up due to alcohol for the first time, missed class the next morning, and didn't get out of bed until 6pm. 

Second, my friend Karl has a friend nicknamed "The Wolf Man."  I've never met this guy, but apparently he's quite hairy.  On one occasion, Karl and "The Wolf Man" were at a party.  They had tons of Coors Light and someone brought over a few cans.  They offered one can to "The Wolf Man" who promptly yelled, "THE WOLF MAN DON'T DRINK THE SILVER BULLET- AW-OOOOOOO!"  Hilarious stuff by a guy who talks in the third person! 

It is a party foul to show up to The Wolf Man's house with Crrrs Light.

Ok, so how do I rank these fine* beverages?

Well, let's start at the bottom.  Coors Light ranks the lowest.  It is piss water.  No amount of fake NFL coaches' press conferences can save it from being the worst of the worst.  I'm embarrassed that I've ever tasted this urine-soaked cesspool of a beer.

No one likes Coors Light or Herm Edwards.

Miller Lite is coming in second.  Despite being horrible with spell check, this beer is OK.  Mrs. P. was a promo-girl for Miller Lite for awhile, so I did go through a supportive phase where I drank this beer exclusively. 

My take on Miller Lite is that it is a decent beer that tries hard.  The "Triple Hops Brew" does actually give it a more golden hue and I can tell that there are more ingredients in Miller Lite than the other two beers in this competition.  The problem was that 50% of the time I drank Miller Lite, I'd end up with crippling diarrhea.  I'm not sure if the beer was brewed by Lloyd Christmas and that one of the three kinds of hops they use is "Turbo-Lax," but I decided to rarely drink Miller Lite after Mrs. P. retired as a promo-girl. 

Funniest movie scene EVER.

That, of course, leaves us with Bud Light.  The reigning champ in market share and my preferable choice when drinking light beer.  It is the perfect balance between Crrrs' piss water and Miller's golden shower.  Bud Light brings a solid taste for what it is.  They also consistently have the funniest commercials, which matters none when drinking beer, but it is a nice bonus for the sake of the argument. 

"We have to go back!"**

So if we are hanging out tailgating for a sporting event or having a casual BBQ, make sure you bring the Bud Light along.  Or actually, you can bring any number of beers that better than all three of these- whatever works.

*fine = piss water
**LOST reference