"You Ain't Got No Girlfriend!"

While at my friend's house in Martinez on Saturday, I ran into a friend from high school.  In the interest of keeping this anonymous, I won't say his name.  However, in the interest in giving him credit for this story, just know this is 100% his story.  This guy always did an excellent Shaggy and Scooby impression, so let's call him "Shaggy."

This story took place this past December at a Costco.  First some background-

- One of Shaggy's best friends is a guy we'll call "JP" (also from our high school.)  JP's parents are apparently ripped from the 1950's.  They are wholesome and naive.

- Shaggy's girlfriend had met JP once, but never met JP's parents.

- Shaggy and his girlfriend had just eaten pot-brownies to make the trip to Costco more fun and/or interesting.

So the couple gets to Costco and the brownies begin to kick in.  Early into the trip, Shaggy gets a call from another friend discussing the new handgun had just bought.  Yes, this story keeps getting more and more ridiculous- but it's awesome.

While on the phone talking handguns, Shaggy sees JP's mom.  He decides to dodge her at the moment because a) he's high and b) he's talking about handguns.  He figures he'll say "hello" after he's off the phone if he sees her again.

Nothing like weed and handguns to get the juices flowing.

After a few minutes, Shaggy feels that feeling all coupled people sense when their significant other is getting annoyed with the amount of time they are take too long of a phone call while out shopping.  I've definitely been the sender and receiver of that vibe, so I can't really fault her.  Not to mention, they are both high, so a conversation about a brand new handgun could probably last hours without intervention.

Shaggy decides to end the conversation and continue shopping.  After a while, they are finishing up their shopping trip (did they get an industry sized bag of "The Munchies?"  I really hope so!)  Down the main aisle near the checkouts, Shaggy sees both of JP's parents.  He tells his girlfriend he's going to go say hi and introduce her.  Silently, she feels self-conscious about being high and decides this would not be the best time to meet JP's parents.  She walks about without saying a thing and Shaggy does not notice that she did not follow him over.

Shaggy exchanges pleasantries with JP's parents, and when they ask him how he's doing he says, "I'm fine- just here shopping with my girlfriend..." He motions to his side only to find that she's gone.

"♫♪ She's gone, oh why, oh why... ♪♫"

This seemed to be funny enough.  An imaginary girlfriend for a guy who is ripped is a comical situation.  However, to kick it up a notch, with perfect timing, a large random black man immediately inserts himself into the conversation by saying the following:

"You ain't got no girlfriend!  I'm your man!  That's right- don't be ashamed of me no more!  Don't you be talkin' 'bout no girlfriend!"  Etc., etc. 

Apparently, this guy went on for upwards up 30 seconds.  Shaggy and JP's parents were stunned and all of them were silent as they listened to this hulking Little Richard.  When he reached the conclusion of his rant.  He politely states, "I'm just kiddin' ya'll.  Merry Christmas!"  Then bounces away in feminine fashion with his cart.

I imagine he looked like this.

Shaggy looks at JP's parents, not knowing exactly what to say.  He was stunned and his head was still swimming because, well, he was high.  Eventually, he blurts out, "Wow- that was weird.  But you know what, that guy was actually really, really funny."  To which JP's mom replies, "Oh, I didn't think so- he startled me!"  Awesome.

Eventually Shaggy's girlfriend came over for a quick introduction, everyone checked out and left.  So ends the greatest story I've ever heard that was set inside of a Costco.