NFL Week 5

In a raspy voice, "The Raiders... the Raiders will win!"

And they did.  This win was surely dedicated to this man who meant so much to a proud franchise:

"Commitment to BRAAAAAAINS!"

It's an odd thing.  For YEARS I've heard friends of mine who are Raider fans (I only allow a maximum of 3 Raider fans a time to be my friends) say, "We just have to wait until Al Davis dies- then we will be good again!"  Then oddly, the Raiders finish 8-8 last year and look decent this year, and all of a sudden, it is a tragedy when Big Al dies.  I suppose it makes sense.  Death usually gives the deceased a bump in public opinion.  I will say that the Raiders came up HUGE with a win in Texas this weekend, so that is definitely a positive boost for the mourning fan base. 

Let's look at some other highlights/lowlights before getting to the weekly fantasy football update:

- Holy 49ers, Batman!  As my friend and occasional commenter Dick Tracy said, "That was a dick-stomping!"  And he's right.  The Niners looked as good as I've seen in years.  I am a huge Josh Freeman and Bucs hater (though that came back to bite me last week in fantasy) so I'm not going to sit here and say the Niners are "elite."  However, they looked damn good on offense and defense, not to mention they have Ted Ginn, Jr. returning kicks/punts.  Jim Harbaugh is building his team correctly. 

- Tim Te-boner got in the game to replace the bearded Kyle Orton.  He ran around in circles only to lead a comeback against the Chargers.  While the Broncos ultimately fell short, I can't imagine that John Fox does not stick with Tebow for the rest of the year.  He allowed fan chants to get Tebow in the game, so he has to stick with Football Jesus.  Orton weakly clapping on the sideline after Tebow led a touchdown drive shows that Orton knows he's finished in Denver (and probably as a starter in the NFL.)  At least he can make money holding a clip board.  I'd do it, if they'd let me. 

- I love Drew Brees.  The Saints look so-so and still pull out the win against Cam Newton and the Panthers.  Not only that, the Saints even tried to start a fight!  I agree that Steve Smith was dogging it into the end zone to rub it in, but Roman Harper should know better than to hit Smith in the end zone well after Smith crossed the goal line.  There are plenty of basketball players I wish I could've laid a cheap shot on in high school, however, I was smart enough to do it legally during game action while the refs weren't watching. 

- The Eagles are falling apart worse than Al Davis' corpse.  I have no idea how or why, but the Eagles are inexplicably 1-4.  Michael Vick is still dangerous, but he is prone to injury and stupidity.  His O-Line is certainly not helping him out.  The Nightmare Team needs to figure some shit out quickly.  Hopefully they don't because they play the Bears in a month. 

- The Packers are scary.  Just when you think a decent Falcons team has them in a bad spot at 14-0, their defense cracks down and Aaron Rodgers leads a comeback.  I hate the Packers.  To me, they are the AIDS of the NFL.  However, Aaron Rodgers is probably the best QB in the game. 

Ok, fantasy time... let's go in reverse order of quality:

Family and Friends:

CORE 71.90 - BossHogg 74.16

My team is terrible.  Phillip Rivers probably lives under the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore.  The only way I win is at the expense of the Bears.  I have Javid Best left and he has Matt Forte and Bears D.  I hope I lose by a wide margin. 

MSFL:

Murder Panties 146 - The Million Dollar Men 114

This is quickly becoming my favorite league.  I really care about beating a group of people that I either don't know, or haven't seen in over 20 years.  The exception, of course, is my opponent this week- G$.  Previously undefeated, G$ put up a good fight with a great Kevin Walters pick up, but the Bye Week was too much to overcome (he only had MJD as an active RB from his normal roster.)  The Bye Week even swung things to my advantage because I started Pierre Garcon instead of my normal play of Santana Moss.  30 points for a Colt!  Unheard of this year. The match is over, but I still have Robbie Gould tonight. 

Not Cali Keepers:

Peppermill High Rollers 83 - Indy Bound 76

I remained dominant this week.  He has no one left and I have Forte, Best, and the Lions or Bears D to go tonight.  I highly doubt his team name prediction will come true.  He started Mark Sanchez this week, so I'm going to predict that that move disqualifies him right there.  I'll probably start the Bears D, since I have Forte and Best to pad the lead if the game goes in a bad direction. I will listen to advice if I should just bench both defenses though. 

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I'm so ready for tonight.  This should be a fun game.  I'm happy for the Lions to be getting back to respectability, but they are only a few weeks (or possibly hours) away from me hating their guts.  Go Bears!

NFL Week 4

That was quite the interesting week of football (but aren't they all?)  A few impressions before moving on to the Fantasy Football update:

- This site always starts with the Bears.  What a frustrating game.  Granted, I didn't watch any of it besides highlights and internet updates, but I followed the updates play by play.  At one point, I was scared shitless that the Bears were going to get an INT for a TD, a punt return for a TD, AND well over 100 yards of rushing from Matt Forte and still lose.  Luckily, Forte's grand finale of earning over 200 yards sealed the game away.  However, Cam Newton embarrassed the Bears' D.  He sliced them up like a hot knife through a street whore.  That garbage TD to Greg Olsen at the end of the game was murder fantasy-wise.  Ugh.  At least they got the win, though.  With the Packers and Lions both advancing to 4-0, the season was pretty much over right there if they had blown this game.

- The San Francisco 49ers!!!  WTF?!  They certainly do not win pretty, but their defense buckled down, held off the Eagles and the Niners were able to muster enough offense to win.  Someone in one of my fantasy leagues started Alex Smith!  He is going to win and I believe that no one should be rewarded for such idiocy.  Anyway, the two-headed beast of Gore and Hunter have put the Niners in first place of the NFC West by 2 games!  They also sent the "Dream Team" to 1-3.  [Insert Nelson's laugh from "The Simpsons."]

- The Buffalo Bills are still pretty badass.  They got caught in a trap game.  I hope they are able to rebound.  They are more likable than Wheelchair Cat.

"Give me the bag bitch, or I will cut you!"

- Drew Brees and New Orleans Saints got the win on Sunday.  However, they left far too many points on the field.  In Breesus I trust, but c'mon Drew!  Let's take the bull by the horns.

"It's a metaphor... but that actually happened."

- I want to fight the Ravens.  All of them.  The Jets got absolutely drilled on Sunday night.  Unfortunately, fantasy-wise, the Jets' D was able to score more fucking points than the Jets scored actual points.  Simply disgusting.  If I lose this week, I blame the Ravens for winning one of the most gutless performances I've ever seen for a team scoring 34 points and winning.

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MSFL:

Murder Panties 153 - Your Mom 141

My previous rant was about this exact sitch.  I'm now up 12, with no one left to go.  Money Shot commenter Li'l Strut still has Josh Freeman.  I am cheering for Dwight Freeney to give Josh Freeman two charlie horses, an Indian burn, a pink belly, and dislocated knee cap during the Bucs' first possession on MNF.  The over/under on highlights from that MNF game a few years ago where Peyton Manning engineered a re-donk-u-lous comeback to defeat a John Gruden-led Bucs team is at 547.  I'm sure Chucky will have plenty of stupid things to say about that game. 

Cali Not Keepers:

Peppermill High Rollers 119 - Balls On Chin 71

After a disappointing loss last week, the High Rollers rebound to turn another team's team name against them (that's right, my balls are on their chin!)  Unless Reggie Wayne scores 49 points, I will reclaim my seat atop the league.  Seriously, I have the best team in this league.

Family and Friends:

CORE 98.68 - Razzle Dazzle 142.12

I've pretty much given up in this league.  I made some poor drafting decisions.  I need to make some trades and see if anything pans out.  Phillip Rivers can put his own balls on his chin.  To add insult to injury, I have no one left and Razzle Dazzle still has Joseph Addai.  Aaron Rodgers is scary as fuck and I don't appreciate getting dominated like that.

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Alright Josh Freeman- tank it for me.  Let your RB's take over.  Hell, score 11 points- that's cool.  But not 12.  Score 12 and you will get at least a fist wag from yours truly.  Also, a big shout out to my wife as it is our two-year anniversary.  It feels like we've been married FOREVER... in a good way!

NFL: Week 3

Ouch.  The Bears really put a damper on my day.  I can handle them getting beat by a better team.  I really can.  What I can't handle are crippling, inexcusable penalties that ruin offensive drives.  I can't handle receivers getting hit in the goddamn face and chest only to drop crucial passes.  And I REALLY can't handle a nonsensical holding penalty to bring back one of the most inventive plays I've ever seen in my life (I'm of course talking about the punt return fake out by Devin Hester that led to a touchdown by Johnny Knox.)

Much of the blame can fall on the backs of the O-Line and some goes to Jay Cutler as well.  The O-Line was porous at best and Jay Cutler should work for UPS because of all the air mail he was sending.  Also, those orange jerseys are literally the worst in all of sports.  Please stick with the classic navy home uniforms- please!!! While the Bears left me feeling hollow inside, the rest of the NFL was extremely interesting.  Let's get to a few highlights before looking at my fantasy teams. 

- The Buffalo Fucking Bills!  It doesn't even matter if the Bills lose the rest of their games.  I am willing to admit I was wrong about the Bills.  I gave blogger/commenter extraordinaire G$ a hard time for picking the Bills to go to the playoffs.  As it turns out, even he was wrong for not picking them to at least win their own division!  They are an amazing story and they are a hard team to not root for. 

Nothing says "exuberance" like balls to the face!

- The Detroit Fucking Lions!  I'm not happy that the Lions are sitting tied for the NFC North division lead at 3-0, but hey, they've been SO bad over the last... uh... infinity years that they might as well throw their fans a bone.  Matthew Stafford looks to be the real deal and their comeback against the hapless Vikings was impressive.  Don't they have a big match-up coming in a couple weeks?  I think so. 

- Michael Vick is brittle.  I've said it over and over- Michael Vick is reckless and injury prone.  I did not draft him in my fantasy leagues because a) he's a dogkiller and b) he's not going to make it through the season.  First a concussion and now a broken hand.  He is now crying in his press conferences about not getting roughing penalties calls.  Shut your mouth and play Ringleader!  I'm selling Vick stock in a major way. 

Pictured: Sad Michael Vick

- The Falcons might be bad.  This is not a good thought.  I was happy when the Bears crushed the Falcons in Week 1.  Now, it turns out that the Falcons might be horrible making the Bears win highly unimpressive.  I am not looking forward to Drew Brees' bye week in the MSFL (Week 11) as Matt Ryan is my back-up. 

Ok, Fantasy Football time.  Let's check it out.

MSFL:

Murder Panties 135 - Red Stag Warriors 124

Has anyone has Red Stag whiskey?  I assume it is horrible.  Lead by a not very attractive 32 points by Drew Breesus, 24 points by Ahmad Bradshaw, and 20 points from TE Jimmy Graham (double points!) my team moved to 2-1.  I still have Santana Moss tonight, but RSW has no one, so I am officially victorious (unless Moss grabs -11 points tonight.) 

Cali Not Keepers:

Peppermill High Rollers 100 - Boston Teabags 105

This one is a little rough.  I benched Greg Olsen (because he had been shitty) and picked up Fred Davis.  This was a misstep because Olsen played great AND the Boston Teabags decided to start Rex Grossman at QB this week.  So I am down 5 points and I have Fred Davis and Santana Moss going tonight.  Unfortunately, BT has the Sex Cannon tossing them the ball.  I literally have to root for a Sexy Rexy injury and John Beck to come and throw a TD to Davis or Moss.  I suppose I deserve this after starting Rex in the championship last year against BT.  No matter what happens this week, I still won the 'ship last year!

Family and Friends:

CORE 69.94 - White Walker 84.28

The Observer got me this week because my team tanked.  Phillip Rivers is officially the best/worst looking player in the NFL.  I have never had him on a fantasy team before, but now that I've been watching more Chargers action, I can officially say that I hate watching this team.  To double my problems, Boston Teabags had Ryan Mathews and Rivers' lack of production caused Mathews to have a huge day.  Ah, the ripple effect of fantasy football.  Gotta love it.  I have no one left in this league so the match-up is settled.  Billy Cundiff was my second leading scorer this week.  So ugly. 

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Another week in the bag.  Did you know that the San Francisco 49ers are in first place of their division?!  Crazy!  The NFC West is the worst. 

As far as tonight goes, I expect a close game.  Let's see Santa Moss grab 2 TDs and Fred Davis get 1.  'Skins over the punctured lung 21-17. 

NFL Week 1

I am so glad the NFL season has begun.  Between cheering on the Bears, Fantasy Football, and the rest of the drama that follows the NFL, it is just glad to have it back.  I spent the entire day Sunday watching the RedZone Channel, so I'll run through some of my favorite moments (good and bad) from the weekend.  I will hand out some awards as well. 

Bears 30, Falcons 12 - What a great way to kick off the season.  On Friday, I was listening to Keyshawn Johnson, Chris Mortensen, and Mike Tirico on the radio.  Mort picked the Falcons to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.  All of them talked about how they were not high on the Bears.  They agreed that the Falcons would win on Sunday. 

Well, well, well, well... This is one great example of the media getting on a team's jock hard, while not giving respect to a solid, yet potentially unsexy, team.  The Bears' D looked great and why wouldn't they?  They willed the Bears to the NFC title game last year.  They have most of the same piece back.  I'm extremely happy to see them hold a potentially efficient Falcons' offense to 6 points.  The Bears' offense actually gave up the one Falcons touchdown in the game.  The Bears' D on Sunday was a perfect example of Lovie Smith's "bend but not break" philosophy. 

Jay Cutler looked great besides one mistake (INT returned for a TD.)  That mistake was probably more on the O-Line, but it is still unacceptable.  Ultimately, though, it was meaningless.  Matt Forte is my hero- pay that man his money! 

"Kid's got alligator blood..."

In the end, the Bears just upped the expectations on this season.  They have a tough challenge in the Saints next week- the blood is already flowing toward my genitals in excitement. 

Coach Tellian Award - In high school I was a basketball player.  I have never played a game of football in pads.  One reason for this was that our high school football program was wretched.  My senior year, the entire program went 0-30.  That's right- the Freshmen, JV, and Varsity squads went 0-10 a piece.  Ouch.  Midseason, Coach Tellian, the mastermind of this program, offered me the starting Tight End position in passing while I was walking to my next class.  What a tool. 

He literally looked like this.

This award goes to the worst coaching decision of the week:

Sean Payton - His decision to run Mark Ingram with no time remaining while down by 8 to the defending Super Bowl champs is inexcusable.  When you have one of the best QBs in the NFL, and said QB has over 400 yards passing and 3 TDs, you should put the ball in elite QB's hands rather than a rookie.  The Saints deserved to lose that game due to such a poor decision. 

Matthew Berry Award -  I admit I watch ESPN's Fantasy Football show each Sunday morning.  The Talented Mr. Roto has occasional good advice.  He also occasionally spews out the worst liquid diarrhea of fantasy tips.  This award is in honor of the poor side of Berry's advice.

Me - I benched Steve Smith (CAR) at 9:30am Sunday.  He sat active all week, and I psyched myself out and put in Ronnie Brown.  I figured Cam Newton would be inaccurate and throw mostly to his TEs, while Ronnie Brown might get some touches to steal points away from LeSean McCoy (the guy I was going against had Vick and McCoy in his lineup.)  It was a terrible gamble that lost me the week.  What I do know now is that if Arian Foster comes back healthy, my team is pretty damn good.  This makes me feel good. 

Steve Smith reminding me who scored the most points on my team... even though he was on the motherfuckin' bench.

Jim Harbaugh Award - I love that Harbaugh once ran up the score on USC while coaching at Stanford.  This prompted Pete Carroll to ask him, "What's your deal?" during the post-game handshake.  Hilarious!  Now they get to play each other twice a year! 

Jim Harbaugh!  His San Francisco 49ers took care of business against the Carroll's Seahawks.  Alex Smith showed some grit and Ted Ginn returned a punt and a kick!  If nothing else, congrats to my friends that cheer for the Niners.  This game has to give you at least a little hope. 

Munson Award - The movie "Kingpin" is hilarious.  Woody Harrelson played Roy Munson- a bowler who constantly looks like he has the world at his fingertips, only to make a bad decision or two and get the crap beat out of him (or in one case, his hand cut off!)  During the movie, people start using the saying "they really munson'ed that" to describe someone screwing up.  This team really "munson'ed" their game this week. 

The look of a champion.

Dallas Cowboys - I'm watching the game as I write this post.  The Cowboys had total control over this game.  There is no way they should have lost this game.  Tony Romo fumbled near the goal line.  They had a punt blocked for a Jets TD.  With 8 seconds left, the center snapped the ball to Romo when he was unprepared.  The Cowboys are garbage and it will be a LOOOONG season if they continue to make these type of dumb decisions.  Yikes. 

Bad News Bears Award - This award goes to the team that played the worst, but still won. 

San Diego Chargers - Wow.  I started the Chargers D in one fantasy league on the premise that they have a good defense and that their massive weakness on special teams was worked on and fixed.  A solid 12 seconds into their opening game against the Vikings and I'm convinced that Norv Turner allowed the Chargers' special teams to complete all their drills on Madden rather than on an actual field.  Despite the Chargers' best efforts to lose the game, they ended up beating Donovan McNabb's Vikings.  I'm happy with the end result, but the game was fucking awful.

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This season looks to be pret-ay, pret-ay, pretty good.  The Lions, Bills, Bengals, and Redskins should be awfully proud of themselves.  All of those teams came up with big wins that will help excite their fan-bases.  It is just great to have football back. 

First Fantasy Draft In The Books

Alright folks, it is causal Friday here at Prime99. I spent my Thursday night drinking Gentleman Jack, listening to STP, and drafting my first fantasy football team.

The official drink for Fantasy Football Drafts.

I was randomly given the ninth pick out of ten teams.  I had a lot of fun making ridiculous drunk comments to the rest of the league- some of whom I don't know at all.  Pushing all that aside, let's look at the team I have acquired:

AP was taken #1 | Arian Foster went #2 | #3 was inexplicably the terrorist Rashad Mendenhall | Ray Rice went #4 | Chris Johnson held out til #5 (get it?!) | Jamaal Charles was #6 | Aaron Rodgers #7 | Darren McFadden #8 | and my pick was...

Michael Turner.  Not bad for #9.  I wanted a stable RB.  I probably would've drafted Aaron Rodgers if he dropped to me, but I'm content with Turner.

#10 was Shady McCoy
#11 was Andre Johnson

And as the draft snaked back to me, I selected...

Phillip Rivers at #12.  I feel he's primed for a nice year and I will enjoy reaping the benefits of the gorgeous whether in The Whale's Vagina.

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

Let's list the rest of my team without worrying about who was picked when:

WR Vincent Jackson (double points!)
WR Miles Austin (he has gorgeous eyes!)
RB Knowshon Moreno (Odd name, I hope he's sick)
TE Owen Daniels (ready for a big year)
FLEX Javid Best (start putting up those numbers from Cal... sans the concussions...) 
K Robbie Gould (had to get my Bears on somewhere)  

Bench: Bouldin, Ingram, Orton Express, Rashad Jennings, Devin Hester, Aaron Hernandez, and sleeper Colt McCoy

DEF - Patriots
DEF - Giants

So what do you think?  Am I a contender without knowing any of the other teams' rosters?  I named my team CORE after the first STP album.  I want to rape the rest of the league while I force them to listen to "Sex Type Thing."

A warning to the rest of the league.

I love Fantasy Football.