People I Hate: The Gym Know-It-All

Every damn day I run into people who lower the average social value in society.  Whether they are drivers participating in the morning commute or homeless people lying about how they are definitely not going spend your loose change on booze (I only give money directly to charities, I refuse to enable bums to continue being pieces of shit.) 

"That dollar you just gave me will set me on the right path... toward a Steel Reserve!"

Today, let's talk about a type of person near and dear to my heart: the gym know-it-all.  You know and hate this person.  You are working out and minding your own business, and they come up to you to give you unsolicited advice about how to perform a workout better.  You look at them, space out, hear nothing of what they are saying, nod a few times, and then say, "Uh, thanks..."  Hopefully they go away with asking for validation that you appreciated their advice.

Sorry- no appreciation here.

Obviously, this person can exist outside of the gym in many situations, but let's focus on the gym person for the moment.  The other day, I was in a weight training class that I've been going to regularly.  On that particular day, I decided to add weight to my squat set.  I had also done a full session the day before, so I was really pushing myself to get stronger.  Near the end of the set, my muscles were failing and my form got a little sloppy.  Not terrible, but I new that due to the extra weight, I had burnt my legs out. 

Right after the set, a girl who clearly thinks she's the shit, came up to me and told me some "corrections" I could make to not "hurt my knees."  OH REALLY?!  So I did exactly as I described above- I zoned out, nodded, and said, "OK..."  I think she thought I was blowing her off.  If she did think that, then she was correct. 

Don't tell me what I can't do!!!

For the rest of class, I spied her from across the room to see how "correct" her form was for the other exercises.  Shockingly, she was NOT a model of great form throughout the workout.  She definitely thinks she is great, but between quitting in the middle of workouts, not staying in rhythm with the rest of class, and simply being uneven because she was putting on too much weight, I found many problems with her form.  And guess what I told her after class?

Fucking NOTHING. 

That's right folks- it's not my business.  I don't know everyone's background with lifting, but what I do know is that we are all grown-ups.  There is no need for my to tell a grown-ass adult how shitty their form is.  If they really care, they can hire a personal trainer to give them advice and help them succeed.  

In fact, I mildly think she was just coming up to start a conversation because there are people with HORRIBLE form in our class that she does not give advice to.  If her goal was to start a conversation with the best looking guy in class, then she has failed once again.  Even if I was single, there is no chance I'm going to flirt with a girl who is trying to show me up in the gym.  I can only guess where a relationship with such a person would go.  I'd rather take a trip to a Jigsaw trap than go on one date with this cocky bitch. 

It's a "no brainer"- get it?!

Regardless of motivation, there is a great reason to not give out unsolicited advice at the gym- there is no possibility of a positive response.  There is a 95% chance that the person will not take your advice.  The 5% chance that they do in fact listen and use your advice leads to them also hating your guts.  That's correct, there is a 100% chance that the person you are trying to help will end up hating you like the Palestinians hate the Jews.  You cannot win. 

I haven't even gotten into the fact that there is no reason to trust a random person at the gym.  What known qualifications does a random person that I've never met have to give me advice?  None.  Now, pull out a personal training certificate out of your back pocket and I'll give you a shred of credibility.  Not too much though, because what self-respecting person carries around their PT certificate?  NO ONE.  Do you see how hopeless this case is to win? 

I was once told by an Economics professor to never give out unsolicited financial advice.  If the person takes your advice, they will not give you much credit when said advice succeeds.  If the advice fails though, you bet your ass they will blame you for every penny they lost.  The same rules apply at the gym. 

In conclusion, I would like to invite that stupid bitch, and all other advice-giving-assholes to mind their own business at the gym.  Thank you very much.