NFL Week 5

In a raspy voice, "The Raiders... the Raiders will win!"

And they did.  This win was surely dedicated to this man who meant so much to a proud franchise:

"Commitment to BRAAAAAAINS!"

It's an odd thing.  For YEARS I've heard friends of mine who are Raider fans (I only allow a maximum of 3 Raider fans a time to be my friends) say, "We just have to wait until Al Davis dies- then we will be good again!"  Then oddly, the Raiders finish 8-8 last year and look decent this year, and all of a sudden, it is a tragedy when Big Al dies.  I suppose it makes sense.  Death usually gives the deceased a bump in public opinion.  I will say that the Raiders came up HUGE with a win in Texas this weekend, so that is definitely a positive boost for the mourning fan base. 

Let's look at some other highlights/lowlights before getting to the weekly fantasy football update:

- Holy 49ers, Batman!  As my friend and occasional commenter Dick Tracy said, "That was a dick-stomping!"  And he's right.  The Niners looked as good as I've seen in years.  I am a huge Josh Freeman and Bucs hater (though that came back to bite me last week in fantasy) so I'm not going to sit here and say the Niners are "elite."  However, they looked damn good on offense and defense, not to mention they have Ted Ginn, Jr. returning kicks/punts.  Jim Harbaugh is building his team correctly. 

- Tim Te-boner got in the game to replace the bearded Kyle Orton.  He ran around in circles only to lead a comeback against the Chargers.  While the Broncos ultimately fell short, I can't imagine that John Fox does not stick with Tebow for the rest of the year.  He allowed fan chants to get Tebow in the game, so he has to stick with Football Jesus.  Orton weakly clapping on the sideline after Tebow led a touchdown drive shows that Orton knows he's finished in Denver (and probably as a starter in the NFL.)  At least he can make money holding a clip board.  I'd do it, if they'd let me. 

- I love Drew Brees.  The Saints look so-so and still pull out the win against Cam Newton and the Panthers.  Not only that, the Saints even tried to start a fight!  I agree that Steve Smith was dogging it into the end zone to rub it in, but Roman Harper should know better than to hit Smith in the end zone well after Smith crossed the goal line.  There are plenty of basketball players I wish I could've laid a cheap shot on in high school, however, I was smart enough to do it legally during game action while the refs weren't watching. 

- The Eagles are falling apart worse than Al Davis' corpse.  I have no idea how or why, but the Eagles are inexplicably 1-4.  Michael Vick is still dangerous, but he is prone to injury and stupidity.  His O-Line is certainly not helping him out.  The Nightmare Team needs to figure some shit out quickly.  Hopefully they don't because they play the Bears in a month. 

- The Packers are scary.  Just when you think a decent Falcons team has them in a bad spot at 14-0, their defense cracks down and Aaron Rodgers leads a comeback.  I hate the Packers.  To me, they are the AIDS of the NFL.  However, Aaron Rodgers is probably the best QB in the game. 

Ok, fantasy time... let's go in reverse order of quality:

Family and Friends:

CORE 71.90 - BossHogg 74.16

My team is terrible.  Phillip Rivers probably lives under the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore.  The only way I win is at the expense of the Bears.  I have Javid Best left and he has Matt Forte and Bears D.  I hope I lose by a wide margin. 

MSFL:

Murder Panties 146 - The Million Dollar Men 114

This is quickly becoming my favorite league.  I really care about beating a group of people that I either don't know, or haven't seen in over 20 years.  The exception, of course, is my opponent this week- G$.  Previously undefeated, G$ put up a good fight with a great Kevin Walters pick up, but the Bye Week was too much to overcome (he only had MJD as an active RB from his normal roster.)  The Bye Week even swung things to my advantage because I started Pierre Garcon instead of my normal play of Santana Moss.  30 points for a Colt!  Unheard of this year. The match is over, but I still have Robbie Gould tonight. 

Not Cali Keepers:

Peppermill High Rollers 83 - Indy Bound 76

I remained dominant this week.  He has no one left and I have Forte, Best, and the Lions or Bears D to go tonight.  I highly doubt his team name prediction will come true.  He started Mark Sanchez this week, so I'm going to predict that that move disqualifies him right there.  I'll probably start the Bears D, since I have Forte and Best to pad the lead if the game goes in a bad direction. I will listen to advice if I should just bench both defenses though. 

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I'm so ready for tonight.  This should be a fun game.  I'm happy for the Lions to be getting back to respectability, but they are only a few weeks (or possibly hours) away from me hating their guts.  Go Bears!

NFL Week 4

That was quite the interesting week of football (but aren't they all?)  A few impressions before moving on to the Fantasy Football update:

- This site always starts with the Bears.  What a frustrating game.  Granted, I didn't watch any of it besides highlights and internet updates, but I followed the updates play by play.  At one point, I was scared shitless that the Bears were going to get an INT for a TD, a punt return for a TD, AND well over 100 yards of rushing from Matt Forte and still lose.  Luckily, Forte's grand finale of earning over 200 yards sealed the game away.  However, Cam Newton embarrassed the Bears' D.  He sliced them up like a hot knife through a street whore.  That garbage TD to Greg Olsen at the end of the game was murder fantasy-wise.  Ugh.  At least they got the win, though.  With the Packers and Lions both advancing to 4-0, the season was pretty much over right there if they had blown this game.

- The San Francisco 49ers!!!  WTF?!  They certainly do not win pretty, but their defense buckled down, held off the Eagles and the Niners were able to muster enough offense to win.  Someone in one of my fantasy leagues started Alex Smith!  He is going to win and I believe that no one should be rewarded for such idiocy.  Anyway, the two-headed beast of Gore and Hunter have put the Niners in first place of the NFC West by 2 games!  They also sent the "Dream Team" to 1-3.  [Insert Nelson's laugh from "The Simpsons."]

- The Buffalo Bills are still pretty badass.  They got caught in a trap game.  I hope they are able to rebound.  They are more likable than Wheelchair Cat.

"Give me the bag bitch, or I will cut you!"

- Drew Brees and New Orleans Saints got the win on Sunday.  However, they left far too many points on the field.  In Breesus I trust, but c'mon Drew!  Let's take the bull by the horns.

"It's a metaphor... but that actually happened."

- I want to fight the Ravens.  All of them.  The Jets got absolutely drilled on Sunday night.  Unfortunately, fantasy-wise, the Jets' D was able to score more fucking points than the Jets scored actual points.  Simply disgusting.  If I lose this week, I blame the Ravens for winning one of the most gutless performances I've ever seen for a team scoring 34 points and winning.

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MSFL:

Murder Panties 153 - Your Mom 141

My previous rant was about this exact sitch.  I'm now up 12, with no one left to go.  Money Shot commenter Li'l Strut still has Josh Freeman.  I am cheering for Dwight Freeney to give Josh Freeman two charlie horses, an Indian burn, a pink belly, and dislocated knee cap during the Bucs' first possession on MNF.  The over/under on highlights from that MNF game a few years ago where Peyton Manning engineered a re-donk-u-lous comeback to defeat a John Gruden-led Bucs team is at 547.  I'm sure Chucky will have plenty of stupid things to say about that game. 

Cali Not Keepers:

Peppermill High Rollers 119 - Balls On Chin 71

After a disappointing loss last week, the High Rollers rebound to turn another team's team name against them (that's right, my balls are on their chin!)  Unless Reggie Wayne scores 49 points, I will reclaim my seat atop the league.  Seriously, I have the best team in this league.

Family and Friends:

CORE 98.68 - Razzle Dazzle 142.12

I've pretty much given up in this league.  I made some poor drafting decisions.  I need to make some trades and see if anything pans out.  Phillip Rivers can put his own balls on his chin.  To add insult to injury, I have no one left and Razzle Dazzle still has Joseph Addai.  Aaron Rodgers is scary as fuck and I don't appreciate getting dominated like that.

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Alright Josh Freeman- tank it for me.  Let your RB's take over.  Hell, score 11 points- that's cool.  But not 12.  Score 12 and you will get at least a fist wag from yours truly.  Also, a big shout out to my wife as it is our two-year anniversary.  It feels like we've been married FOREVER... in a good way!

NFL: Week 3

Ouch.  The Bears really put a damper on my day.  I can handle them getting beat by a better team.  I really can.  What I can't handle are crippling, inexcusable penalties that ruin offensive drives.  I can't handle receivers getting hit in the goddamn face and chest only to drop crucial passes.  And I REALLY can't handle a nonsensical holding penalty to bring back one of the most inventive plays I've ever seen in my life (I'm of course talking about the punt return fake out by Devin Hester that led to a touchdown by Johnny Knox.)

Much of the blame can fall on the backs of the O-Line and some goes to Jay Cutler as well.  The O-Line was porous at best and Jay Cutler should work for UPS because of all the air mail he was sending.  Also, those orange jerseys are literally the worst in all of sports.  Please stick with the classic navy home uniforms- please!!! While the Bears left me feeling hollow inside, the rest of the NFL was extremely interesting.  Let's get to a few highlights before looking at my fantasy teams. 

- The Buffalo Fucking Bills!  It doesn't even matter if the Bills lose the rest of their games.  I am willing to admit I was wrong about the Bills.  I gave blogger/commenter extraordinaire G$ a hard time for picking the Bills to go to the playoffs.  As it turns out, even he was wrong for not picking them to at least win their own division!  They are an amazing story and they are a hard team to not root for. 

Nothing says "exuberance" like balls to the face!

- The Detroit Fucking Lions!  I'm not happy that the Lions are sitting tied for the NFC North division lead at 3-0, but hey, they've been SO bad over the last... uh... infinity years that they might as well throw their fans a bone.  Matthew Stafford looks to be the real deal and their comeback against the hapless Vikings was impressive.  Don't they have a big match-up coming in a couple weeks?  I think so. 

- Michael Vick is brittle.  I've said it over and over- Michael Vick is reckless and injury prone.  I did not draft him in my fantasy leagues because a) he's a dogkiller and b) he's not going to make it through the season.  First a concussion and now a broken hand.  He is now crying in his press conferences about not getting roughing penalties calls.  Shut your mouth and play Ringleader!  I'm selling Vick stock in a major way. 

Pictured: Sad Michael Vick

- The Falcons might be bad.  This is not a good thought.  I was happy when the Bears crushed the Falcons in Week 1.  Now, it turns out that the Falcons might be horrible making the Bears win highly unimpressive.  I am not looking forward to Drew Brees' bye week in the MSFL (Week 11) as Matt Ryan is my back-up. 

Ok, Fantasy Football time.  Let's check it out.

MSFL:

Murder Panties 135 - Red Stag Warriors 124

Has anyone has Red Stag whiskey?  I assume it is horrible.  Lead by a not very attractive 32 points by Drew Breesus, 24 points by Ahmad Bradshaw, and 20 points from TE Jimmy Graham (double points!) my team moved to 2-1.  I still have Santana Moss tonight, but RSW has no one, so I am officially victorious (unless Moss grabs -11 points tonight.) 

Cali Not Keepers:

Peppermill High Rollers 100 - Boston Teabags 105

This one is a little rough.  I benched Greg Olsen (because he had been shitty) and picked up Fred Davis.  This was a misstep because Olsen played great AND the Boston Teabags decided to start Rex Grossman at QB this week.  So I am down 5 points and I have Fred Davis and Santana Moss going tonight.  Unfortunately, BT has the Sex Cannon tossing them the ball.  I literally have to root for a Sexy Rexy injury and John Beck to come and throw a TD to Davis or Moss.  I suppose I deserve this after starting Rex in the championship last year against BT.  No matter what happens this week, I still won the 'ship last year!

Family and Friends:

CORE 69.94 - White Walker 84.28

The Observer got me this week because my team tanked.  Phillip Rivers is officially the best/worst looking player in the NFL.  I have never had him on a fantasy team before, but now that I've been watching more Chargers action, I can officially say that I hate watching this team.  To double my problems, Boston Teabags had Ryan Mathews and Rivers' lack of production caused Mathews to have a huge day.  Ah, the ripple effect of fantasy football.  Gotta love it.  I have no one left in this league so the match-up is settled.  Billy Cundiff was my second leading scorer this week.  So ugly. 

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Another week in the bag.  Did you know that the San Francisco 49ers are in first place of their division?!  Crazy!  The NFC West is the worst. 

As far as tonight goes, I expect a close game.  Let's see Santa Moss grab 2 TDs and Fred Davis get 1.  'Skins over the punctured lung 21-17. 

NFL Week 1

I am so glad the NFL season has begun.  Between cheering on the Bears, Fantasy Football, and the rest of the drama that follows the NFL, it is just glad to have it back.  I spent the entire day Sunday watching the RedZone Channel, so I'll run through some of my favorite moments (good and bad) from the weekend.  I will hand out some awards as well. 

Bears 30, Falcons 12 - What a great way to kick off the season.  On Friday, I was listening to Keyshawn Johnson, Chris Mortensen, and Mike Tirico on the radio.  Mort picked the Falcons to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl.  All of them talked about how they were not high on the Bears.  They agreed that the Falcons would win on Sunday. 

Well, well, well, well... This is one great example of the media getting on a team's jock hard, while not giving respect to a solid, yet potentially unsexy, team.  The Bears' D looked great and why wouldn't they?  They willed the Bears to the NFC title game last year.  They have most of the same piece back.  I'm extremely happy to see them hold a potentially efficient Falcons' offense to 6 points.  The Bears' offense actually gave up the one Falcons touchdown in the game.  The Bears' D on Sunday was a perfect example of Lovie Smith's "bend but not break" philosophy. 

Jay Cutler looked great besides one mistake (INT returned for a TD.)  That mistake was probably more on the O-Line, but it is still unacceptable.  Ultimately, though, it was meaningless.  Matt Forte is my hero- pay that man his money! 

"Kid's got alligator blood..."

In the end, the Bears just upped the expectations on this season.  They have a tough challenge in the Saints next week- the blood is already flowing toward my genitals in excitement. 

Coach Tellian Award - In high school I was a basketball player.  I have never played a game of football in pads.  One reason for this was that our high school football program was wretched.  My senior year, the entire program went 0-30.  That's right- the Freshmen, JV, and Varsity squads went 0-10 a piece.  Ouch.  Midseason, Coach Tellian, the mastermind of this program, offered me the starting Tight End position in passing while I was walking to my next class.  What a tool. 

He literally looked like this.

This award goes to the worst coaching decision of the week:

Sean Payton - His decision to run Mark Ingram with no time remaining while down by 8 to the defending Super Bowl champs is inexcusable.  When you have one of the best QBs in the NFL, and said QB has over 400 yards passing and 3 TDs, you should put the ball in elite QB's hands rather than a rookie.  The Saints deserved to lose that game due to such a poor decision. 

Matthew Berry Award -  I admit I watch ESPN's Fantasy Football show each Sunday morning.  The Talented Mr. Roto has occasional good advice.  He also occasionally spews out the worst liquid diarrhea of fantasy tips.  This award is in honor of the poor side of Berry's advice.

Me - I benched Steve Smith (CAR) at 9:30am Sunday.  He sat active all week, and I psyched myself out and put in Ronnie Brown.  I figured Cam Newton would be inaccurate and throw mostly to his TEs, while Ronnie Brown might get some touches to steal points away from LeSean McCoy (the guy I was going against had Vick and McCoy in his lineup.)  It was a terrible gamble that lost me the week.  What I do know now is that if Arian Foster comes back healthy, my team is pretty damn good.  This makes me feel good. 

Steve Smith reminding me who scored the most points on my team... even though he was on the motherfuckin' bench.

Jim Harbaugh Award - I love that Harbaugh once ran up the score on USC while coaching at Stanford.  This prompted Pete Carroll to ask him, "What's your deal?" during the post-game handshake.  Hilarious!  Now they get to play each other twice a year! 

Jim Harbaugh!  His San Francisco 49ers took care of business against the Carroll's Seahawks.  Alex Smith showed some grit and Ted Ginn returned a punt and a kick!  If nothing else, congrats to my friends that cheer for the Niners.  This game has to give you at least a little hope. 

Munson Award - The movie "Kingpin" is hilarious.  Woody Harrelson played Roy Munson- a bowler who constantly looks like he has the world at his fingertips, only to make a bad decision or two and get the crap beat out of him (or in one case, his hand cut off!)  During the movie, people start using the saying "they really munson'ed that" to describe someone screwing up.  This team really "munson'ed" their game this week. 

The look of a champion.

Dallas Cowboys - I'm watching the game as I write this post.  The Cowboys had total control over this game.  There is no way they should have lost this game.  Tony Romo fumbled near the goal line.  They had a punt blocked for a Jets TD.  With 8 seconds left, the center snapped the ball to Romo when he was unprepared.  The Cowboys are garbage and it will be a LOOOONG season if they continue to make these type of dumb decisions.  Yikes. 

Bad News Bears Award - This award goes to the team that played the worst, but still won. 

San Diego Chargers - Wow.  I started the Chargers D in one fantasy league on the premise that they have a good defense and that their massive weakness on special teams was worked on and fixed.  A solid 12 seconds into their opening game against the Vikings and I'm convinced that Norv Turner allowed the Chargers' special teams to complete all their drills on Madden rather than on an actual field.  Despite the Chargers' best efforts to lose the game, they ended up beating Donovan McNabb's Vikings.  I'm happy with the end result, but the game was fucking awful.

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This season looks to be pret-ay, pret-ay, pretty good.  The Lions, Bills, Bengals, and Redskins should be awfully proud of themselves.  All of those teams came up with big wins that will help excite their fan-bases.  It is just great to have football back. 

It's Just Preseason... It's Just Preseason...

I have to remind myself of that fact over and over after last night's 41-13 drubbing the NY Giants put on the Chicago Bears.  I got home from work already having missed part of the game, then debated skipping the gym to watch the Bears.  The first play I saw was Jay Cutler hit Devin Hester on a nice long pass down the sideline.  The next play was a screen pass to Matt Forte who ran for 40+ yards.  Finally, I watched in horror as the Bears stalled and were forced to kick a field goal knotting the game at 3-3.  After this drive, I decided to go to the gym and not worry about the rest of the game.  I had seen a few very positive plays, but was disappointed at the lack of finishing. 

Of course, upon leaving the gym I threw on the AM radio and found that the Bears had been destroyed by Eli Manning and his butt-buddies.  I'm not sure how to feel about all of that.  In general, Jay Cutler looked OK from what I saw, and I can't imagine they played many of the starters in the second half.  Also, the Giants lost Terrell Thomas to a torn ACL, so at least the Bears didn't suffer a significant injury like that.  Last but not least, the Bears went 0-4 last year in the preseason and looked dreadful.  However, during the year they won the NFC North and advanced to the NFC Championship Game. 

Yes, Jay.  I know the feeling.

Do I expect the Bears to be as good as they were last year?  I don't think I do.  I am really not sure what to expect.  I do know their division should be more difficult and their schedule is fairly tough.  I also know they play one game in London.  I've seen terrible teams go 4-0 in preseason only to not win 4 games during the regular season, so it is hard to put stock into meaningless games.  It is nice to see the team you cheer for do well, though...

Here is my hope- that the Bears getting their ass kicked last night provides them with the proper motivation to get better.  I'm not sure why professional athletes need tangible let downs for extra motivation, but I suppose it works that way in the "real world" as well.  If you make a mistake big enough for your boss to get on your case, you'll put in that extra effort to prove that you are not as bad as the current status of the Bears' offensive line. 

The moral of this post is two-fold.  1) I cannot put too much stock into the preseason results.  If the Bears had won 41-13, that would have been cool, but it would not mean they were automatically Super Bowl bound.  Since they lost in a landslide, I cannot condemn them to drafting Andrew Luck, either (though... that's awfully tempting...)

2) I'm extremely glad I went to the gym instead of watching the entirety of the second game of the preseason.  It was a better decision than watching the Bears get their dicks stomped in a meaningless game.  I win! 

I may end up looking like the other Jay Cutler.

Last but not least, what is up with the Bay Area/California fans these days?  Bryan Stow is still in the hospital from the beating he took at Dodger Stadium, and now fools are getting shot at The Stick?  Guess who is not going to the O.Co Coliseum when the Bears visit the Raiders this year?  This fucking guy.  I'll watch the game on TV... wait- what's that?  The game will be Silver-And-Blacked out?  Fucking hell.  The Raiders are like a deadly virus that spreads making everything worse. 

"We've got to find that monkey!"

Terrell Pryor will fit right in down in Oakland. 

It's Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...

Oh, NFL... how I've missed you. While September does bring back the school year and add quite a bit of work to my 8-5 life, Sundays are the sanctuary that get me through the chilling Northern California winter (high 40s/low 50s- BRRRRRRRRRR!)

Just a normal December day in CA.

It is odd that I played basketball, have always loved baseball, but may enjoy watching NFL football the most out of all the sports.  What can I say?  The league knows what it is doing and runs quite the savvy business.  Hell, even when the Bears are out of it, I'm VERY interested.  Can I say the same for baseball when the Cubs are out of the race?  Given this year as a great example, I cannot say my interest is very strong.  If baseball had a lockout today, I probably wouldn't miss it until February- after the Super Bowl. 

What are some issues I'm most looking forward to seeing this NFL season?  Well, I'll tell you:

- Tim Tebow's situation - Kyle Orton will always hold a special place in my heart for going 9-3 for the Bears in 2001 and then letting Sexy Rexy take over and lose in the playoffs.  And while I think it is obvious that Orton is the better QB on the Broncos' roster, Tim Tebow logically should start for the Denver Elways.  Find out what kind of a QB they have in Tebow.  Upping Tebow's playing time will help draw attendance.  And in the end, what is the difference between 2-14 with Tebow and 5-11 with Orton?  Maybe the #1 draft pick?

- Which team will be bad enough to draft Andrew Luck? - I don't remember hype like this for a #1 draft pick since Reggie Bush (who was drafted second!!!)  I know people who cheer for the Niners, Redskins, and Broncos who have all mentioned they want that #1 pick.  Tank a season for a virtual guarantee of 10 years of quality at the QB position?  Sure, why not?  I'm sure there are other teams, even ones that just drafted a QB that will take Luck with no hesitation if they fall to the worst record in the league.  The Lions, Vikings, Titans, Jags, and Bengals all stand a chance to grab that #1 pick and press their Luck. 

"No whammy, no whammy... STOP!  Ah shit!  The Bengals!"

- Jay Cutler's reaction to criticism - No player has ever been called out in such a public fashion as Cutler was for not playing most of the 2nd Half of the NFC Championship game.  The social media age has made it all too easy for players to talk shit about one another and give media cycles an unlimited buffet of fodder.  Jay has worked hard in the offseason to get in great shape and work on his footwork.  Hell, maybe he even matured a little through the NFC Championship debacle (doubtful.)  Year 3 with the Bears will be interesting, that is certain. 

Work hard.  Play hard.

- Jim Harbaugh coaches in SF - The guy was a former NFL QB.  Then coached at San Diego University and led them to an undefeated season.  He earned the job at Stanford and took them to an Orange Bowl victory.  What can this guy do in the NFL?  I think we are all curious, especially with the Niners owning a roster that does not look strong on paper.  I think Harbaugh's influence could gain them an extra 3 wins from what this roster could do otherwise.  Prediction- 5-11 and just missing the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. 

- Sexy Rexy - Almost every bullet point has to do with Ex-Bear or current Bear QBs!  It is hilarious how bias I am!  Rex Grossman declared that the Redskins will "win the NFC East."  When you are done laughing (again), come back and join me...

... I'll wait...

Are you back?  Ok.  I love the enthusiasm by the Sex Cannon, but let's keep it real.  The 'Skins don't have a great shot at winning the division this year.  The Eagles are loaded, the Giants are solid, and the Cowboys are nuisances.  If they pull to 6-10, they should have a post-season party where everyone gets pizza and trophies.  Asking Grossman how the season is going to shake out is a dumb question- what is he going to say?  That the 'Skins are sinking like the Titanic and everyone is going down with the ship?  Of course not.  He has no right answer, so he aimed high and it was hilarious. 

Don't worry D.C.- you're in good hands!

So apparently I'm interested in Bears QBs, and that is it.  Truth be told, there are plenty of other interesting story lines.  I'm sure if one wanted to look for them, they could be found in tonight's Charges vs. Seahawks match-up.  I'll leave that for Jaws or Gruden to screw up.  Right now, I'm just happy football is back.

Misplaced NFL Players

Doesn't it feel like there are certain NFL players who don't really fit with the team they are on?  If you could rearrange rosters, are there any players you feel would be better fits on other teams?  I'm sure there are.  Short of putting all the best players on your favorite team, which players would be better matched on other rosters?  I came up with a few jackholes that would be able to be themselves on other teams:

5. Albert Haynesworth - Wait a tick!  You mean this guy was not a good/great fit on the Redskins?!  He has a bad attitude, he's over paid, and he spikes Cowboys in the face with his cleat?!?

Cleats go with Cowboy face like peanut butter and jelly.

This makes no sense.  Daniel Snyder loves players of Haynesworth's ilk.  In no way should he be going to Belichick's Holyland.  He had already found his true fit as a member of the Washington Redskins.  Him leaving D.C. is tragic. 

4. Michael Vick - Do you really think Ron Mexico is all that remorseful?  He gets out of prison and immediately gets to sit behind Donovan McNabb in a quarterback-friendly system.  After usurping McNabb and Kevin Kolb a year later, Vick is back to being a smarter version of his former exciting self, albeit in an even more dynamic system with great coaches and a great roster.  You know what I want to see- Vick on the Cleveland Browns.  I want this for two reasons.  A) Their fans represent "the dog pound" which would be hilarious and create many dog fighting jokes.

Now here are some dogs that should be put in a fighting ring.

B) If you want someone to learn from their mistakes, put them on the Cleveland Browns.  Vick may even believe that he was better off in prison!  This would be fair and just penance. 

3. Aaron Rodgers - Get this man out of the NFC North!!!  Remember back in 2005 when the San Francisco 49ers drafted Alex Smith #1 overall?  That's right folks- the 49ers opted for a San Diego kid that played college ball in Utah instead of a Norther California born QB from Chico who played right across the Bay Bridge at Cal and had natural QB instincts rather than being a product of Urban Meyer's system.  Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.  I literally think they took a peek at Kyle Boller and said, "Well, he went to Cal also and didn't really work for the Ravens, so obviously we cannot take Aaron Rodger- a completely different player who came up in the clutch and beat USC."  Yikes.  The Niners' brass has not had a great decade.  Rodgers belongs with the Niners if for no other reason than I do not enjoy the Bears playing against him twice (three times?!) a year. 

Drink in another year of Alex Smith, Niner fans.

2. Cedric Benson - Ced Benson should not be on the Bears, Bengals, or any other goddamn NFL team (though he's a great fit on the Bengals with his record of arrests.)  So where does he belong?

Right fucking here

That's right.  He belongs in prison playing for the convicts from "The Longest Yard."  At least Michael Vick actually went to prison already and paid for his crimes.  Benson keeps getting arrested and he keeps getting out of jail time.  The system is enabling this guy to never learn a lesson- i.e. it protects his butthole.  Someone needs to teach Benson a lesson by finally catching him with weight- cl-clank-clank!

1. James Harrison - This guy is famous for late hits, roughing quarterbacks, and calling Roger Goodell "the devil."  Does this guy really sound like a Pittsburgh Steeler at heart?  Sure, he plays a part in their stout defense, but I know another place where James Harrison would fit right in...

Raider Nation.

It's not even close.  James Harrison should be a Raider.  Al Davis and Co. would have his back each time he did or said anything idiotic.  Fans would revel in Harrison's cheap shots and it would set up a beautiful ecosystem of enabling.  This scenario would turn James Harrison's Sherdder into Raider James Harrison's Super-Shredder!

Played by Kevin Nash!

So there they are.  The mismatched players that would be better served on new rosters.  Bring your own to the table in the comments.

NFL Highs and Lows

Today might be a bunch a rambling, but I'm going to pick some NFL guys who I expect to excel this year and some I people are overrated going into the season.  I'll just pick at random and you can add your picks in the comments.  Alright, let's do this.

Overrated: Josh Freeman

Can me a skeptic (because I am), but I think young Josh Freeman overachieved last year.  Everyone seems to be quite high on him, and after last year, I suppose they should be.  But look at it.  Legarrette "I Will Punch You In The Face" Blount had an unexpectedly positive season as a rookie free agent and the Bucs' best receiver is a dude that has off field problems and could get suspended any minute (Mike Williams.)  On top of that, the Bucs play in a challenging division and should have a more difficult schedule this year. Let's just say I'm not looking to add Josh Freeman to my fantasy roster as I believe he will regress this year.

Underrated: Donovan McNabb

I can't believe I just wrote that.  As much as I'm hoping McNabb stubs his toe in Minnesota, I just have a bad feeling he'll be pretty productive under center in the Metrodome (does anyone know if the roof is fixed?  No chance I'd go to a game there!)  With a savage running game, the pressure should be off McNabb and he will be free to take chances down the field- Brett Favre style.  I'm hoping that productive statistics do not lead to wins in the case of the Vikings, but I have a feeling he'll be pretty decent this year.

Either that, or he'll get run out of town... again.

Overrated: Kevin Kolb

Wow Arizona, that was some big money to give to a guy who barely scraped by with a win against division rival San Francisco last year.  And guess what?  Your roster is worse than the Eagles' roster last year.  Arizona will be better for having Kolb since their best alternative was John Skeletor (Skelton- but Skeletor would be so much cooler), but they will still suck.  Speaking of the NFC West...

Underrated: Steven Jackson

Fantasy geeks have been waiting for the Rams' RB to step up in a major way.  If he's going to take his game to the next level, it must be done this year.  Shockingly, Jackson is actually starting to go toward the back-side of his career (it feels like just yesterday he was drafted) and he should be ready to peak this year.  Sam Bradford has one year under his belt and presents a balanced attack for opposing defenses to deal with.  I feel that Jackson should have a stand out year, if healthy. 

Steven Jackson playing against the Seahawks in 2010.

Overrated: Chad Ochocinco

For those of you expecting 2007 Randy Moss numbers from Ocho- just stop it.  I know we, as humans and football fans, love to come up with trends, predictions, and false prophecies, but Ochocinco is no Randy Moss.  Sure, he's funny and entertaining, but that doesn't mean he's as good as a Hall of Fame WR when combined with this generation's greatest QB in the prime of his career.  Ochocinco is a great addition for the Pats, but just temper your enthusiasm if you think he's about to have the greatest statistical year of any WR ever.  It ain't happenin'. 

Underrated: Jay Cutler

Oh yes- I went there.  I know this is coming from a guy who bleeds GSH orange, but I think Cutler is going to have a good year.  It is all dependent on the Bears' O-Line, but Cutler came into camp in great shape and has been working on his piss-poor footwork from last year.  He knows the Martz offensive scheme now and is ready to gun it.  Similar to my comment on the Rams, the Bears should have a good balance of passing and running to keep opposing defenses honest.  I'm not certain that the Bears make it back to the NFC Championship Game (in fact, it is probably impossible), but statistically, Cutler should have a very good year. 

"♪♫ I'm all outta love, I'm so lost without you... ♪♫"

Overrated: The Cowboys

Uh, because they are.  The Eagles and Giants are still better than the 'Boys.  I could even see the Redskins stealing a game from them.  Tony Romo already got the only ring he's going to get in this career this off-season (a wedding ring.)  It is possible that the coaching change to Jason Garrett helps them slightly- but it is also possible that it blows up in their face.  I'm not high on the Cowboys this year.

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I'll have some divisional predictions in the next few weeks.  Until then, am I wrong on these?  Who are your picks for over or under rated?

Thursday Hodge Podge

I'm not sure I have anything all that interesting to talk about today. I'm going to see the Damnwells tonight in San Francisco, so that will no doubt be fun. Other than that, I'm just keeping tabs on NFL player movement. My wish of Sidney Rice on the Bears has been dashed by his signing with the Seattle Seahawks. That's cool- I'm sure he and Tavaris Jackson will continue their same offensive dominance on the West Coast. Great choice, deek.

Sidney Rice will look good in a Seahawks uniform.

And what's this? The Cubs are trading Fukudome to the Indians? Finally, they are able to unload one player. Unfortunate that they still have to pay $3.9 million of his remaining salary. Yikes. The Cubs are as good at business as their team is at baseball. Hopefully they get some decent prospects in return. Hopefully...

Carlos Beltran landed with the Giants before the trade deadline. One can't help but think that the Giants would be poised for a repeat if they also had Buster Posey. Instead, they have catchers that drop infield pop-ups and bat .180. I suppose you could also argue that the Giants may not have made the trade for Beltran had Posey still been healthy. I guess we'll never know. It is a good pick up for them and could really help them in the playoffs. Getting in is a certainty at this point as I don't think any other NL West team has the juice to compete with the Giants.

Where was this move in May?!

Albert Haynesworth to the Patriots!? Wha-what?! C'mon Hoodie! You are getting awfully cocky with your "I can make any player into a team-player" attitude. It is amazing that getting rid of such a good player will help the Redskins, and I'm not certain his acquisition will help New England in the long run. Once again, we'll find out. Damn, the NFL will be interesting this year!

Like I mentioned, I don't have much on to talk about today. I'm waiting for Haynesworth to cleat Tom Brady in the face during a Pats practice... then I'll have a lot to talk about.

NFL Is Back... It's Back!

The most dominant professional sports league in the US (possibly the world?- someone do some research and get back to me!) is back in business.  I've tried my very best to tune out football news these last few months because most of it revolved around the Lockout, which is dumb.  Like I give a flying fuck about the owners and players participating in a game of wits involving a CBA and iocaine powder. 

"Inconceivable!"

So now that the off-field nonsense is over, we can get back down to real business.  What in holy hell are the Bears going to do to get back to the playoffs?!  I know the Packers were a better team last year, but when your team gets to the NFC Championship game, you tend to get a little greedy... well, at least I do! 

Here are some smart moves the Bears can start with:

Offensive Line - I don't care who the actual names are, just get Jay Cutler some help.  Call him a pussy, he was certainly tough enough to last most of the season behind an offensive line that were less like a wall and more like a group of matadors.

B.J. Raji pictured getting through the Bears' O-Line.

Obviously, this has to be fixed immediately.  I can't help but think this would not only help Jay Cutler become a more effective QB, but it would also help Matt Forte immensely.  Forte is a dynamic back that has yet to put two great seasons together back-to-back.  He could do it this year if the O-Line is improved. 

Do not sleep on the Defense:

Just because the Bears' D was good last year, does not mean they will automatically be good this year.  Of course, Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs, and Julius Peppers are back, but the Bears have quite a few unrestricted free agents that need to be re-signed or replaced.  I'm also interested to see Stephen Paea debut with the Bears.  He set the World Record of benching 225 lbs. 49 times at the combine and while this means nothing on the actual football field, it's still impressive and means he can probably move around some opponents' Offensive Linemen.  I'm not sure of the exact moves that need to be made, but the Bears must continue to back up their reputation as a hard-nosed Defensive team. 

Wide Receivers, pretty please:

My pick for the Bears is Sidney Rice.  The Vikings stole Bernard Berrian away from the Bears a few years ago and it's about time we return the favor by stealing one of theirs.  Rice is a big, strong receiver that can help Cutler by wrestling away potential INTs from opposing Defensive Backs or just reaching balls that smaller receivers could not.  If not Rice, then it would make sense to explore Plaxico Burris (maybe not a possibility for the Bears) or Santanio Holmes (also, probably a long shot.)  Do NOT get enticed by Randy Moss or T.O.  They are past their prime and will NOT mesh well with Cutler.  That scenario would go about as well as a dinner party where Larry David is invited. 

Even Larry David knows Moss or T.O. would be train wrecks.

Apparently the Bears have also gotten rid of Brad Maynard.  This is a horrible decision and I'd like to be the first Bear fan to say that this move will come back to them at some point during the season.  The Bears have been spoiled by Brad Maynard's magnificent punting- especially with to the Bears' ability to go three-and-out so often.  Find another good punter ASAP, fellas. 

That's really it.  I'm still grasping all the moves that need to be made, but that should give a solid base for what the Bears need.  How about your team?  If you're a Niner fan, you may need the team to go 1-15 in order to ensure acquiring Andrew Luck.  What say you? 

I'm just excited that NFL is back.

Football Is Back... Almost

Hilariously, I unleash the most hatred on my beloved Chicago Cubs last Thursday and they manage to scrape together their first 3-game win steak of the season over the weekend.  They still aren't good.  Trying winning 20 in a row and maybe they'll make "Moneyball 2: The Jim Hendry Story."  That would be about as good as the movie that Vince pitched the his buddies on the premier episode of "Entourage" last night.  What a terrible episode, right?  If I wanted to see dysfunctional relationships with no drinking or partying, I'd watch home videos of my parents circa 2002.  Things better pick up, HBO.  But I digress...

I had a few shows this weekend, but those occurred with little or no incident.  There was some Mexican with a long braided ponytail that told me to "play cooler songs" but since I wanted him to "have a cooler haircut" I didn't end up paying much attention to him.  Instead, let's briefly mention a few stories from the sporting world that I'm less than educated on, but still want to rant anyway. 

Ohio State looks like they may get off with little or no NCAA sanctions.  I rarely bring up the Buckeyes because the subject of College Football is simply out of my wheelhouse.  There are probably intricacies from both stories, but as a casual observer, I have a hard time figuring out how USC got raked over the coals while OSU escapes with what amounts to be a ruler slap on the wrist by a Catholic school nun. 

USC got in trouble and Pete Carroll resigned.  OSU got in trouble and Jim Tressel resigned.  Call it a push.

Thanks to cheating and bad reffing, JT's tenure was not a complete waste.

USC's majority of rule breaking came through Reggie Bush.  To my understanding, OSU's rule breaking was mostly due to Terrell Pryor, but also due to multiple issues with other players getting improper tattoo and car benefits.  If nothing else, Pryor left school and now may not be eligible for the NFL's supplemental draft.  This seems like a poor chance to take and that if there was less wrong-doing, Pryor would have elected to stay at OSU.  Reggie Bush was on the way out to the NFL because he was the best damn player in College Football.  Pryor left because he broke too many rules to allow further investigation.  Seems like OSU could be more in the wrong there. 

I know there are probably hundreds or thousands of pages of documents that I'm not willing to read to fully understand both cases.  Why?  Because I honestly am not invested in College Football at all.  I have no loyalty to any major College Football program.  If there is a dirty program out there who wants to pay me to become a fan, I would definitely listen.  I now only use College Football as a time passing distraction on Saturdays to get to NFL Sundays.  Speaking of which...

It looks like the NFL Lockout is over.  I give the Lockout an D- because it dominated ESPN and other sports media outlets needlessly.  Last Thursday was the final straw for me.  When the owners tried to pull a fast one and get everyone on board with their agreement and turn fans against the players for not approving it immediately.  Guess what?  Fans are not on either side.  They are on the side of getting a deal done. 

The only reason I give the Lockout as a whole a D- and not an F, was because it also kept Brett Favre's name out of the news.  Of course, now that the Lockout is almost over, rumors have surfaced of Favre returning to football and playing for the Eagles.  Awesome.  The Bears play the Eagles this year, so maybe we can get Corey Wootton vs. Favre Round 2. 

Yes, please.

Someone almost needs to order a hit on Favre to make sure he doesn't resurface.  What are the actors from "The Sopranos" doing?  They don't seem all that busy these days.  Maybe they could help and give themselves some street cred at the same time.  

I'm anxious to get on with the NFL season.  I'm slightly disappointed that the Hall Of Fame Game was canceled because this was the one year that the Bears were actually involved, but it probably doesn't matter.  One series by the starters and a virtual two hand touch game afterwards is not a huge loss. 


There's my football rant for the weekend.  It's too bad that there can't be a College Football Lockout.  I might enjoy that much more than an NFL Lockout.  It would probably just consist of players from USC, OSU, and the SEC holding out for more merchandise to sell off in their free time. 

The Dirty 30

So today's the day.  I'm finally in my 30's.  I'm not sure if I feared this day or not.  Probably not.  I think there was a time where I felt like this was old, but I really don't feel that way anymore.  I would like to get my ass in gear and find an actual career path that leads to growth and more money, but everything else is pretty damn great.  There's not too much I actually want for my birthday (plus my friends and family have done a great job with gifts this year) but here are some other things I would definitely like on the 30th anniversary of my birth:

1) NFL LABOR AGREEMENT - Sign it!!!  I want the lockout ended so we all can be sure that we'll be able to spend Sundays watching NFL Red Zone and betting on the Detroit Lions to cover.  Not to mention how terrible it would be if Fantasy Football was affected.  This cannot happen.  For my birthday, I want NFL labor peace.  Make this happen. 

2) Transformers 3 - It is nice that Summer blockbuster movies have a tendency to release around my birthday.  Regardless of the quality of the plot in the Transformers movies (not great), these movies do offer phenomenal special effects and a level of nostalgia that is unmatched for me, personally.  I grew up a huge Transformers fan and I will continue to be one until I die- much like my love for the Cubs.

(I have tickets for tomorrow at 8:45pm- let's do this.) 

3) Speaking of the Cubs... Let's get them a win against the San Francisco Giants today!  After losing both games in their double header yesterday, the Cubs may have reached a low point in their season.  Give me a ray of happiness on my actual birthday and then you can go back to competing with the Astros for next year's #1 draft pick. 

4) Adele - I would prefer to not hear "Rolling In The Deep" once today.  I've stated before that it is a great song, but it is SO overplayed that I'm sick of it and never want to hear it again.  I know that's impossible, so how about just for today, give it a rest.

Fuck- it was already on the radio this morning.

5) Stone Temple Pilots, July 8, at the Peppermill Reno -  I'm officially going.  They better bring it with some "Army Ants," "Piece of Pie," and "Meatplow."  It's going to be fucking awesome. 

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And that's pretty much it.  Not too much to ask for right?  If you're already 30, feel free to leave me advice on which arthritis creams work the best or what type of fiber products you eat to keep yourself regular.  I need all the advice I can get.