Friday Rant

Wow- I have been distracted by Fantasy Football this week!  It is funny to think about how many times I'd ever been to HoustonTexans.com before I drafted Arian Foster in two leagues (0), vs. how many times I've been there now (how do I make the infinity sign with my keyboard?)  Needless to say, I am concerned.  However, I'm thinking he will be ok in the end.  If he misses a week or two, I can weather the storm... no longer than that though!

It is sad to say, but Fantasy Football has been my reality this week so I'm not sure what else I have to talk about.  The only cure for this writer's block is a horrible bulleted list.

- Carlos Zambrano will start getting paid again on September 11.  Coincidence?  I think not.  However, he will not pitch again for the Cubs this season.  And really, what would be the point in letting him?  Maybe he gets closer to earning contract bonuses or worse- activating an extra year built into his contract?  Yeah- there is no way the Cubs should allow his fat fucking lard ass to touch the dirt at Wrigley Field again (well, unless he's a member of the Astros or something.)  Continuing to cheer on Zambrano would be ignorant and I will not participate any longer.  I gave him more than a fair shot to win me over and he has failed epically.

Poor Big Z, he only gets $19 million a year to pitch on a bad team.

- Lance Briggs has "demanded that the Bears trade" him.  Wow.  Haven't we seen this move before?  Didn't he say he would "never play for the Bears again" back in 2007?  My boy from Sacramento is making it harder to cheer for him as well.  If you are unhappy about the fact the Bears were nice enough to front-load your contract, then 1) you shouldn't have agreed to it and 2) you should've brought this up to the team the SECOND the lockout ended.  You will find no sympathy here, Lance.  Matt Forte has beef- he was going to get paid less than $1 million to be the feature back on a team that just went to the NFC Championship game.  You have already made millions, agreed to a 6 year deal, and are trying to create leverage when you have none.  Don't do it... you might join Ced Benson on the Bungles.

"Two snaps in Z formation." -- Men On Football, In Living Color

- Colin Cowherd is a moron.  Why in the world do I listen to this guy, ever?  It is probably because I don't have internet radio in my car and cannot continue to listen to Waddle and Silvy on ESPN 1000 in Chicago while I drive to work.  This guy claimed that all the East Coast teams are good because crazy fans demand it.  He generalized across all sports and even though, time after time, he tells people to be rational, he encouraged fans to be crazy lunatics because owners and GM's will hear them on sports talk radio and improve the team.  Sure...

1) The San Francisco Giants just won the World Series.  They followed that up by going out and getting the best offensive acquisition they could find (Carlos Beltran) and they still can't score runs to save their lives (just like last year.)  I have never heard more venom on sports talk radio than I hear about the current state of the Giants.  PS- you just won a World Series.  Chill out.  I don't think people irrationally complaining has helped the Giants, nor do I think they try harder just because fans complain.  Brandon Belt would've come up earlier if that was the case.

2) The San Francisco 49ers were the dominant team in the 80s.  People out here are nuts about the Niners.  They are dying inside that the Niners continue to suck.  The franchise was healthy when they had an innovative head coach (Bill Walsh), followed him with competent coach (Seifert and Mooch) and guess what?  Putting Dennis Erickson in as head coach cripple the organization into making a series of bad coaching hires.  Do crazy fans have anything to do with this?  No.

3) If crazy fans helped teams on the East Coast, the Buffalo Bills would be good.

My point is that Cowherd is an idiot (you knew that) and that geographic quality of franchises have less to do with crazy fans, and more to do with good organizational infrastructure.  Sure, fans buying merchandise and tickets help keep teams healthy financially, but there is no coordination between passionate (read as: crazy) fans and success.  If that were the case, the Cubs would've won a World Series years ago. 

So there is my Friday rant.  Have a great Labor Day and I'll see you back here on Tuesday.

The Cubs Ruining Everyone's Fun

First, let's start with this pretty hilarious video from Miles Fisher. It combines "Saved By The Bell" with "Final Destination" and has Champ from "Anchorman" playing the part of Mr. Belding. I'm not sure you can get much better... well, maybe if the song was better:



Now for my weekly complaint with the Chicago Cubs. I am long past the point where I give a shit about the Cubs and plan to not watch another game for the rest of the season. This is horrible as I invested in MLB.TV at the beginning of the season. This service is now going to waste because of how terrible my team is. You might say, "Prime, the Cubs have won 5 real, actual games in a row- what is your problem this week?" To which I would reply with the following:

The Cubs are fucking con-artists. They've used their play this week to prank two separate groups of people this week.

Group #1 - The Pittsburgh Pirates

I'm not going to grab the research, but trust me when I say the Pirates have DOMINATED the Cubs the past two or three years. Earlier this year (May), the Pirates put a few nails in the Cubs' season's coffin. Last year, I believe the Cubs lost something like 17 of 20 games to the Buccos. It has been a virtual certainty that when the Pirates come to town, the Cubs should (and do) run and hide like little bitches.  However, this seems to have been a long con where the Cubs have bided their time to get the Pirates at the most painful of times...

This guy also knows a thing or two about long cons.

Well, now that the Pirates and their fans had a possibility of making a playoff run for the first time in 17 or so years, the Cubs go into their house and play spoiler. Classic Cubs. They are about ruining fun for everyone. Their priority is to ruin the fun for their own fanbase first (which I am a part of despite the rage I have understandably unleashed recently) but then they will victimize other hapless fanbases just for fun. When the pressure is off, they will come in and dominate a team on the verge of defeating their own futility.

Remember last year when Mike Quade rearranged his rotation to take on the San Diego Padres? It was a clutch move that helped the San Francisco Giants take the NL West (this is why Quade was on the All-Star team coaching staff this year- it was Bruce Bochy saying, "Thank you.") I'm sure my friends who are Giants fans are very thankful for that move, but San Diego Padres fans are some of the most beaten down of all time. If you think 100+ years without a World Series is bad, try having your steak at infinity. I'm surprised the 1984 NLCS didn't cause the apocalypse.

Many experts predicted this scenario just after the '84 NLCS.

So back the Pirates, the Cubs just swept them in a 4 game series in Pittsburgh to essentially ruin any chance of a black and yellow playoff appearance. Like I said, the Cubs are a dangerous team without pressure, and they will ruin the fun of other fanbases.

Except for the Cardinals... the Cardinals are impervious the Cubs curses. In fact, the Cubs beating up on the Pirates helped the Cards. This proves my point.

Impervious to Cubs curses, but not DUIs.

#2 Cub Fans

I know why Harry Caray drank gallons of Budweiser while announcing Cub games. It was the only way to deal with the managerial decisions, player errors, and front office miscalculations that the Cubs bring to the table. This is also why typical collective bleacher blood/alcohol level at Wrigley Field is 8002.53. How else can Cub fans cope with the product that are given on the field?

They didn't even try to hide Harry's love of booze.

The Cubs love to get themselves out of contention, then beat up on a good team just to show fans what could have been. I for one, am not buying this any longer. If the Cubs are going to tank, they should tank so hard that they are forced to sell at the trade deadline and receive a high draft pick. They should HAVE to shake up the front office, the manager, and the players. This "we'll do enough to save everyone's jobs" thing is getting to as old as George Burns. And yes, I'm aware that George Burns died in 1996. That's the point. This act is dead.

You're using the wrong finger, George.

It is sick that I am, ultimately, proud to be a Cub fan. Like I've stated before, I'll never not be a Cub fan. I "bleed Cubbie blue and red" like so many of us Cub fans. I'm also not a negative person and don't particularly like it when Cub fans get so crazy that they complain needlessly (as they have in other years instead of appreciating exactly how good the team actually was.) However, I've reached the end with this regime. The Ricketts family needs to clean house immediately. Find someone else. I don't care who it is. How about the Blue Jays' young GM? What about Billy Beane? Give that guy a decent payroll and see what he can do with it. A's fans are sick of him anyway. I hear Pat Gillick is a possibility. Do whatever you can to find a replacement for Jim Hendry yesterday. This current regime has run its course and needs a culture change immediately.

And stop giving every signed player a no trade clause!!!

Thursday Hodge Podge

I'm not sure I have anything all that interesting to talk about today. I'm going to see the Damnwells tonight in San Francisco, so that will no doubt be fun. Other than that, I'm just keeping tabs on NFL player movement. My wish of Sidney Rice on the Bears has been dashed by his signing with the Seattle Seahawks. That's cool- I'm sure he and Tavaris Jackson will continue their same offensive dominance on the West Coast. Great choice, deek.

Sidney Rice will look good in a Seahawks uniform.

And what's this? The Cubs are trading Fukudome to the Indians? Finally, they are able to unload one player. Unfortunate that they still have to pay $3.9 million of his remaining salary. Yikes. The Cubs are as good at business as their team is at baseball. Hopefully they get some decent prospects in return. Hopefully...

Carlos Beltran landed with the Giants before the trade deadline. One can't help but think that the Giants would be poised for a repeat if they also had Buster Posey. Instead, they have catchers that drop infield pop-ups and bat .180. I suppose you could also argue that the Giants may not have made the trade for Beltran had Posey still been healthy. I guess we'll never know. It is a good pick up for them and could really help them in the playoffs. Getting in is a certainty at this point as I don't think any other NL West team has the juice to compete with the Giants.

Where was this move in May?!

Albert Haynesworth to the Patriots!? Wha-what?! C'mon Hoodie! You are getting awfully cocky with your "I can make any player into a team-player" attitude. It is amazing that getting rid of such a good player will help the Redskins, and I'm not certain his acquisition will help New England in the long run. Once again, we'll find out. Damn, the NFL will be interesting this year!

Like I mentioned, I don't have much on to talk about today. I'm waiting for Haynesworth to cleat Tom Brady in the face during a Pats practice... then I'll have a lot to talk about.

Duh Cubs!

I'm not in a good mood today.  This will not be pretty.  My team has finally broken me.  Like a scorned lover that's been cheated on over and over and over and over again, I am DONE with the Cubs this year.  This process has been building steadily since the beginning of the year, but yesterday it hit me like Chris Brown.  I hate pretty much every player on the Cubs.  Seriously.  Not one of these guys owns a warm place in my heart.  Starlin Castro might be the closest.  While under no circumstances should the Cubs trade him, he hasn't won me over because he's a work in progress (remember when he made an error in the 9th inning of the All-Star game and almost let the AL back in the game?  Yeah?  He does that ALL the time as a member of the Cubs.) 

I know I've had rants like this in the past, but this is on another level.  I can't remember being as depressed about my baseball team as I am today.  I remember in 2002, the Cubs were awful, but I watched regularly to see a young Mark Prior and/or Kerry Wood pitch.  The team was awful, but exciting.  One could tell that they were building towards something.  Sure enough, they found themselves in the NLCS the following year in what was the most interesting Cubs season of my entire life (sad, isn't it?)  This year, I am mildly excited about Starlin Castro (and Darwin Barney to a much lesser extent) but there is no evidence indicating to me that Castro's defensive woes will ever go away.  Hitting .300 is sweet, but playing good/great defense is necessary as well at the Shortstop position. 

Once, again, allow me to cleanse my soul and likely repeat myself by calling out individuals on the Cubs. 

Mike Quade - Just awful.  Just thinking about his stupid, dumb head makes me want to throw my computer across the room.  It is my belief that Quade succeeded last year because the Cubs needed a friendlier manager after Lou Pinella retired.  Pinella's stress must have boiled over into the locker room and everyone was playing tight.  Quade helped alleviate the tightness last year and the players played better.  Playing loose is much easier when nothing is on the line.  Quade consistently demonstrates why he was stuck in the minors as a coach for years and years and years... he's just not that smart. 

Pictured: Mike Quade

I hate Tony LaRussa, but the dude is smart.  Even Dusty Baker looks like a genius in comparison.  I have no faith in Quade's decision making or his rationale afterwards.  He's also a sucker for veterans while he uses the young'uns as scapegoats.  At this point, Quade needs to stop sucking the veterans cocks and bench anyone who says they will refuse a trade.  Speaking of which...

Aramis Ramirez - Hey look everyone!  Aramis is playing the best he's played since 2008!  One would think he would want to help a contender and the Cubs could cash in on the value.  Oh wait- they can't because Ramirez has stated he will veto any trade.  Awesome.  I understand that he's "earned that right" and that it would be "too hard to move his family."  But guess what?  You are a MILLIONAIRE.  A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE.  It's hard to move a family when you make $30,000 a year and have 4 kids that you can't afford.  It's easy to find comfort for your family when you have tens of millions of dollars. 

Now here are some people who would have difficulty moving their families.

The easy solution?  Don't move them.  You're a baseball player.  You go on road trips- you can't be with your family most of the season anyway.  When October rolls around and you become a free agent, you will likely have to move.  Go attempt to help a contender in the meantime.  You'll find little sympathy from fans who wish they were good enough to play a game for their job.  Instead, we get to put cover letters on TPS reports and get called in on Saturday to work.  Stop being a crybaby bitch, Error-Mis! 

Jim Hendry - Why on Earth are all these veterans actively stating they won't accept a trade (we could start with why do all of these veterans have no-trade clauses, but I'm sure we've talked about that in the past)?  Has the Cubs organization become so soft that no one wants to leave?  They protect players from the criticism of rabid and irrational fans and Chicago media.  They only criticize the younger players in the organization when there is plenty of blame to be shouldered by the overpaid veterans.  It starts at the top and I'm hoping for a "Game Of Thrones" resolution to the Cubs' GM problem ASAP.  Ok, maybe that was harsh- Hendry doesn't need to get his head cut off, but is castration an out of line request?

Tom Ricketts pictured in the crown. Jim Hendry kneeling on the right.

Ryan Dempster - It's the goofy, fun guy of the clubhouse!  He's the guy who stuck up for Mike Quade during the hiring process.  He's now also the guy who recently cussed out his manager in the dugout for cameras to see.  Are you frustrated, Ryan?  You should be.  You asked for this manager to be hired and you got it.  At least I'm a fan and know I had nothing to do with the non-hiring of Cubs' Hall of Famer, Triple-A Manager of the Year 2010, and my childhood idol, Ryne Sandberg.  You, however, had everything to do with it.  Suck it, Dumpster.  Whatever frustration you endure this year, you deserve. 

Carlos Marmol - Marmol might be the dirtiest pitcher in the game except for one thing- he has no control whatsoever.  Somebody find this guy Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn's prescription glass immediately. 

Yeah, those would help.

It's a wonder he wasn't able to beat out Kerry Wood or Kevin Gregg a few years ago for the closer role.  Lou Pinella recognized how little control Marmol possessed and likely did not have strong enough heart medication to deal with that day in and day out.  I always figured Marmol was the closer of the present and future... no I'm depressingly unsure.

I'm actually getting worked up writing about this!  My goal was to purge myself of the bad vibes the Cubs have thrust upon me like a rain cloud that follows me around all day, then I'd be done with it.  Instead, this has left me more worked up than when I began.  Even the Pirates are winning this year, while the Cubs flounder!  How is that possible with the third highest payroll in baseball?!?  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

I will never be driven to adopt a new team, but my level of passion for this season needs to drop to zero.  That is a depressing fact based around the current state of the Cubs.  Ugh.

Diary of a Distraught Cubs Fan

June 17, 2011.  And th-th-the Yankees come to town. 

Let's keep it real.  I can't be that distraught at the moment.  The Cubs just took 3 of 4 from the Milwaukee Brewers.  Lighting up Zack Greinke yesterday was a fantastic treat.  Watching Carlos Pena and Alfonso Soriano go yard was quite helpful to my morale. 

However, we now have the Bronx Bombers coming to town and I see no reason to slow down.  Amazingly, the Cubs do actually have the 3rd highest team batting average in the National League.  The problem is they don't string the hits together to produce runs.  This would be like constantly covering a Craps table only to seven-out and never get paid.  Just awful. 

With the Yanks coming to Wrigley, I don't fear their pitching.  I have a feeling the Cubs will score runs.  But will they score enough runs to win a ball game or two?  Fuck if I know.  But the only two pitchers I worry about on their staff are CC and Mariano Rivera.  Unless they trade for Kevin Correia some time soon, their overall staff is not intimidating. 

That being said, their offense IS intimidating.  A-Rod is inconsistent but still worthy of superstar status.  Mark Teixeira is retarded- as in Black Eyed Peas "Let's Get Retarded In Here."  Robinson Cano could be the best hitter in baseball. 

But am I writing this to slob the Yankees' knobs?  Absolutely not.  After watching the Cubs so far this week, I actually think the Cubs may cause the Yankees trouble- and I'm sure that won't make G$ a very happy child molester (he is a massive fan of the Evil Empire.) 

Really, they have nothing to lose.  The Cubs have lowered the expectations to "Deep Impact" asteroid crater levels.  If they get swept this weekend- oh well.  They probably should.  And if they happen to win 2 of 3 and actually take advantage of the DH-less New York squad, then that would be quite an accomplishment. 

The point is, while I'm not leading the charge of stating that the Cubs are about to make the biggest turnaround in MLB history, the world is a little less dreary looking through Cubs fan beer goggles.  Do I still want them to unload payroll?  Yes.  If they can, that is.  Do I still think Jim Hendry should be fired.  Yep- immediately.  He even received the accursed "vote of confidence" from Tom Ricketts this week.  It's time to build a system and stop hampering their MLB club with long contracts that players can't realistically live up to.  If nothing else though, I actually enjoyed watching the Cubs the last few games which makes this week the peak of my baseball season. 

I'm looking forward to the games this weekend.  I'm looking for competitive games and growth from the horde of young'uns that the Cubs have on the roster at the moment.  Go Cubs!

Diary of a Distraught Cubs Fan

 
 June 10, 2011. Still dark.

Being born into Cubs fandom- I had no idea what I was in for when I was young. Blindly following the likes of Ryne Sandberg, Andre Dawson, Mark Grace, Greg Maddux, and a theoretically sober Rick Sutcliffe was easy as a youngster. They were relatively likeable fellas and I was able to visit Wrigley Field often making it easy to love the Cubs.

Hell, even the 2003 version of the Cubs was a fun bunch. Healthy and starting versions of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior easily won over my enthusiasm. However, this current bunch of twats on the Cubs are hard to watch, let alone cheer for.

Mike Quade managed to not match his former employer (the Oakland A's) in current losing streaks by beating the Reds on Wednesday. Fucking fantastic. I'm not saying that I wish he was fired at the same time the A's fired inept manager Bob Geren, but firing GM Jim Hendry may not be the worst idea the Cubs organization have ever had.

So what is the problem with the National League's highest payroll? Ugh- where to start? The Cubs have 99 Problems and bitches are all of them:

Bitch #1 - Carlos Zambrano

Oh, so you're cured motherfucker? OF COURSE YOU ARE! 5 sessions of anger management seems like a rock solid plan for a guy with more misplaced, pussy anger than Anakin Skywalker. You have to go- one way or another. I'm just not sure what team would take ya.

Bitch #2 - Ryan Dempster

You do a Harry Caray impression that is basically a second rate impression of Will Ferrell's impression. Your pitching has been even worse than that. Thank you for pitching well enough to get a big contract and then being average for the remainder of the contract. Perfect. Don't tell me that you don't get run support. You'll have plenty of time to complain about that when you're living in a VAN down by the RIVER! (Yes, Dempster also imitates Chris Farley.)

Bitch #3 - Alfonso Soriano

Paying you $18 million a year for an eternity to strikeout and get hurt seems like a rational decision. There is little that can be done to change my opinion that you are fucking trash.

Bitch #4 - Aramis Ramirez

Oh- so you're not going to wave your no trade clause? Really? Well, don't worry about it. It's fairly impossible for the Cubs to unload your contact anyway you whiny queef. Maybe if you were actually the superstar the Cubs are paying for, they wouldn't have to consider trading you because they'd be... uh... what's the word? Winning? Error-Miss Ramirez will be gone after this year and I can't wait.

Bitch #5 - Jim Hendry

You should be Bitch #1. Speaking of NO TRADE CLAUSES- HOW THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE ON THE CUBS HAVE A NO TRADE CLAUSE? You sign all of these bungling underachievers and give all of them leverage over trading their albatross contracts? Are you insane? If any of these guys ask for no trade clauses, tell them to stick the contract up their ass until they let it go. Tell them to pick between getting paid ungodly amounts of money and having a pussy no trade clause. You should be fired three years ago.

I could go on. Rain clouds follow me every damn day when I watch the Cubs, but I continue to tune in. I'm a loyal fan. It's almost amazing I'm able to stay interested since the other Chicago teams that I love have been very respectable recently (Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks) and this franchise looks like chunky diarrhea clogging up an ivy fill toilet, but such is the life of a Cubs fan I suppose.

I have nothing positive to say about this team. If I'm really reaching... the Cubs drafted not only Shawon Duston's son (get the Shawon-O-Meter warmed up!) AND Wayne Gretzky's son. That's it. I'm hoping Starlin Castro and Darwin Barney provide stability up the middle, but who knows? The Cubs will probably fuck those guys up as well.

There is little joy in Wrigleyville these days. It makes me miss Sammy Sosa's juiced up, corked bat, pre-bleached skin ass. And that is the sad state of affairs with my favorite baseball team. I wish I could vaporize them like the Death Star extinguished the planet of Alderaan. At least then the Cubs could start fresh. A house cleaning is probably step 1 toward respectability.

But don't listen to me- I'm just an uncured fan with massive rage building inside of me. And I haven't been to anger management yet, so I'm probably likely to destroy a Gatorade cooler or fight Michael Barret in the very near future.

All that being said, I'm still in this for the long haul, so let's get on the right track Cubs.  Fire Hendry, build up through the draft (with the great picks you'll certainly retain over the next few years), and DO NOT trade away promising prospects for band-aids to cover up outer skull fractures (cough- Matt Garza- cough.)  I'm hoping they learn from past mistakes because the Cubs do have the potential to be a big market powerhouse.  They just need the right people running the show.  I'm depressed, but hopeful.

Go Cubbies!
Prime 99