The Cubs Ruining Everyone's Fun

First, let's start with this pretty hilarious video from Miles Fisher. It combines "Saved By The Bell" with "Final Destination" and has Champ from "Anchorman" playing the part of Mr. Belding. I'm not sure you can get much better... well, maybe if the song was better:



Now for my weekly complaint with the Chicago Cubs. I am long past the point where I give a shit about the Cubs and plan to not watch another game for the rest of the season. This is horrible as I invested in MLB.TV at the beginning of the season. This service is now going to waste because of how terrible my team is. You might say, "Prime, the Cubs have won 5 real, actual games in a row- what is your problem this week?" To which I would reply with the following:

The Cubs are fucking con-artists. They've used their play this week to prank two separate groups of people this week.

Group #1 - The Pittsburgh Pirates

I'm not going to grab the research, but trust me when I say the Pirates have DOMINATED the Cubs the past two or three years. Earlier this year (May), the Pirates put a few nails in the Cubs' season's coffin. Last year, I believe the Cubs lost something like 17 of 20 games to the Buccos. It has been a virtual certainty that when the Pirates come to town, the Cubs should (and do) run and hide like little bitches.  However, this seems to have been a long con where the Cubs have bided their time to get the Pirates at the most painful of times...

This guy also knows a thing or two about long cons.

Well, now that the Pirates and their fans had a possibility of making a playoff run for the first time in 17 or so years, the Cubs go into their house and play spoiler. Classic Cubs. They are about ruining fun for everyone. Their priority is to ruin the fun for their own fanbase first (which I am a part of despite the rage I have understandably unleashed recently) but then they will victimize other hapless fanbases just for fun. When the pressure is off, they will come in and dominate a team on the verge of defeating their own futility.

Remember last year when Mike Quade rearranged his rotation to take on the San Diego Padres? It was a clutch move that helped the San Francisco Giants take the NL West (this is why Quade was on the All-Star team coaching staff this year- it was Bruce Bochy saying, "Thank you.") I'm sure my friends who are Giants fans are very thankful for that move, but San Diego Padres fans are some of the most beaten down of all time. If you think 100+ years without a World Series is bad, try having your steak at infinity. I'm surprised the 1984 NLCS didn't cause the apocalypse.

Many experts predicted this scenario just after the '84 NLCS.

So back the Pirates, the Cubs just swept them in a 4 game series in Pittsburgh to essentially ruin any chance of a black and yellow playoff appearance. Like I said, the Cubs are a dangerous team without pressure, and they will ruin the fun of other fanbases.

Except for the Cardinals... the Cardinals are impervious the Cubs curses. In fact, the Cubs beating up on the Pirates helped the Cards. This proves my point.

Impervious to Cubs curses, but not DUIs.

#2 Cub Fans

I know why Harry Caray drank gallons of Budweiser while announcing Cub games. It was the only way to deal with the managerial decisions, player errors, and front office miscalculations that the Cubs bring to the table. This is also why typical collective bleacher blood/alcohol level at Wrigley Field is 8002.53. How else can Cub fans cope with the product that are given on the field?

They didn't even try to hide Harry's love of booze.

The Cubs love to get themselves out of contention, then beat up on a good team just to show fans what could have been. I for one, am not buying this any longer. If the Cubs are going to tank, they should tank so hard that they are forced to sell at the trade deadline and receive a high draft pick. They should HAVE to shake up the front office, the manager, and the players. This "we'll do enough to save everyone's jobs" thing is getting to as old as George Burns. And yes, I'm aware that George Burns died in 1996. That's the point. This act is dead.

You're using the wrong finger, George.

It is sick that I am, ultimately, proud to be a Cub fan. Like I've stated before, I'll never not be a Cub fan. I "bleed Cubbie blue and red" like so many of us Cub fans. I'm also not a negative person and don't particularly like it when Cub fans get so crazy that they complain needlessly (as they have in other years instead of appreciating exactly how good the team actually was.) However, I've reached the end with this regime. The Ricketts family needs to clean house immediately. Find someone else. I don't care who it is. How about the Blue Jays' young GM? What about Billy Beane? Give that guy a decent payroll and see what he can do with it. A's fans are sick of him anyway. I hear Pat Gillick is a possibility. Do whatever you can to find a replacement for Jim Hendry yesterday. This current regime has run its course and needs a culture change immediately.

And stop giving every signed player a no trade clause!!!