Highly Overused Metaphors

Bryant Gumble recently compared David Stern and the NBA owners to plantation owners... yada yada yada. For whatever reason, people LOVE to use the most tragic examples of world history and compare them to current events- no matter how ludicrous the analogy may be. Let's look at this analogy and two other recent ones to decide how much merit these comparisons have.

Bryant Gumble does NOT mess around.

Bryant Gumble: NBA Players = Slaves (Workers) and David Stern & The Owners (Owners) = Plantation Owners

Workers Avg. Pay - Slaves ($0 + barren living expenses), NBA Players (just over $5 million)

Percentage of business revenue going toward workers - Slaves (0%), NBA Players (under the recently expired deal, 57%)

Hmmm...

Look, I agree that my blog is not the haven of informative research (and it never will be) but I know off the top of my head that Michael Jordan and Jay-Z are both involved in ownership groups of NBA teams. Now, that's at least two more African-American owners in the NBA today than were plantation owners back before the Civil War.

A more proper analogy would one of a giant business pushing around its highly valuable employees. The NBA makes zero money without the players, however owners put a ton of their cash on the line as well to bring the product to the masses. They should strike a fair deal that works for both parties, but laying the "plantation" comparison on the situation is simply not fair.

Hank Williams, Jr.: President Obama = Hitler

BOCEPHUS!

I know, I know. This isn't a political blog, but off the top of my head, this is another unfair comparison. You can absolutely hate Obama's political views or actions, but a Hitler analogy is just not correct. Hitler took control of Germany using a Nazi force of Gestapo, then began to wipe "undesirable" races off the face of the European continent. Obama was voted in via a democratic process and still has to work with checks and balances in the three branch governmental system.

I agree that when inspecting Bocephus' statement, he's not exactly calling Obama "Hitler" in context, but he needless dropped the "Hitler" card on top of the Uno pile. He could've said, "They go together like Larry and Balki from 'Perfect Strangers!'" Or alternatively, "They go together like Felix and Oscar from 'The Odd Couple!'" His main point was to say that it was odd that Obama was playing golf with a notable Republican and that he was not for it. Now, besides the fact that having no tolerance for bi-partisanship is small-minded, the Hitler comparison was not necessary. Enjoy not singing for Monday Night Football (AKA his only stream of revenue for the last 25 years.)

Adrian Peterson: NFL Owers (Slave Masters) and NFL Players (Slaves)

Adrian Peterson putting in work on the Cotton (Bowl) field.

AP used a similar analogy to Bryant Gumble. Most of my arguments from the NBA comparison apply here, though I can't think of any Black owners in the NFL. I will give AP some credit, the slave comparison is at least more valid in this situation due to the fact that football players literally destroy their bodies playing this sport which is not the standard in the NBA (I'm not saying it never happens, just that football is a more brutal game than basketball.) While it is more valid, it is still way off. When people use slavery as a comparison to any business where the workers average over $1 million dollars in average salary, they are trivializing the history of this country. Slavery was an awful mark on our country's history with plenty of stories of bravery from both Black and White people to finally outlaw its practice. Professional athletes are not slaves. They are being paid handsomely to play a game that they theoretically love (or at the very least, they make tons of cash working hard.)

Politics and business can be unbelievably contentious. It is important to keep some perspective in today's modern age and realize that your slavery and Hitler comparisons are probably not applicable any longer (if they ever where.)

Halloween Songs

A great Halloween song is extremely hard to find.  It is awfully difficult to find the balance between cheesy/goofy versus gory/satanic.  Today, I will attempt to rank my Top 5 favorite Halloween songs.  I can't promise the results will be good because I am having a difficult time thinking of good Halloween songs off the top of my head.  That's never stopped me before, though...

Dishonorable mention:

"Purple People Eater"



One eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater? I'm assuming they are singing about a cock. Gross. This song is terrible. Moving on...

5) "Nightmare On My Street"



What's that you say? You want to combine Freddy Kreuger with Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff? Umm... yeah- I'm in! I agree that this goes a little more cheesy than what I'd ideally like, but that's why this song is at #5. As I mentioned earlier, good Halloween songs are hard to find! And no, I'm not including "Addams Family Values" by MC Hammer on this list.

4) "Candyman Theme Song"



I'm unsure if the movie has affected my judgment on this one, but I can't hear the sprawling piano riff without thinking of Tony Todd getting buck-nasty with a rusty hook hand. If you've never seen the movie, this instrumental may seem a bit too happy, but the music does follow the movie in the sense that every time you think it's safe, it will take a turn towards scarier. Quite well done, in my own personal opinion.

3) "Thriller"



Say what you will about MJ's child-molesting ways, he sure can sing and dance in full zombie make up! Confusingly, he also turns into a werewolf earlier in the video, so I'm not quite sure what the point of the video is, but I've included the full 13+ minute version for you to review.

2) "Halloween Theme Song"



If you want to be creeped out solely based on a musical score, this has to be the pinnacle of Halloween instrumentals. The repetitive piano riff just keeps going while the underlying bass horns changes root notes. I assume this is the elevator music in hell.

1) "Ghostbusters"



If ya need a theme song, that sounds like a Huey Lewis song, who ya gonna call? Ray Parker, Jr.! Despite getting sued by Huey (and potentially The News as well) this song ranks as number 1. It blends cheesy with shades of minor keys to create the perfect Halloween song. I will admit that if the movie sucked, this song wouldn't be as good. However, since the movie is one of the best comedies of all time, the theme song is upgraded significantly. I even enjoyed the "Ghostbusters" cartoon when I was a kid! DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS!

---

So that's the list I've come up with. What are your favorites? As usual, I probably missed some great songs, so suggestions in the comments for others to enjoy.

My Predictions Are Trash

I decided to look over my preseason NFL picks and damn was that embarrassing.  My picks this year were just awful.  Here are some teams that I'd like to ask for their forgiveness:

- San Francisco 49ers: Holy shit-balls.  This team got good in a hurray.  I'm still not exactly sure what their true identity is, but they are beating other good teams (Eagles, Bucs, Lions) with a tough defense and a QB in Alex Smith that has led 3 game-winning drives this year.  Jim Harbaugh is fighting other coaches and conquering opposing teams without remorse.  I did not think they could execute this turnaround so quickly, but they did.

This magazine cover is beautiful.  Factually inaccuratet, but still beautiful.

- Buffalo Bills: G$ called this one and I laughed at him.  I did not understand how good Ryan Fitzpatrick really is and how much their team has improved since last year.  True, they did lose a close one to the Giants this past week, but they are a better team than the Jets.  I now think the Bills will make the playoffs.  Shocking stuff.

- Cincinnati Bengals: Is it true that the Bengals just traded Carson Palmer to the Raiders for two potential first round picks?!  Al Davis is working magic from the great beyond.  I initially believed the Bengals would go 0-16.  As it turns out, their defense is stout and Andy Daulton has been a serviceable starter.  Does it bother anyone that the Bengals seem to only draft ginger quarterbacks?  Maybe they like matching uniforms with their QB's beard stubble.  In any case, well done Bengals.  I didn't see it coming.

Ginger regret.

Teams that should be asking for my (or their fan base's) forgiveness:

- St. Louis Rams: "Two steps forward, two steps back, we're drafting 1 and Luck's our quarterback."  As fucking lame as it is for me to rewrite lyrics for Paula Abdul, it is even more fucking lame that this team is reaching a new level of futility.  They thought they were on their way to dominating the horrid NFC West.  Instead, they are now the worst of the bunch and the 49ers are suddenly very solid.  They thought they had their franchise QB, but if they draft #1, they pretty much have to take Andrew Luck and trade Sam Bradford.  Wouldn't that be interesting?  Point is, the Rams are wretched and will probably move back to LA.

2.4 seconds before the carton rape.

- Philadelphia Eagles: They could still make noise, but I bought into the hype with everyone else.  They are a flawed team with many weaknesses.  I hope they lose out.  They won't, but a blogger can dream, right?

---

Predicting the NFL is difficult.  This year, my predictions are an embarrassment to my future-telling skills.  Just garbage.

NFL Week 6

Holy testicle Tuesday that was a fun week!  Coach fights, coach injuries, and Sexy Rexy getting benched?!  There are quite a bit of talking points to get to, so let's dive in:

- I don't know who's right or wrong, but I DO know that Jim Harbaugh would win in a fight between him and Jim Schwartz.  I know Schwartz is hilarious and motivating, but I'm certain Jim Harbaugh would beat the taste out of Schwartz's mouth, kick him in the stomach, and deliver a Stone Cold Stunner. 

Pictured: Jim Schwartz getting stunnered.

Harbaugh has taken Mike Singletary's 49er roster and created a winner.  It is so unfathomable, I have no idea how to explain it, but just know that I cannot act like I'm not impressed. 

It's the pleats... of the pants...

- Sexy Rexy... not sexy at all.  I actually started Rex in my Yahoo! league where my team is terrible and Phillip Rivers was on a bye.  This did NOT yield great results.  It was about as successful every move the characters from "Walking Dead" that involved trying to protect the kids of the group.  I will certainly lose in that fantasy league and the Sex Cannon will certainly lose his job in real life.  Mike Shanahan is as loyal to his quarterbacks as John Gruden.  That is to say, he's not. 

- Sean Payton sustains a torn MCL and broken tibia!  Unreal.  I know he was trying to be tough, but damn dude, get out of the way.  Everyone could see the play was headed right for ya!  Which is worse, a dumb highlight that is shown a couple times of you getting out of the way, or straight up breaking your leg?  There is no shame in a coach moving out of the Sean.  P.S., c'mon Drew Brees- you gots to get that ball in the end zone! 

- And on to da Bears!  They made the Vikings look like a JV high school team because frankly, outside of Jared Allen and Adrian Peterson, the Vikings are about as good as a JV high school team.  I'm sure the NFL was embarrassed overall (and apparently, so was Donovan McNabb's mom as she was seen leaving the game), but wow did that victory cleanse my brain from the stink of the game against the Lions.  I'll enjoy it today, but at 3-3, the Bears have to find a way to beat the Bucs in London on Sunday.  If they lose, it's right back to "do or die" time.  The O-Line did look much better against a stout Vikings rush attack.  Keep building on that effort... and by that, I mean don't listen to Mike Martz. 

Every time you kick to Devin Hester, you will see his ass as he runs by you.

---

Fantasy Football Update:

MSFL:

Murder Panties 152 - Mr. Brownstone 96

Brownhole still has Brandon Marshall tonight, but supposedly he's getting kicked out before the 2nd quarter and won't be able to score the 60 points needed to beat me.  My team is coming on strong in this league.  Ahmad Bradshaw was the hero of the week. 

Cali Not Keepers:

Peppermill High Rollers 97 - Team CAN-AS-ASAP 96

I have no idea what the hell this guy's team name means, but I do know we were tied atop the league at 4-1.  The third 4-1 team lost as well and I escaped with a one point victory thanks in part to Devin Hester and the Bears' D.  Suck it.  My team is the best.  If you don't like it, then someone beat me. 

Family and Friends:

CORE 83.12 - Bros B 4 Shiancoes 97.32

I love it when people steal popular fantasy names that make their way around the web.  Oh well, I guess I can't talk because I started Rex Grossman for a whopping -2.28 points.  My team is an embarrassment.  I can't believe I actually missed Phillip Rivers' terrible play this week. 

---

So there it is.  As bad as last night's game was, tonight's Monday Night game is worse.  I might do accounting homework instead of watching this dreadful game.  I also hate Mark Sanchez. 

Frederick P. Soft

I don't have much to write about today, but here's an interesting tidbit from the 49ers' organization.  Jim Harbaugh has created a character to represent not working hard or being soft.  The name?  Frederick P. Soft. 

Freddy Soft has been quite the topic on Bay Area sports talk radio.  Coaches have always yelled, "Don't be soft!" but it is interesting for a coach to develop a mythical character to embody being soft.  If the coach is yelling at you to not be soft, it is your fault.  If he is telling you to not listen to Freddy Soft, the act of being soft is not your fault, it just means you shouldn't be associating with a bad influence.  It's kind of like your parents telling you to not hang out with the obvious stoners in high school.  Guilt by association.  ("It's not Jimmy's fault he smokes weed- he just hangs out with a bad element!")

Is this the secret to the Niners' success this year?  I have no idea, but it is pretty damn funny.  Think of all the things you could blame on Freddy Soft.  Missed a block?  Freddy Soft.  Fumble the ball?  Freddy Soft.  Michael Crabtree misses another game or is unproductive due to injury and being an asshole.  Freddy Soft! 

This character has shifted the blame onto another entity which allows today's players to not give into their default attitude... which is, of course, soft.  With all the egos and hurt feelings in today's professional sports (and all levels, I suppose), inventing a character to blame for mental mistakes and laziness is an interesting tactic that so far seems to be working quite well.  Good for my man Jim Harbaugh!  I'm glad to see he's already more successful than the last ex-Bears player to coach the 49ers. 

So this weekend, while you are doing yard work, cleaning the house, or drinking, don't give in to Freddy Soft.  Be tough and go all the way!

Theo Epstein: The Messiah

He's Jewish. He breaks curses. He's soft spoken and extremely intelligent. I'm sold. He's the second coming of Jesus.

In all seriousness, how could I not be excited about the Cubs nabbing Theo Epstein as their new GM. They went from old school Jim Hendry who was running the club into the ground, to a young and proven GM that has already broken the other major "curse" in baseball.

I type "curse" because I don't believe in curses. What I do believe in is the massive amount of pressure a fan base puts on its players to win a World Series after a long drought.  The Cubs were cruising in 2003 past the Marlins, and while I don't blame Steve Bartman at all, I do think that play and Moises Alou's reaction to it woke the team up out of autopilot.  All of a sudden, they tightened up, sure-handed Alex Gonzales made an error, the unflappable Mark Prior began hanging his normally nasty curveballs, and the team crumbled under the fans' dread.

DYK- Theo shreds on the gee-tar! 

Theo brings hope.  He's been through it before.  He's seen a previously "cursed" team win not just one, but two World Series.  Players can take comfort in the fact that their GM has been there, done that before.

But of course, that's not solving the majority of the problems at the Friendly Confines.  Epstein brings a vast knowledge of the game, expertise on how to set up a deep farm system, and he has hopefully learned his lesson with signing people like John Lackey.  Never trust a player with no chin.

Or does he have three chins?  I can't tell.

Is Theo Epstein the right guy for the job?  Fuck yes, he is.  If he's not the right guy, who is?  Billy Beane?  Ned Colletti?  The Rays' GM?  A young gun on the rise?  No, none of them are a better option than Theo.  Theo's experience is perfect for this job.  On resume alone, I don't see another more qualified candidate for what they need to do in Chicago.

Does this mean the Cubs are guaranteed to win?  Not at all.  But there is a now a different feeling around the Cubs that certainly hasn't been there since 2008, and maybe even before that time.  It's a feeling that us Cub fans aren't totally accustomed to- legitimate hope.  This shouldn't be a "maybe next year" type attitude any longer.  The attitude now is, let's build something from the ground up and create a system that sustains itself.  The entire Cubs' system needs to be re-vamped to make the franchise respectable, and I believe that Theo Epstein is the man to do it. 

Now... how to unload that rotten motherfucker Carlos Zambrano... hmm...

No Post Today

I've pretty much been rotating taking one day off a week.  Bare with me as I juggle my schedule. 

Highlight of the day yesterday... I got a haircut.  I no longer look like a hobo. 

Runner up highlight... I bought "Transformers: Dark Of The Moon" on DVD/Blu Ray.  The movie is terrible and awesome at the same time.  I feel similar toward giant transforming robots as I do toward light sabers. 

And to close, enjoy this 80's one-hit wonder Falco: