A Shining Example Of Why Soccer Will Not Catch On In the US

First off, I encourage everyone to go back to yesterday's post.  I was finally able to upload a short video I took with my iPhone from the concert.  It features a portion of "Dead & Bloated" from STP's encore.

Ok, since I've been reducing the amount of sports posts (not for any reason, just sort of happened) I'm going to post about sports today.  Which leads us to... Soccer?  Jesus help us...

When I was in kindergarten, I played Soccer for one game in a youth league.  A bigger kid bumped me during the game and I started bleeding profusely out of my nose.  I admit, I was a bit of a scared-ee-cat when I was a kid and I refused to go back in the game (even after being offered a bribe of Frosty Boy by my parents- to this day I know it was a mistake.)  Even though I played the following year on a far shittier team, my days of playing Soccer were numbered from the moment I stepped on the field.

As a grown-ass-man now, I like high stakes International Men's Soccer.  This feeling comes over me once every four years and grabs my attention for a few weeks, albeit the World Cup is still not as important as MLB or even the NBA Draft.  My point is, there is literally nothing the sport of Soccer can do to legitimately win me over as a regular fan.  But why?  I've even recently begun watching more NHL Hockey- and it is fucking awesome.  Hockey and Soccer have the same premise (item scoring when it finds it's way into a net) but Hockey is WAY better.  And I think I have a perfect example of why.  Let's go to the tape of Sunday's US Women's Soccer game against Brazil:



If you were unable to watch the video, it was NOT the game equalizing goal by the US in the 122nd minute of the game. It WAS, however, the brutal fake injury by some Brazilian broad that allowed the clock to keep running (though also lead to the game lasting into the 122nd minute.) Would a Hockey player deliberately fake an injury to waste time?  No?  Oh, that's right, because most Hockey players are not pussies and there is no running clock in their sport.  So here is my theory:

People of the United States will not get into Soccer full time (i.e. it would be at least as popular as Hockey) until players STOP faking injuries AND they change the rules to allow for some sort of time stoppage during injuries.

This pic should not have come up when I image searched "Soccer Injury Faking."

There is zero chance either of those things are incorporated into the game. Players have incentives to fake injuries to gain clock or ref bias advantages. Any stoppage of clock would change the way the game is played and the rest of the world would freak out. I say, stop being pussies and why wouldn't you want a stop clock? It would help the game last longer and there would be less dead time where players stall.

As great as the end of the US Women's Soccer match against Brazil was (Dick Tracy and I left to go eat around minute 119- oops) and as happy as I am that Brazil ended up losing due in part to karma rearing its ugly head against flopping bitches, Soccer will always play at least fifth fiddle in the US. I don't see it changing.  Sunday's game was as exciting as Women's Soccer can possibly be and I still don't really care all that much. 

What say you? Is there anything Soccer can do to win you over? Is my hypothesis accurate even though it is in no way provable? While I do see Soccer gaining some popularity, I don't think there are enough fans to cause a culture change in mainstream society. Sorry Soccer Hooligans- keep on cheering for Man U even though you've never been to the UK.

A Weekend To Remember

What can I say?  Every time I go to the Peppermill in Reno, it just gets better and better.  This trip, as I mentioned last week, was to go to the Stone Temple Pilots concert on Friday and then relax and enjoy the rest of what the Peppermill has to offer.  First, let's talk about the concert.

Mrs. P., Dick Tracy, Mrs. Tracy, and myself were the culprits of this trip.  We showed up, checked in, and found that our rooms were placed across the hallway from each other on the 10th floor.  Mrs. P. and I had a killer view of the pool from our room, so we set up the bar quickly in our room and had a few drinks.  Dick Tracy and I decided to go down to will call and pick up the tickets our casino host and friend set up for us.  We had reserved seats, with the option of going to the general admission floor, AND VIP passes!  We were not expecting those, but it meant that we had access to the open bar VIP room throughout the entire show.  So clutch and delicious.

After having some appetizers at Biscotti's, we went into the VIP room and got a few drinks.  Eventually, we made it to our seats and waited for STP to start the show.  It was funny that they were running a little late and didn't get on stage until 8:30 (show was scheduled for 8pm.)  There was a thought in the back of my mind that something was wrong, but all worries were unfounded when they walked out and went balls to the wall opening with "Crackerman."

Scott Weiland's voice sounded great.  The band was well rehearsed which was impressive since this was their first stop on the tour.  The rest of the set list went like this:

1. Crackerman
2. Wicked Garden
3. Vasoline
4. Heaven and Hotrods
5. Between The Lines
6. Hickory Dichotomy
7. Still Remains
8. Big Empty
9. Bi-Polar Bear
10. Silvergun Superman
11. Plush
12. Interstate Love Song
13. Big Bang Baby
14. Down
15. Sex Type Thing
Encore:
16. Dead And Bloated
17. Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart

(Set List courtesy of Setlist.fm though I don't think they have it exactly correct and I corrected it.)



The show was amazing.  Scott Weiland was charismatic and the band was on top of their game.  I was surprised that they didn't play "Creep" and "Sour Girl."  I was disappointed that they didn't play "Army Ants" or "Meatplow."  However, as a whole, the show blew me away and our group fully enjoyed it (even the girls who are not fans did agree that it was a well done concert.)

STP - 7/8/11

After the show, Dick Tracy and I headed to the Craps table (surprise, surprise) and rocked quite the fruitful session.  Even the girls eventually found their way down to the table and made some money.  There was an older Asian in the corner of the table that CRUSHED it on a roll.  I would guess we won 80% of our money on his roll and in the end, Dick Tracy and I were up over $400 each.  This was simply unbelievable based on how drunk we got.

"This weekend was brought to you by the letter 'M'"

 After grabbing a bite to eat, it was on to bed.  We were so drunk that sleep was pretty awful and I ended up puking up Maker's and nachos in the morning.  I was able to get back to sleep for a little bit before eating and then heading to the Spa.

There really is nothing quite like using the sauna, steam room, hot tub, cold tub, and all of the other amenities to sweat out all of the booze from a long night of heavy drinking and watching STP.  Dick Tracy joked about what the potential alcohol content of our sweat was.  I'm guessing 20 proof.

After some rejuvenation and a short and disappointing Craps session with some of the biggest assholes I've ever played the game with, it was off to Bimini Steakhouse for the nicest meal you can get at the Peppermill.

Dick Tracy generously treated us to the meal as a birthday present to me.   What a guy!  Bimini is a very upscale restaurant where a two-hour leisurely meal is expected.  The food was phenomenal.  We had Coconut Rum Battered Shrimp to start and I had the Filet as my main course.  Mrs. P. had a massive plate of crab legs and joked about this huge looking claw being from "Father Time Crab."  He apparently tasted delicious.

"Damn you Peppermill for catching me!"

Afterward, we made it back down to the Craps table for another disappointing session.  However, we were not losing all that much money, we just didn't like the people at the table so it wasn't worth sticking around.  Depressed, Dick Tracy and I headed back to the Terrace Lounge to play Video Poker.  This is where I won a $1000 progressive jackpot two weeks ago...

We sit down and within five hands, I get dealt a pair of Aces, hold them, hit the button and the next three cards come Ace, Ace, King.  BOOM.  $430 just like that.  Apparently the Terrace Lounge and I will continue to be friendly on future trips!  So ended night two.

In the morning, Dick Tracy and I got breakfast without the girls because they wanted to sleep in a bit longer.  Eventually, we made our way back to the rooms and checked out.  Our new tradition is for some afternoon Sunday gambling before leaving.  With our luggage stored in the car, we went to the Craps table.

The table was pretty full, so we walked around to the new Poker room and played some Video Poker at the bar.  No luck.  Upon heading back to the Craps table 20 minutes later, Dick Tracy stopped at some slots to play $20.  He hit a jackpot of $240.  BOOM.  Re-energized, we had to hit Craps immediately.

And this is the point where I had one of the best rolls of my life.  I hit a number of points (probably 4 passes) but with come bets I had an extra 5 or 6 of those (I think... I don't think I'm exaggerating, but hey- I wasn't keep exact track!)  In the end, Dick Tracy and I were again, up another $400+ each.

We found the girls at Roulette and played with them for a bit.  It was pretty casual, but we ended up doing alright.  On the way out, Mrs. Tracy had two $25 match play coupons.  Dick Tracy posted the $50 necessary to play two hands of blackjack (dealt at the same time.)  The first hand was a 19 and the second was a 12.  The 19 stayed, obviously, and the 12 hit to an 18.  The dealer showed a 7, and ended up busting.  Solid gambling this weekend!!!

In the end, it was a great trip- in fact, one of the best trips to the Peppermill ever.  The place really gets better and better every single time.

Concert Going 101

I've attended my fair share of concerts over the years and there are definitely some major mistakes one can make to ruin concerts for themselves and others.  Here is some advice from your friendly neighborhood music fan that will help you enjoy concerts more thoroughly.  And if that doesn't happen, then hopefully I'll at least provide entertaining tidbits.

- Actually like the band/artist you are going to see.  How many times to you hear dumb bitches talking about how they "can't wait for that one song!"  They chose to go not because they like the band performing, but because some guy that likes them paid for their ticket (and of course, this guy has no chance at hooking up with them.)  The exception is if you are going with your spouse because they really enjoy the band.  Put on a happy face and fake it as best as possible, but it's unlikely you'll be the annoying, over-enthusiastic person who doesn't know any songs by the band playing.

"OMG! We, like, totally match!"

 - Drink before going in.  Event beers cost $10 each sometimes.  It is far easier to tailgate in the parking lot (or wherever), go in and have a beer or two to keep your buzz level, and be ready to go by the time the headliner comes on.  Just make sure you don't drink too much!  Blacking out at a show is a waste of your money- and you also might lose your sandals. 

"That will be $11.75 and a testicle."

- Do not wear a shirt of the band you are going to see.  This is a confusing one that many people clearly ignore.  I know this rule is counter-intuitive if compared to a sporting event (clearly you'll wear gear of the sports team you like and are going to watch) but it's just the way it is.  It's somewhat acceptable to buy a shirt and put it on at the show, but I do not recommend this practice either.  It's better to wear a different band shirt or something non-music related.  Other band shirts you will always see at shows?  Led Zepplin and AC/DC.  Every time.  It doesn't matter if it's a Bright Eyes, O.A.R., or Lady Gaga concert- you'll always see THAT guy at a show.

"What is Klingon for 'douche?'"

- Know the terrain.  It is amazing how many people can't figure out when they buy tickets if the venue/show is reserved seats or general admission, seated or standing.  Know the situation and be prepared to act accordingly.  If you absolutely need to get up front and the show is GA, then show up early (or be a huge dick and likely cause a fight squeezing up front.)  If you have reserved seats, find out who the opener is and likely show up after they are done.  The more you are aware of your surroundings, the better off you'll be.

- Play the "what do you think they'll open with?" game.  It's a fun game that is, at times, a true crap shoot.  Take tonight for example- what will STP open with?  I mentioned Wednesday that I'm hoping for "Dead & Bloated."  I could also see "Meatplow" or "Vasoline" (if they aren't saving that for later in the set.)  I can't imagine the opener will not come from their first or second albums.  Yeah, I just used a double negative- what of it?

"Fuck you- we're playing our entire new record!"

 

 ---

Here's a fun story from August of 2000.  My girlfriend at the time and I had been dating for only a couple months.  We decided to see Third Eye Blind, Vertical Horizon, and Nine Days at the Sleeptrain Amphitheater in Marysville.  We showed up early and earned a spot right up front (the area in front of the stage was GA.)  We peacefully watched Nine Days and Vertical Horizon.  I even caught a Vertical Horizon pick (which I still have, but it is not one of my most valued possessions.)  Before Third Eye Blind was about to take the stage, some fat, drunk bitch tries to cut in front of us.  She's stumbling in the crowd and mumbling about how "all these posers aren't real fans."  Considering I met the band over a year before their first major label record came out, I took exception to this.  Also, I think I felt like I had to act tough in front of the girl I'd been dating only a short time.

Me: Hey, you can't cut in front of us- all of us here got here early.  You're not getting in front of us.
Her: [drunken mumbles] Yeah, I'm just going to go right there. [points in front of me.]
Me: No you're not- I know you think you're some awesome fan, but we got here early and you're not getting in front of us. 
Her: Um... I... uh... going there. [take a hint already, bitchzilla!]
Me: Go bother someone else- this isn't happening for you.
Her: [Still trying to push her way in front of us] I swear I'm not usually like this- I'm not a bitch.
Me: Oh- but you ARE a bitch.  [This was not a great thing to tell a drunk girl with a beer in her hand.]

At this point, I see her eyes get big and she's definitely going to dump the beer on my head.  Since I'm tall, I grab the cup and begin to raise it up out of her hand.  She realizes this, and crushes the cup.  It barely gets on me.  It gets COMPLETELY all over my now ex-girlfriend (we did not break up due to this- that came later.) 

Fun fact: The security guard looked exactly like Kurt Angle.  After the beer dumping, I called out for "Kurt Angle" to come over and kick the drunk girl out of the pit.  He actually responded quickly leading me to believe it might have been the Gold Medalist.  Third Eye Blind came on minutes later and my date was drenched in beer.  She toughed it out and was a good sport about it, but here is another lesson- People are going to be drunk assholes.  Do not incite them into doing dumb stuff that will affect you. 

He may actually work security on the side these days.

---

So there you have it.  Concert Going 101.  Feel free to add in your own (obvious?) tips.  Have a great weekend!

Awkward Exchanges On My Week Off

I took this entire week off of work. Look how awesome I am still staying on track and posting here!

Taking days off is not all fun and games, though. I've been running errands to get caught up with my life all the while having odd interactions with people involved. Some are funny. Some, not so funny.

- I took my car in for service. Since my "pre-paid" maintenance has recently run out (essentially, they added money onto my loan to cover the first 5 years of maintenance at a substantial discount) I now have to pay for any services I need to have done. Can you imagine?! Using a credit card for car maintenance?!

Anyway, after the oil and filter change, the service guy comes over and says, "Everything looks great, but did you know you have a fog light out? We can fix it for $76, if you'd like." I think I laughed at him. Not only are the fog lights pretty much useless during Summer- I rarely use them ever. For $76, that services better come with a hand job. I'll find another way to get that changed.

This movie was about
car maintenance, right?

- I took my cat in to the vet for a vaccination. He was a good boy as he usually is. The funny portion came when we were ready to go. As I was paying for the shot, an older woman came in with her dog. It looked like one of her eyes (the woman, not the dog) was jacked up, and she was not talking common sense.

Old lady: I need my dog looked at. (PS: This was after 4pm.)
Vet desk person: Do you have an appointment?
OL: No- I need my dog looked at.
VDP: We don't have any more appointments today. We can get you an appointment for tomorrow or you can pay the emergency fee of $70 and we'll fit you in between appointments when there is space.
OL: [unintelligible sounds simulating grumbling]
VDP:... I have a 12pm tomorrow. Would you like that?
OL: I just don't know, I think my dog needs a dip- that's what we did last time.
VDP: Did you get a "dip" here?
OL: No, no...
VDP: I didn't think so. We wouldn't do that. Those aren't commonly done these days because they can hurt the dog.
OL: I just don't know if this is urgent enough to wait today or if I can wait until tomorrow!!!
(I'm now thinking- wow, this was so urgent you didn't call ahead of time and you waited until 4pm?! Yikes, lady.)

[They allow a vet to come out, check the dog's face as there was a growth on it, and the vet decided that the appointment could wait until tomorrow. The concern was potential ringworm.]

She left awkwardly and apparently her dogs are highly susceptible to ringworm. Just an odd lady. I kept my cat as far away from her dog as possible!

Cue the Sarah McLachlan.

- I went to pick up my dry cleaning yesterday as it was supposed to be ready on Wednesday. I show up and the older Asian lady greets me. I give her my pick-up slip and say, "I have two suits and seven shirts." She goes back and finds the suits. Then she goes back to find the shirts.

"I only have 3 shirts!" she yells to me.
"Um... you should have 7 shirts," I reply.
"I only have 3 shirts!" she repeats.
"Are you sure, the tag says 7."
"I only have 3 shirts... now. Others ready later."
"Oh, ok. But you didn't lose the shirts- that's good."

Needless to say, I'm going back there today.

- My Gibson J-45 has been a trooper over the last 5 years and I finally found time to ante up and get it completely re-fretted with a brand new bone nut. There was no awkward interaction besides the fact that the entire service cost $400+. I have a feeling it is going to be worth it in the long run. I can't wait to get my baby back in a week and see how it plays. Should be as good or better as when I bought it.

---

Taking the week off is great, but as you can see, is sometimes overrated. I suppose dealing with these odd folks isn't as bad as the 8-5 grind, but damn, they at least make me give it an extra consideration.

90s Rock: Stone Temple Pilots Deeper Tracks

Since I'm going to see STP in Reno this Friday, I figured I'd go back into their catalog and look at lesser known tracks.  I've already posted about them earlier, but their 90s concoctions are fantastic and deserve a closer look.

"Dead And Bloated" - I'm really hoping they open with this song.  I know it was a mild single, but it never reached popularity of other singles on "Core."  This is probably as close as STP gets to Alice In Chains.  This song has the AIC type vibe. 



"Sin" - Creepy intro that builds into a full blown rock and roll fest. Believe it or not, this was pretty racy stuff for the early 90s! This grainy live version from 1993 gives me chills.



"Naked Sunday" - You want to see a crazy drugged out motherfucker? Check out Scott Weiland at the Reading Festival in 1993. This dude unleashes the siren on his megaphone at the beginning of the song. That megaphone was fully utilized on "Core."



"Unglued" - What a rockin' song! This song kicks fucking ass. I found a live performance on Letterman which leads me to believe they were going to try to release it as a single, but it never caught on. Get past the Christmas wishes and sink your teeth into the good part of the video!



"Pretty Penny" - These guys were so popular that they played "Pretty Penny" on the MTV Awards in '94. The song is badass, but you have to be a HUGE band to talk your way into playing a non-single and decorating the stage in lava lamps on an award show.



"Silvergun Superman" - Yeah, I could for some of this on Friday.



"Pop's Love Suicide" - A poppy-er entry into their catalog, but certainly not suicide. This song rocks, though it is clear that Dean DeLeo got a brand new pedal he was infatuated with that does not sound as cool as the guitar tones used on their first two records.



"Ride The Cliche" - I like this song. The verse riff reminds me of something Aerosmith would rock and the chorus is solid STP. Very underrated tune.



"Heaven and Hotrods" - Structured in similar fashion to "Ride The Cliche" but this song is well worth your time to take a listen. It is easy to forget exactly how awesome these guys are, and I'm finally glad I'm able to see them this Friday.

Fourth of July Fun

Traditionally speaking, my Independence Day weekend was rather tame.  I had shows Friday and Saturday at respected Northern California venues.  Sunday we had a BBQ at Dick Tracy’s house.  Monday I woke up early and went to a weight training class, then bought Prilosec at Target.  Very exciting! 

So I can take some snippets from the weekend and make a haphazard post (which will be posted as soon as I have internet access!)

Friday’s show was alright besides there being an odd (read as: white trash) crowd at the usually excellent Irish Pub.  Saturday, however, was awesome!  The weather was hot to start, but perfect for most of the evening.  This led to people enjoying themselves- possibly enjoying themselves a little too much. 

During my first break a seemingly harmless girl introduced herself to me.  She was enthusiastically enjoying the show I provided, and why shouldn’t she?  I know what I’m doing up there.  She had curly hair that was essentially top of the neck length.  I have found that girls with this type of hair are usually bat-shit crazy.  I don’t know what it is about girls with that hair… weigh in if you have theories.

Yep. Fucking nuts.

At first, she was just asking general “get to know you” questions, which were fine.  I love meeting people who enjoy the show.  Grinding as a musician is not the easiest thing in the world and getting validation from time to time can be reenergizing. 

During my second break, she was much more inebriated.  I had played the song I wrote for my wife for our wedding.  She was amazed that I would play such a “sacred” song. 

“Was that song really written for your wedding?” she asked. 

“Of course.  I wouldn’t joke about that.” (Not to mention the lyrics would not make sense if it wasn’t for a wedding.)

“I just can’t believe you would allow us to hear it.  What if we didn’t appreciated it.”

“Haha- I played that song for me and my wife.  No one else needed to appreciate it- though I’m happy that you did.”

“It’s just so amazing that you played that.”

“Thank you… I’m glad you are enjoying the show.” [I’m sneaking away as things start to get more awkward.]

I figured she was done, but that’s not the way these stories usually go.  After getting back on stage and starting up my third and final set, an Asian girl came up to request a song and buy a CD.  Not to be outdone, curly hair comes up to stage to chat and interrupt my successful sale. 

Asian Girl: Can you play Bruno Mars ‘Billionaire?’

Me: I don’t know it well enough to play the whole thing- can I help with another song?

Curly Sue: Bruno Mars?  He’s a COKE HEAD.  He really likes COCOAINE.

[Awkward silence.]

Me: [Trying to break the tension] Yeah, him and every other entertainer.

Curly Sue: That must be why you’re so good, huh?

Me: Ugh- not me.

Asian Girl: How about some Jack Johnson?

Me: Of course- I’ll definitely play that.

Curly Sue: Is that your wife over there [motioning toward the table where my wife, my mom, and various others were sitting.]

Me: Yes.

Curly Sue: I bet she’s really hot. [She peers over to get a closer look.]

Me: Yes, she’s very hot.  That’s why I married her. 

Curly Sue: What is her name?

Me: [I tell her my wife’s name- MISTAKE!]

Curly Sue then walked over to my wife and my mom and then had a ridiculously awkward conversation.  Yikes. 

So my question is thus.  Why is it that my level of popularity leads to extreme situations while playing shows.  Either people don’t give a fuck about me and completely ignore me, or they come up and have to love me more than their love of alcohol- which is clearly a deep and enduring love.  There is no middle ground.

---

That debacle aside, the show went great and I had a fantastic time at Dick Tracy’s house on Sunday.  He graciously allowed us to set off small fireworks in his backyard, which Mrs. P. was more than willing to light.  I still wish we could’ve put the fireworks on the golf course behind their house, but I can see where that could lead to some serious trouble.  We’ll have to settle with occasionally peeing in sandtraps.  They don’t call them hazards for no reason!

Alternate sand trap.

Last, I watched “No Strings Attached” last night with Mrs. P.  Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman star in this chick flick disguised as a film about “fuck buddies.”  SPOILER ALERT: There are strings attached!  Literally, the whole movie is Ashton Kutcher trying to get Padme to settle down.  And guess what?  In the end, they form a committed relationship!  BOOM!  I just saved you and your significant other 2 hours.  You’re welcome. 

Hope you had a fun, safe, and alien free Independence Day.  Until tomorrow…

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon Review

[Warning: This review will have mild spoilers.  I'll do my best to keep them at a minimum, but read at your own risk!!!]

Fist wag.

It's pretty obvious that I'm a Transformers fan based on my profile icon for this blog.  I was a huge fan when I was a kid and as an adult I find a large amount of nostalgia when watching current iterations of the Transformers.  That is to say, I'm very biased toward liking these movies.

That said, after finishing up what I assume is the last third of the live action Transformers movie trilogy (Michael Bay and Shia LaBOOF both say they are not coming back for another flick) I'm left with a similar feeling as huge Star Wars fans felt after the prequel trilogy concluded.  It is a very easy comparison to make.  Watch:

Star Wars I-III - Everything with light sabers is fucking cool.  The acting is hollow for the most part.  The plot could have been better.

Transformers 1-3 - Everything with massive robots beating the shit out of each other is fucking cool.  The acting is hollow for the most part (exceptions are complimented below.)  The plot could have been better.

As a middle of the road geek, I'm also a Star Wars fan (who isn't?) that was relatively disappointed with the prequels (more plot-wise than anything else.)  That said, I enjoyed watching them for the sheer spectacle that was provided on screen.  The Transformers movies fall right in line with that same comparison.

"Dark Of The Moon" improves on "Revenge Of The Fallen" by having a more direct plot.  "ROTF" was all over the fucking place to cater to Michael Bay's desire to have robots fighting at the pyramids in Egypt.  "DOTM" kept things States-side for the most part and the film benefited from that.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was a strong replacement for Megan Fox and provided eye candy for nerds the world over.  She is a bit too hot for Shia LaBOOF's Sam, which was distracting. Sam getting Megan Fox in the previous movies was a bit more believable because a) it's easy to trick high school girls into settling and b) they experienced life-threatening events together strengthening their bond.  With Rosie's Carly, Sam puts some cheesy moves on her and then she agrees to be his girlfriend AND pay his rent.  Seems unlikely at best. Then again, robots from outer space battling on Earth isn't the most likely thing either. 

Most of the previous cast returns.  Josh Duhamel does a great job as usual and Tyrese is always welcome in action movies.  I was disappointed with Terry Tate: Office Linebacker as he had an appearance as a soldier but came off as kind of a puss.  Also, he looks a lot like half-of-Cee-Lo which was distracting.  He should be spearing robots and ripping their heads off with his bare-hands, not cowering in fear during multiple moments!

The robots were mostly awesome.  Optimus Prime was more of the badass that he deserves to be.  Bumblebee played his usual role as Sam's best robot buddy, but I found myself more invested in this relationship as Sam and Bumblebee aren't always together as they are in the first two movies.  There was an Italian Autobot named Vino that played a minor role.  I'm pissed he didn't, at some point, say, "We've got a situation here."  That would've been hilarious.

They wisely left the racist "twins" from the last movie out.  Childish humor remained with Wheelie and his sidekick that looked like a miniature Grateful Dead fan.  I get, there has to be kiddy humor in these movies (they are trying to sell toys after all) and this brand of lame jokes were much less excessive than "ROTF," which was good.

"I eat beef, wif my gold teef.
I kiss bitches wif my fist!"

Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy) was solid.  Nimoy voiced Galvatron, the main Decepticon antagonist, in the 1986 animated movie, so it was awesome to have him back voicing another Transformer.  Maybe Judd Nelson can help out in the next set of Transformers movies?  I'd be in favor of that move for sure.

The Decepticons were threatening as ever.  Megatron was badly deformed from the final battle of "ROTF" while Starscream continued to gravel at his "master's" side.  Soundwave was back and accompanied by Laserbeak, who really shines in this movie (there is a CREEPY home invasion scene that works quite well.)

And that brings us to Shockwave.  They didn't make him evil and calculating like the 1980s comics or smart and loyal like the 80s cartoons, BUT they did make him extremely evil and dangerous.  He faithfully retains his cyclops look and totes a corkscrew pet that wreaks excessive amounts of damage throughout the movie (you've seen this thing destroying a skyscraper in the movie's commercials.)  Shockwave is intimidating and a sight to see in 3D.

"I will fuck you up."

Which brings us to the 3D aspect of the whole thing.  "DOTM" holds up as the second most impressive 3D experience I've seen at the movies (first is "Avatar.")  I find the 3D medium gimmicky as a whole, but if you're going to see TF3, then pony up the extra few bucks.  It's worth it to add depth to the robots and watching the soldiers "wingsuit" out of a plane and through the city below is worth the price of admission.  What this movie lacks in plot is made up for in wicked special effects.

In the end, I enjoyed the movie.  It was a bit too long and oddly paced at times, but the special effects are some of the most impressive ever seen on screen.  It's almost jarring.  I found myself concerned for the real actors during some of the stunts ("How the fuck did they not kill themselves while filming this?!?")  I would say this is the second best Transformers movie overall (the first movie owned the most cohesive plot) but this third entry blows the others away in special effects and just being able to tell what is going on while the robots are fighting each other.

If you liked either of the first two movies, you'll enjoy this one.  If you enjoy watching special effects and stunts, then you'll enjoy this movie as well.  If you hate Michael Bay and Shia LaBOOF, then there probably isn't hope for you to like this movie at all.  Unlike the actual Transformers, this movie is not pretending to be something it's not.  It's a grand action flick that is a sight to be seen.